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I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

IvyssoupCasual Contributor30 Dec 2025, 6:46 am AEDT

I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

Hi I need help. I am struggling with complex PTSD resulting from CSA. Met the most amazing man who swooped me off my feet and proposed to me. We are engaged and have been living together for 6 months. He is also a victim of CSA but has no working diagnosis. To say our relationship has been tumultuous would be an understatement. But as he tells me conflict is important. To which I cringe as growing up in a violent family, it is a strong trigger.

I cannot empathise enough how great the love is that I have for my partner. He is truly the most incredible man and my ideal person for many different reasons including his strength of mind. He is extremely intelligent and has a genuine interest in mental illness. But he is also frustratingly stubborn and actually terrible at communicating with me. When we first started dating he was caring and considerate, wanting to apologise if he had upset me. Jump forward 7 months and his behaviour towards me is hostile, with no sign of remorse for the damage his now daily episodes of criticism are having on my mental health. He has his own ideas around my mind, being that I will only be able to integrate my psyche by following his instructions, that he developed post CSA.

Trying to explain to him about my thoughts and feelings are met with hostility. I am told I do not listen, I am avoiding the pain I "need to feel" in order to heal. I have tried following his directions only to have my fears realised in him using these against me during conflict.

My inability to integrate and subsequent episodes of mental distress are routinely brought up in conversation. Directed at me being the reason behind all the issues we have in our relationship. He becomes incredibly angry if I question any of this behaviour, and makes dismissive remarks if I comment on his behaviour.

I am at the lowest point mentally I have ever been. My emotions are uncontrollable and I am jumping from being fearful, inconsolably distressed and completely defeated, to immense feelings of anger where I become defiant, despondent and eventually indifferent. Not one to give up I am trying every day to find something to help us, but my suggestions are critiqued and then dismissed.

I am at a loss. I dont understand how he can ignore how much he is hurting me. He wants me to be intimate with him but how can I feel aroused in this situation?

Now my diminished desire for him has increased his frustration and anger towards me.

Yesterday he exploded via text messaging ending the relationship and telling me to arrange a removalist immediately.

I am completely devastated but also incredibly angry.

What is wrong with us and is there any way we can fix this?

2 replies

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In response to: I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

gretamod_00Moderator30 Dec 2025, 7:29 am AEDT

Re: I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

Hi @Ivyssoup I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you wrote comes through with so much care, effort, and some pain too and none of this sounds small or “just conflict.” Given the history you shared, it makes complete sense that hostility, criticism, and emotional unpredictability would be deeply triggering.

I want to gently reflect something back to you: love and shared trauma do not give someone the right to define your healing, dismiss your feelings, or use your vulnerabilities against you. Being told that you must heal in a specific way, that your distress is the cause of all problems, or that questioning harm is “avoidance” are not signs of a safe or trauma-informed relationship. Conflict can exist in healthy relationships, but fear and emotional punishment are not the same thing as healthy conflict.

It’s also very understandable that intimacy would shut down in this environment. Safety and emotional attunement are foundational for desire, there is nothing “wrong” with you for that response.

Right now, your wellbeing matters more than fixing the relationship. Having the relationship abruptly ended like that is devastating, even if part of you also feels angry or relieved. Both can be true.

If you’re able, I’d strongly encourage you continuing to reach out for support in your own network in possible but there are also some great supports in places like Blue Knot & 1800RESPECT.

You don’t have to navigate this alone, and you don’t have to accept pain as the price of love. Whatever happens next, you deserve safety, respect, and care in your healing.

I’m really glad you reached out here!

In response to: I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

SugarshackSenior Contributor30 Dec 2025, 9:52 am AEDT

Re: I don't understand why I am the one who is constantly criticised.

Hi @Ivyssoup have a good read of what the other person wrote about "shared trauma does not give a person the right to define your thoughts and feelings"..

What it sounds like is that the partner was treading very carefully for the first section of the relationship, the part where walls are down and emotions are high and you're both in the honeymoon period. You two have shared your woes and traumas and are working on a relationship.

But it sounds like his opinion of "integrating your traumas" and "you need to have conflict in order to grow" is an excuse for constant conflict OR rigidity of his personality where "you have to change in order to stay the perfect girl he fell in love with and that means you have to integrate your conflicts blah blah"...

IN MY OPINION a healthy relationship should look like "we will both change and grow in order to achieve mutual goals" yet where theres one person saying, "you're the problem" they are demonstrating an inability to see their own shortcomings and also an unfairness/judge aspect where you have to change, and they get to judge if you changed enough for you to get loved.

That all seems fairly complicated because genuine relationships should be, genuine without mind games and excessive complexities because life is complex enough and partners/friends/family should help out the external battles not rile up the internal battles.

Only you can be in charge of your future but I reckon have a good hard think about how life was 6-9 months ago and ask yourself do you really need to change to win approval, or should you escape this situation and make a healthy life on your own terms. I wish you well I believe that 1800 Respect will be very helpful in the ongoing resolution of the situation.

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