Codependency

i so agree with every thing your saying, my health was going down the gurgler and had to stop myself being the fixer and learn to say no,,hardest thing ever . i think i was so use to fixing all the little hurts as she grew up when the big hurts come i just went on auto pilot and tried to fix everything.. im in the background a lot more now which is healthier for us both

Thank you so much for your post @Tatsinda

My relationship with my sibling has been absolutely codependent. Being the older sibling I have always felt responsible and when my sibling was diagnosed with BPD and other things I thought I could jump in and fix everything. How incredibly wrong I was.

I'm pretty sure it also enabled my sibling to keep displaying the bad behaviour that goes hand in hand with the MI.

Thank you for mentioning the name of that book. I'm going to get myself a copy asap. I don't want to keep carrying the weight of both of our lives on my shoulders.

@Tatsinda I read your post with interest. The book "Codependent No More" is one I read from cover to cover many years ago. It's also a book I probably should read again. However, I am very interested in the title of the book you spoke about regarding setting boundaries in marriage.

Although I now receive counselling that helps me cope with my husband's MI issues, setting boundaries is a concept I struggle with.

Thanks @Tatsinda for suggesting Boundaries. I bought the original Boundaries many years ago but it's on vhs. Unfortunately I don't have a player anymore so can't watch it. You have reminded me of this fantastic series. I'll have to get hold of it again on dvd.

Really well worth watching and makes so much sense.

They also have a great book called "What to do when you don't know what to do" - Discouragement and Depression".

Hi @Tatsinda,

I have in the past considered myself to definitely be codependent. For me it was a matter of wanting my family members to feel some happiness, enjoy a sunset maybe, the same as I could. I know that if I am starting to feel miserable I can make some changes in my life which will make me feel better. It is very discouraging having to live with the idea that you cannot do anything to help someone to feel better.

Since I have been trying to change and focus more on my own feelings I have been concerned at times that I might in fact let go too much. I think that there are times when someone is mentally ill that a "codependent" caretaker may be what is needed. It is just a matter of knowing when the time has come when your help is no longer required.

Also I do not think that mental illness is the same as addiction although the one can at times lead to the other. So not sure that ideas of codependency apply the same. Although I have read many books including from the authors mentioned here and would not discourage anyone else from doing the same.

Thanks.

thanks for the info regarding the books,, i have had a quick check on ebay and they are there ::) yeah i feel at the moment i do need to start focusing on setting some boundaries...just last night my husband who has had insomnia for the past few nights was asking me to help him pull out the fridge to clean around it at 11pm?>?!! um...i dont think so....my first thoughts was "yeah i have to take the kids to school tomorow and you dont...and of course your wide awake you dont sleep till 4 am~". But i surprised myself...i confidently and politely said "no i cant help you do that right now, I am going to sleep". he seemed ok with it, and i think he sensed my confidence he wasnt going to try to persuade me bec the argument just wasnt fair.....

I'm not entirely happy with the simple codependent description. As was mentioned, it may be necessary at some time. If the person was hospitalised with a physical illness, being there for them and taking up all the extra work would be lauded. Perhaps with mental illness you just have to be aware that you are dedicating yourself to someone's care and not lose sight of reality. Are parents of disabled kids codependent because they care for them all day every day?

Hi @Tatsinda

I agree with you. Its easy to get emotionally overinvolved, and can be a bit of a highwire act between enough support and too much overinvolvement.

I personally found one of the biggest liberations for me was when I told my wife that she was responsible for the management of her own mental health (as she had been avoiding seeking ongoing help even though she had already been diagnosed). That didn't mean that I abdicated everything, but for me it was a turning point that allowed me to determine where I should stand on things, rather than be caught up in whatever her current emotional state was.

It has worked out for the best. She is now getting the help and support that she needs. And I feel relieved from the burden of worrying about it.

I also have a bit of a history in trying to be the "Knight in Shining Armour". Good to be out of the armour for a change