Relatives that bully you

Are you able to find some space away from them for a little bit? @FearofUnknown. I know you said it causes panic attacks though. I don’t know a different room or something? A walk maybe? The excuse that you need to walk off some of the food? I don’t know.

For me I’m lucky, my parents will leave after lunch and then not come back until dinner. That’s my space from them. My brother doesn’t come home so I won’t see or hear from him which is a good thing when they are all together they bully and belittle me constantly.

I feel this and it’s so tough. For years I’ve loved the lead-up to Christmas but hated Christmas Day because of the people I have to spend it with. Family obligation that leads to retraumatising is just something else. And getting caught in the comparison trap of everyone who has a cohesive family, good dynamics, no judgment and they just sit, eat and have a good time. My only advice is to do whatever you need to do to get through tomorrow. If you “happen” to come down with a mysterious stomach bug keeping you bed bound and you can’t go, that’s fine because your mental health comes first. But if that sense of obligation is pulling, it’s a matter of hours and it’s a hard thing but I just try and imagine each triggering word spoken as a drop of water rolling off a ducks back.

Gday @FearofUnknown this sounds a lot like my family culture and the only way I could survive them was to build up my life away from them. So that I had "enough" that my ego is somewhat and relatively satisfied with the life I have created. It burns when the criticism is familiar, the unhappy attitudes, the subtle competitions and superiorities replayed year after year. When my memory puts on rose coloured glasses about the past I am sure to realistically review my "list of grudges" and circumstances that influenced various life choices. When I replay the memories of cause/effect action/reaction circumstance/change I feel more comfort in life in that, if I had played my cards the way they wanted me to I would not have a better life, I would have a much worse life BECAUSE they seek to play a game of throwing their family members under the bus. They compete against each other. They don't support or trust or help each other beyond the superficial.

All of that makes me very sad with the what ifs and the couldabeens. But, I tell myself as learned from psychology "I'm not grieving my actual family, I'm grieving the family I wish I had". We had some good times when we were little kids. I honour my Mum for the efforts she used to make. I skipped out on a few of the toxic family christmases and rescheduled my own christmas to include personal happiness and friendships. Oh yes I mourn and grieve for what could have been but it's reminding oneself of what ACTUALLY IS that changes perspective.

For your circumstances could you:

- Write a list of things you like about yourself;

- Put items or pictures of your life on show;

- Just numb out through the formalities and...

Get home and be so very grateful for all that you have created. It's hard without other people, I dont have partner or kids etc but I tell myself, if I did things would not be better. Its those bullies and one uppers internalised - "YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE AND THEN YOU WILL BE LOVED!!" I tell myself ...this is the actual problem is the bullying internal and external. That self love is to spend Christmas unlearning the hurtful habits and internalising the peace and love of self that extends to friends and family once we have it within us.

As in the family members who pick and bully don't extend love and peace, but you can do that separately to them and thats where we splinter off into chosen family/friends/single life because we want to have nice relationships not continue the curse of nastiness to each other. It hurts because we did change and grow away from that, they do it because they have a competition in their mind where they HAVE to make someone else the loser before they become the loser. It's sad but all you can do is turn away and tolerate their game playing when you have to and love life when you're away from them.

@FearofUnknown , I am so sorry to hear your story 😢

I too had something similar. After 47 toxic family Christmases, I decided not to do Christmas any more. It was the only way I could save myself from the ongoing damage.

I'm now 54 and have not once regretted not going to the family Christmas any more. Instead I volunteer at Christmas and have peace in my heart. I also don't have to spend the next 5 months trying to recover from Christmas.

My relationships with the family have survived and we see each other throughout the year. They were shocked and hurt at first, about me not going there on Christmas Day any more, but it was OK. I had explained to them many times why I found Christmas with them difficult, but they continued with their abuse. So now they have accepted my decision.

I know other abused friends who have decided this as well. They usually go to a community lunch on Christmas Day, or to their friend's houses. I don't feel the need to do this, but it's an option.

Protecting your mental health is very important. I am concerned to hear your words of feeling trapped, and wondering how you will survive Christmas. I just wanted to let you know there were other options.

Do you have a therapist or counsellor?

@Captain24 I hope lunch and dinner goes well with your parents. Merry Christmas!

@Holly__GL I've been trying to imagine a drop of water rolling down a duck's back and it sure makes me laugh! Merry Christmas to you!

@Sugarshack "I'm not grieving my actual family, I'm grieving the family I wish I had". It's ironic that our intense love for our family is what makes us mentally sick everyday. Those people will never understand how much we miss the way our family was before all the competition and bullying had started. Merry Christmas, I really appreciate you speaking about your feelings. You had me sniffling some tears.

@NatureLover I wish I have options to do at Christmas but I can't stand being alone at this time of the year. I've got no friends to spend Christmas with and am too shy to join a community event. Merry Christmas!

Oh, OK, @FearofUnknown . Well, I will be sending wishes that today for Christmas things go better than you expect with your family 🤞

Hi @FearofUnknown

We are thinking of you today and hoping you get through the day okay👐. Please know you can check out these threads if you need more support here:

- Fancy a cuppa , Connect now 2

- Friends, Family and Carers, Fancy a Cuppa and a Chat, Connect now

- Virtual Gift Giving

- Self-care Toolkit

- Merry Grinch-mas

Take Care

TunedIn 🌿

How did it go? Lots of emotional decompressing after a big day for me. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

I survived Christmas without a Panic Attack. I was only subtly bullied and made a "fool" of myself 4 times. I genuinely had a good time playing cards and a card-themed board game for hours with my Younger Sister and cousins.

How did your Christmas go @Holly__GL ? I hope it was a fairly positive experience for you too. Feel free to unpack your feelings here. I am eager to listen.

@FearofUnknown i’m so happy you didn’t have a panic attack but sorry you were bullied 😞 it’s kind of inevitable at events like this that have always been that way. I feel like since I separated from my ex-husband and my son has gotten older so his disability is very much visible (ASD level 3 and a severe neurodevelopmental disorder) that I don’t get bullied as much as my sister who has more of a “cookie cutter” life on the surface. But no one talks to me beyond surface level (some family members actually don’t talk to me at all) because they don’t know what to ask. But they also don’t make accomodations for my son or ask if he needs anything. It’s 8 years now I’ve had to change my son’s nappy on a tiled (but very clean…) bathroom floor.

today we’re staying home and being ourselves and I’m trying not to fall apart with anxiety about my son spending the first overnight visit with his dad in over a year tomorrow night (longgggg story)

but I’m doing everything I can to keep my mental health maintained. A lot of somatic practices at the moment because talking through what a mess my life is, is only useful to an extent.

Thank you for giving me a chance to vent that!