Hey @Nightstand
I hear you, and I want to start by saying that it takes incredible courage to voice these feelings. You have been carrying a weight that no one should have to bear alone, and the exhaustion you feel is a completely valid response to the trauma and isolation you've experienced.
It is heartbreaking to feel like your identity - something that should be a source of pride and self-expression - has been used as a doorway for others to mistreat you. Please know that what you have been through is not a reflection of your worth, but a reflection of the harm others chose to inflict.
When you have spent years being "used" or silenced, it is natural to feel trapped within yourself. That feeling of being "unheard" is often the most painful part of trauma because it makes you feel invisible in your own life. Survivors of multiple abusive relationships (including myself) often feel "hollowed out", or like they've lost their sense of self. It takes time to reclaim that space, and it's okay if you don't know who "you" are right now. I myself grew up queer, and that experience and feeling like your body or identity is a commodity for others is a specific, deep kind of pain. While I have not gone through exactly what you have, I recognise your experience and that pain. You deserve to be seen for your soul and your humanity, not just what you can provide for others.
It sounds like you're navigating a very lonely social landscape. When we are healing from trauma, we often become hypersensitive to rejection because we've already been hurt so much. In healthy relationships, there is room for "rupture and repair." If you feel like people are discarding you over small things, it may be that you haven't yet found "your people" - those who lead with the same grace and empathy that you are looking for. True belonging only happens when we can be our authentic selves. While it feels impossible right now, there are communities (especially LGBTQIA+/Queer Communities/Spaces) that prioritise restorative justice and deep, forgiving friendships.
Because you are dealing with the intersection of abuse and identity, I want to make sure you have access to people who are trained to help you navigate these specific feelings. You don't have to navigate this "trapped" feeling on your own. The following a free services in Australia where you don't have to explain your identity or queerness before you get help for the trauma, I hope they help you as they have helped me in my own journey:
You mentioned that you don't know if you'll ever be comfortable in yourself again. Recovery isn't about going back to who you were before the harm - it's about building a new, safer home within yourself, one brick at a time 💚
