Hi @Chris ,
I've struggled for weeks to write a response to this post of yours, because I think it's The Question that is worth asking. And because I genuinely value your honesty and openness.
But I've finally acknowledged in myself that I haven't a flippin' clue what to say. I'm struggling with the realisation that I'm a complete failure at life in general, let alone coming near creating a life worth living. Everything I tried to write to you seemed false, pointless, the kind of empty "advice" that itself drove me away from participating in these forums. But maybe it's enough to say, yeah, I want to know too.
I remember hearing a story, probably apocryphal, about Buckminster Fuller, who was a trained engineer who realised in a moment of despair that he had no aspect to his life that made it worth living. So one day he went to a lake, filled his pockets with stones, and walked out to the end of a long mooring jetty with the itnention of drowning himself. And as he stood there gazing at the waters and imagined them closing over his head, it occurred to him that if he had nothing in his life worth winning, then he also had nothing to lose in giving it another go. So he stood there, slowly taking the stones from his pocket and tossing them, one by one, into the lake, as a kind of substitute for himself. And one particularly round one, as it hit the water, seemed to flash an image in his mind. And when his pockets were empty, he turned around, went home, and sketched the geodesic dome that he became most famous for.
Me, I'm still standing on the jetty with my pockets full of stones. No still, small voice for me.
I hope you find an answer, bud. If you do, I'd be happy to hear what it is for you.