Hey @RA17
It is completely understandable that you are feeling this way. Losing a friendship of 10 years is a form of grief, and when that loss is paired with a betrayal of trust involving someone you were romantically interested in, the emotional weight is incredibly heavy. You are currently navigating a "double betrayal", which naturally triggers the questioning of your own self-worth. So, I just wanted to take a moment to share some advice on how to process these feelings and approach the situation.
Reframing the "I am the problem" Narrative: when people avoid us or "go dark" (like him leaving social media), our instinct is to internalise it as our fault. But maybe we should look at the patterns popping up in this situation.
- His Avoidance: if he was leading you on while pursuing your friend, his exit from social media is likely shame or conflict avoidance, not a reflection of your value. He likely knows he has handled things poorly and doesn't want to face the "mirror" of your presence.
- Her Choice: A 10-year friend knows your heart. Her decision to pursue this guy wasn't because you weren't "worth it" - it was a reflection of her own lack of integrity and priority of the friendship.
Managing the Shared Friend Group: You mentioned wanting to avoid an "implosion". This is a very mature goal, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your internal peace.
- Maintain the Group: continue attending group events, but give yourself permission to be "polite but distant". You don't owe them deep vulnerability right now.
- Avoid Drama: You don't need to "announce" your hurt to the whole group. If someone asks, a simple "I'm taking some space to process things right now" is a mature, respectful, and firm response, and it doesn't need to be elaborated on further in the moment.
- Protect Your Peace: If seeing them together is too much, it is okay to skip an event. Real friends in the group will understand you need time to heal.
Communicating With Him: since you are open to rekindling a friendship with him but find it hard to communicate, consider taking a low-pressure approach once the initial sting has subsided for you. If you feel you can't be civil yet, simply wait. There is no deadline for this conversation. When you are ready, you could send a short, direct message such as:
"Hey [name], I've been taking some space because the way things unfolded between us and [friend's name] was hurtful and confusing for me. I value our friendship group and would like to get back to a place of being cool with each other, but I needed to be honest about why I have been distant. I'm not looking for a big talk right now, just wanted to clear the air so things aren't awkward when we see the group."
Processing the 10-Year Friendship: You are allowed to be "done". 10 years is a long time, but time spent does not excuse a fundamental lack of respect. I want you to know that you do not owe her a closing conversation if it will only hurt you more. I know you mentioned that new information "reopens the wound." This is a sign to stop seeking information. Ask your other friends not to give you updates on her or what they are doing. What you don't know can't hurt you right now.
Moving Forward: Healing is not linear. You will have days where you feel "over it" and days where the anger returns. This doesn't mean you aren't progressing; it means you are human. Your self-worth isn't a fixed value. It is not a sliding scale based on how a guy treats you or how a friend fails you. Their inability to be loyal says a lot about their character, not about your worth or importance.
