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Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

adamzahlCasual Contributor26 Dec 2025, 3:04 pm AEDT

Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

Hello everyone. Hope you all had a good Christmas or Holidays so far if you don’t celebrate.

I am in a tricky situation. I am 18 and live with my mother. She is not the smartest with money, and often asks my grandma and me for financial help.

she has a BPD diagnosis.

i am a full-time university student with a casual job and youth allowance. I do not get much money, but if I refuse she gets cold and I feel pressured to help so I do.

She does not pay me back often and often yells at me about money or vents about my grandma being hesitant to provide financial help. Sometimes when she yells at me, I yell back and she threatens to fight me or kick me out.

I feel as though I am a bank and a therapist at the same time rather than a son.

I want to help her but I am starting to feel emotionally drained and I am struggling to save money.

What can I do?

4 replies

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In response to: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor26 Dec 2025, 8:24 pm AEDT

Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

Giving more money is probably not the answer to her problems. @adamzahl Your job isn't to be her financial support. Leveraging regarding your grandmother and messing with the broader dynamic isn't great for her to do to you. Finding ways to find the boundaries of each of you is not easy an is often a gradual process. We all want to please and help our family. Finding ways to separate without completely cutting off... There is stuff online about rigid and porous boundaries. respect who you are, and fin your path. Good luck

Yelling can be contagious. One does, then the other does it. Often the quality of interaction goes out th window. Gently try and disentangle yourself. Stick to your goals for your life.

Good on you for studying. What kind of course?

In response to: Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

adamzahlCasual Contributor26 Dec 2025, 8:29 pm AEDT

Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

I’m studying social work. You are right about not giving her money but it’s hard to say no when I live with her and I have to deal with the consequences of saying no

In response to: Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Dec 2025, 9:55 am AEDT

Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

Good on you. re social work.

It still can be hard to know the best approach in your own particular situation. i had parents with serious MH conditions and needed to do a lot of financial support. Be Kind to yourself. Take it day by day. Know deep within that its not your job to give more to her. Try not to get into too much verbal stuff about it.

@adamzahl

Creative visualisations or positive phrases may help orient your thinking.

Family systems can be helpful.

take care

In response to: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

TranquilOneContributor27 Dec 2025, 9:31 pm AEDT

Re: Seeking alternative ways to help my mother

@adamzahl are you able to go to her doctor and let them know what's happening? They may be able to provide some helpful information and possibly look at a medication adjustment?

I'd open a separate bank account and transfer savings money in it so that you can show her that and say you've got no money to spare in your normal account... or something similar. She'll continually hound you and your grandmother as you both give in and give her what she wants. It's a really tough situation for you all to be in.

Are you in a position where you could find accommodation elsewhere? If she thinks that you might do this it may get her to stop as she won't want you to move?

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