Sexually depraved fantasies years after traumatic sexual event

Hello @Kerp14, and a warm welcome to the forums! Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with the community, as I hear how heavily it has been weighing upon you. The act of writing this down can be so valuable in easing some of that weight 🌿.

Having these fantasies can come with a lot of guilt and shame, and make it so hard to talk about. But they don't mean that you're a bad person or that there is something wrong with you. You deserve to be listened to and supported without judgement, so you can move towards what a more healthier and comfortable sex life looks like for you. I'm very glad that you have found this forum and that you've felt able to post, and I do hope that you will feel the support of the community during this time.

Alongside that peer support, having a one-on-one space where you can talk further is really important. You might already have that space irl! If not, or if you'd like some additional support, you might want to consider reaching out to the BlueKnot Foundation. They offer support for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse, 7 days a week 🍁.

Hello @Kerp14 and welcome to the forums. Firstly I'm really proud of you for taking the brave step to reach out for support and share your experience, that's not easy to do. I can hear how much this is weighing on you and I can relate to your experiences around the sexual fantasies after traumatic events. What i do want you to know though is that these experiences and the way it has made you feel does not define who you are and you are also not alone in feeling this way.

I think a really good first step would be to confide in someone you trust, do you have a gp or a counsellor/therapist that you can speak to? I know this is an incredibly sensitive subject to talk about so know that there's no pressure or rush to do things, it's ok to take things slowly and one little step at a time.

Know that we are here for you, sending you hugs ❤️.

Hi @Kerp14

Firstly, I will say that you are so courageous for posting this. Thank you.

Secondly, you are not alone.

I was assaulted from about the same age when younger.

There are others out there that have had the same sort of fantasies before, including me. It is more common than you think.

I have had success with the Blue Knot Foundation. They understood, didn't judge and listened to what I needed to say. It was really hard to make that initial phone call. Lots of times I would ring then hang up before someone would answer. Finally I was able to talk to someone.

I would urge you to try them. It might just be what you are looking for.

Hi @Kerp14

Thank you for the courage that you have to share your experience.

I had similar background in my childhood. It was a debilitating experience that affected me through the decades that followed. It seemed that all of my thoughts and consequential decisions were seen through a lense that was distorted by that childhood. It was a difficult time trying to make sense of myself and understand what was taken and what was left remaining. Much of my energy was misdirected in trying to put those experiences aside and imitate what I had hoped would lead me to a life that was unaffected. But try as I did, it always fell apart under stress leaving me more depressed and defeated. So a big chunk of my life was a vacillation between optimistic denial and a pessimistic defeat.

I know that I am in a much better place now and can related to my past and the decisions that I chose to get here. But it wasn't easy, and I am indebited to people that kindly helped.

I wish that I had chosen people that could relate to me when I was deperately struggling. But I did try therapy unsuccessfully and I tentatively tried to share a little of my past to those that seem to be close. But since I had a hidden much of myself from them, it was never a comfortable experience and I would just leave and attempt the process again and again.

From my experience, nothing compared to finding people that had lived experience and could relate through their own past. Age also helped in my case. When I had enough history and could see the parallels in other people's story that closely correlated, it put me at ease and helped build a personal narrative that I could "live with". It was a relief to start to comfortably express myself without shame or recrimination. A fortunate effect of this process was the more I inhabited a persona that was closer to my experience, the more interest I developed in thoughts and activities that had nothing to do with my childhood, so consequently, the broader my social groups would grow.

I have a long way to go. In personal relationships I really struggle. But at least now I can be me.

I hope you continue your fight and find your kind. And above all, I hope you find peace.

J.