Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Codependency

TatsindaSenior Contributor13 Feb 2015, 9:44 pm AEDT

Codependency

I'm sure this is a topic that must have come up before, but just thought I'd post about it as it has been of great help to me in my role as carer. Basically I realised a couple of months ago that I was quite codependent in relation to my husbands mental health issues. Codependency as I understand it is a situation where a partner or carer becomes overly involved and invested in the other persons issues, to the detriment of their own self care and happiness. It involves scenarios such as trying to control the other person to prevent having to experience the effects of their issues (for example, with an alcoholic, forbidding them to drink at home so you don't have to see them drunk).
I read a book called "codependent no more" which was very helpful in showing me how to take a step back from the exhausting process of trying to manage another persons illness. I also read part of a book about boundaries in marriage which was useful too.
Anyway I thought of this forum as I was reading the books as I'm sure these issues often crop up when you are caring for someone with a chronic issue such as depression. It has made a big difference to how I cope and I feel a lot better for it. And I think it has been good for my husband, it is a healthier way of relating when I take the step back and let him manage his own issues - with my support, but not over-involvement. And I feel more comfortable standing up for my own needs.
Hopefully this might help someone struggling with relationship issues. I'm happy to chat about it more.

16 replies

11 - 16 of 16

1 2

In response to: Codependency

ReaderContributor20 Jan 2016, 10:14 am AEDT

Re: Codependency

Hi Lucky,

I'm really glad it's working out for you and thanks for the input. It makes sense to me.

Unfortunately, if I even mention the word help, therapy etc, she goes nuts - instantly. Then gives me the whole thing about you have to accept me as I am. Sadly I don't think our relationship can come back even though the rest of it was so good. If she would just even consider that she has an illness that negatively affects those around her, I would be by her side through anything. I just can't see how to get to that point though.

In response to: Re: Codependency

Lucky2015Senior Contributor23 Jan 2016, 12:39 pm AEDT

Re: Codependency

Yeah, I get everyones situation is different too.
Just to give it some perspective for you, "I told my wife" = sitting in a Marriage counsellors room (because at the time she thought all we were going through was marriage difficulties, not a BPD episode). And me screaming that I had, had enough. And I am not a screaming sort of guy 🙂

Sometimes you can get the outcome you want through other means. When my wife wanted us to go to marriage counselling, I insisted that the therapist also be a psychologist (because she had bee treat for depression before).
When we were there the therapist worked out that I was stressed off the richter scale, and that something else was going on with my wife. The focus soon shifted to ensuring that my wife got one on one help, and that lead to her diagnosis from a psychiatrist later on that she had BPD.

Sometimes "telling" in the standard sense doesn't work.
Don't know if this helps at all but just didn't want to give you the impression that all change is easy, smooth or even non-confrontational.

Even if you need to get help and support for yourself for a while (to vent out some of this) and it might give you time to persist with getting the problem confronted.

In response to: Re: Codependency

ReaderContributor23 Jan 2016, 12:54 pm AEDT

Re: Codependency

Thanks Lucky,

I have no contact with her now so I am trying to come to terms with that. I really struggle with the common advice of get out and don't go back because I care about her and her daughter and feel like I am desserting her, leaving her to suffer.

She told me she is depressed, sad, has terriblke anxiety and knows that she has little sense of self, gets lost in others, can't sustain a relationship, has emotional swings etc, but just thinks that's how she is and that's that. It feel like she is close to realising that she needs help but still so far away. The best I could do now is send an email but don't think that's right either.

I'm finding it extremely hard to move on 4 months later. I know all of the logic says move on but I just don't fee like it and want to either move on or be able to go back. Neither seems possible right now and i't gettin me down.

In response to: Codependency

AppleblossomSenior Contributor01 Feb 2016, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: Codependency

@Reader

To me it sounds like you do honestly care. That is good for me to hear as I had been upset about men who quickly reattach without working through the issues.

I am not sure where the "accept me as I am" .. thing comes from ... it seems childish and not at all adult. I know a few women who pull that kind of stunt .. it makes me sad for our gender. Maybe just my biases.

In response to: Re: Codependency

Lucky2015Senior Contributor02 Feb 2016, 11:33 am AEDT

Re: Codependency

OK. Get it. And it might just take some time for you rather than just dropping everything and walking on.
You are doing the right stuff though, keep reaching out and talking to people about what is happening to you. Being on this forum is a good example of that.

The stuff that you mention above tells me you are a good guy. And whatever way this stuff works out, remember that.

In response to: Re: Codependency

ReaderContributor02 Feb 2016, 1:04 pm AEDT

Re: Codependency

I read this on another forum and it makes sense to me;

By the way you will never get closure from him, NEVER. it'll either end on (false) hatred or ambiguity, he (like my ex) is incapable of giving closure because deep down that's not what they want and deep down they don't really want to push you away, you just become too triggering and too dangerous to them and they can't handle it. Closeness and love = terrifying danger to these people and it brings out the worst in them.

11 - 16 of 16

1 2