Coping With Breakup and Betrayal

That's not an easy thing to go through and I'm sorry you have to go through that.

Hopefully in time you will heal and be able to look back on the relationship and remember the good things.

Be gentle with your recovery and remember you will cope with the grief differently at times.

Best wishes, I hope you feel better soon.

Hey @Dines, thank you for sharing your experiences with the communtiy!

Sounds like you are going through a lot right now and breakups can be really challenging. I have had a few myself so can relate to what you must be going through.

You may have reach out to some services alreay but I thought I would just pop the link to Relationships Australia and 1800 RESPECT here as they may be able to offer you someone to chat to if you would like that.

I encourage you to continue to reach out to your peers as they may have some insights to share with similar experiences.

Take care

RiverSeal

Hi @Dines

I am so deeply sorry to hear about what you are going through. Thank you for being so open and reaching out. Experiencing a betrayal after 10 years is an immense weight to carry, and it is completely understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed right now.

Please know that you don't have to navigate this alone. Seeking out a community is a powerful first step toward healing, and I am so proud of you for taking that first step by coming on here. We are honoured to have you join us all here. In this space, your feelings are valid, and there is no 'right' timeline for how you should be feeling or recovering.

I can see in your post that you asked about learning how to cope, and while I haven't been in a 10-year relationship, I do know what it is like to be cheated on. That said, I wanted to share some tips and advice that might be useful to you. It's okay if they don't work or you don't like the sound of them; we're all different, and we all need different coping strategies.

Something I recommend practicing is Radical Acceptance. Betrayal, such as being cheated on, leaves our brain searching for the "why" or trying to make sense of the other person's actions. It takes time and practice with Radical Acceptance, but it can be achieved. Acceptance doesn't mean liking what happened; it means acknowledging the reality of the situation so you can stop exhausting yourself trying to rewrite it.

Prioritising physical "grounding" can also be useful. Trauma lives in our bodies, and high levels of cortisol and adrenaline can make things such as sleeping and eating really hard to do. I want you to try to focus on the very basics or also known as the 'Rule of Threes': try to eat three meals, drink three litres of water, and get some movement (even walking around the house/backyard for 10 minutes). These things help stabilise our nervous system, which is very much needed during such a distressing time in your life.

Establishing firm boundaries is important during this time. And after 10 years, I can imagine that contact habits would be hard to break. If you feel comfortable, you could implement a "no contact" or "limited contact" rule. I will say, from my own experience, that this is a difficult thing to do. But every interaction I was having with my ex during my initial healing phase acted as a "re-traumatisation", which reset my emotional clock.

I think perhaps one of the most important things is reclaiming your identity. After such a long time being in a relationship with someone, a person's identity is often intertwined with their partner. My advice for this is to start off small, rediscover your individual interests. What did you enjoy 11 years ago? What is something you have always wanted to try but haven't yet? What hobby or interest belonged solely to you, not the relationship?

I want you to know that healing is non-linear. Some days it will feel like you have taken a massive leap forward, and other days you'll feel like you've undone the progress you made. Both are natural parts of the healing process.

Take care of yourself 💚

so sorry about this, i hope things get better