My toxic ex has returned, advice needed

Hi @AnnoyedSheDevil

I’m really glad you reached out and shared what’s been happening. It sounds like you’ve been under a lot of stress with your dad’s health and everything going on at home. You’ve shown a lot of strength and self-awareness in taking precautions and thinking ahead about your safety, that takes real courage, especially in such a complex situation.

It’s completely understandable that your anxiety is heightened right now. Having your ex move back in, especially given his past behaviour, would feel unsettling for anyone. You’re doing the right thing by setting clear boundaries through a written agreement and by making sure your family and a mutual friend are aware.

Some extra support or information as you navigate this, you might find these helpful:

• 1800RESPECT (24/7 on 1800 737 732 - https://1800respect.org.au/ (they can help support you with safety planning )
• National or Local DV helpline (they can help support you with safety planning)
• Mental Health Foundation Australia free online support groups https://supportgroup.mhfa.org.au/coercive-control-support-group
• Blue Knot Foundation - https://blueknot.org.au/
• Counselling support - https://www.psychologytoday.com/au (Free directory to find local counsellors, you can filter to specific issues you’re experiencing)

You don’t have to face all this alone, even reaching out here is a really empowering step. Be gentle with yourself and know that it’s okay to prioritise your safety and peace of mind above everything else.

Take care,

Nala2022

Hi @AnnoyedSheDevil ,

Wow, it sounds like you are very forgiving of his past actions to allow him to move back in temporarily. I hope the shared rent from their contribution helps you and that this is a win-win situation for you both.

I really like that you are aware that they will need to behave/live within acceptable boundaries and that you are proactive to set these upfront before things have a chance to occur and cause problems. 🥰 very wise i think.

Hey @AnnoyedSheDevil

I am so deeply sorry you are navigating all of this at once. Dealing with your father's health and family tension is exhausting enough without the added stress of an ex-partner - especially one with a history of manipulative behaviour - moving back into your personal sanctuary.

It is completely understandable that your anxiety is high. You are showing incredible strength by prioritising your safety and setting firm boundaries from day one. Please remember that your well-being and peace of mind are the priority here. We are all rooting for your father's recovery and for your continued safety.

I can see from your post that you have asked for advice on writing an agreement, and I'm more than happy to offer it. When writing up an agreement with someone who has a history of being controlling or manipulative, clarity is your best defence. Keep the language professional and objective to leave no room for misinterpretation.

• Financial Specifics: state the exact amount of rent, due date, and the method of payment (e.g. bank transfer only to keep a paper trail).
• Defined Boundaries: specify "common areas" vs "private areas". Explicitly state that your bedroom is off limits at all times.
• Guest Policy: define if/when guests are allowed. Given the history, you may want to stipulate "no overnight guests" to prevent further complications.
• Communication Style: If he has been verbally abusive, request that all non-emergency household communication (e.g., bills, repairs) be handled via text or email. This creates a record of interactions.
• Exit Strategy: include a "Notice to Vacate" clause. Check your state tenancy laws to see how much notice you are legally required to give him if the arrangement becomes untenable.

I can see that @Nala2022 has included some really useful resources and words of support, which is great to see, and I hope those resources are helpful for you in your situation.

Take care of yourself 💚

@MatchaToad @AlwaysMyself @Nala2022

I am relieved to let you all know: he's gone!

He seemed to realise that right now with my dad's health causing me stress already, and something I said a couple of months ago sticking in his brain, that him moving here would be unfair for me.

I honestly don't know why he thought it would be a good idea in the first place, but his thought process has always been an enigma. He would frequently do rash things and then wonder why I reacted badly; no matter how many times I explained Anxiety and Depression, the impact of my upbringing on my current behaviour and psyche or that x dumb decision = y reaction, he just never understood.

He never put much effort into remembering even important things and expected me to be his personal secretary, yet would get angry if I forgot something. Hell, he brought eggs to give me... I can't eat eggs and he SHOULD remember because he can't eat them either 🤦‍♀️

I don't know if his behaviour was knowingly toxic or if he was just that oblivious, but it doesn't matter. If he needs a place to stay, it's going to have to be elsewhere because I am sick of his nonsense.

Thank you all for your responses, I'm going to leave this thread up because it could be helpful for someone in the future ❤️

That is great news @AnnoyedSheDevil 😊 I'm glad you let us know. That must be a relief not having to have any stress of having him around, and him realising himself also that this really is not a good idea for either of you.