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How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

florencefiftySenior Contributor30 Dec 2025, 10:11 pm AEDT

How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

I am almost six months sober. This is the most sober I have been since before my issues with drinking started, in February 2023.

In a related note, I have never been to jail before. However, from hearing from people who have been in jail, seeing jails myself, I can relate. In jail, there's an awful lot of time spent inside of your cell. An awful lot of thinking about what you've done, and reflecting on recovering from it.

The last time I drank, I was locked in the back of a police car. I wasn't being arrested, I was just being transported to hospital, but even before then, I felt like I was in jail.

I am in a very privileged position in life, but still spend a lot of time thinking about what I've done as a drinking man.

I've gone missing for a long time, in very dramatic fashion. I was found in a library. Now whenever I am in the library, I do go back to that moment.

I've broken down crying randomly in the middle of a burger joint, extremely intoxicated in the early evening/late afternoon of a weekday. I've thought of going back there to have lunch, now that I'm sober. The bookstore gave me a refund because I explained I bought something and was too drunk to remember buying it. I walk past all these places at work, I was drinking in the city.

I've dragged at least a dozen innocent people into it. Not hurt them, but certainly concerned them, and I wonder whether they think about it and replay it like I do.

Notice I have called it embarrassment and not shame. My family coped really well with me going missing, they even joke about it.

However, it feels like I could be twelve years sober and still want to hide from it.

3 replies

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In response to: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

DimitySenior Contributor31 Dec 2025, 12:24 am AEDT

Re: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

@florencefifty I'm glad you call it embarrassment not shame. And it sounds as though your family and the bookshop staff have been very forgiving.

It sounds as though you need to forgive yourself. And perhaps not be so fearful of others who may or may not remember you.

I regret things I've thought, said and done while physically and/or mentally unwell. I've internalised the stigma and it adds to my depression. And whether or not it's directly related, I've lost touch with many friends and family. Retreating and isolating yourself isn't something I'd recommend.

Your family still loves you, you have many opportunities to reconnect, and hopefully a bright future.

By the way, I've wondered how things worked out with your arranged marriage, I think your wife was overseas and you were separated. My apologies if it's a sensitive issue.

In response to: Re: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

florencefiftySenior Contributor31 Dec 2025, 6:45 am AEDT

Re: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

Thank you! Still waiting unfortunately but we're confident it will be ready some time this year, I've been doing OK with that, and my wife is resolved to maximise her time still overseas, because the ability to go back there is going to be way limited of course.

In response to: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

SugarshackSenior Contributor31 Dec 2025, 5:06 pm AEDT

Re: How do you cope with internal embarrassment from your worst times?

In AA they encourage people to ring up others who have been wronged throughout life and to make amends on these shames, to repair relationships. I have never actually done 'the telling of the shame' part of the exercise as my family would not respond well to that, they would use it against me. But in Friendships, I have waited for the right moment then I have said to people, "Hey you know that time I XYZ well I felt ashamed about it for a long time, it was a bad patch in my life and thanks for still being there for me after I sorted it out". Most times people have been very accepting of that and it has helped my own consciense to overcome toxic shame. And the other side of toxic shame, is learning that the right people WILL accept you in all your naked shame and they WILL try to help to stay normal. Unless you're surrounded by a-holes in which case, keep looking for better people.

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