Predicting the future

Hiya @Phoenix_Rising

you know we dont know that for certain that it will get better. I guess for me there are so many stories around of people it did get better for that it offers hope. I think we need hope. If someone said to me it will never get better you are delusional it wouldn't help me to keep fighting. I write it because I believe that others that have gone before me had hope that it will get better which is a big factor in them being able to do it. If not the alternative is to walk off the earth now and give up. You have to have hope, the end of hope is effectively the end of life. Sorry it sounds a bit morbid. I think I've learned this since I've been on the forum. I get it now but didn't always. Someone else believing in me and offering their hope is the most powerful thing for me. This is my perspective anyway. Best wishes. 💜🤗

@Former-Member and @Former-Member Thank you for responding. However, I don't really understand what you are saying. It makes no sense to me to say that when someone says X they really mean Y. If they meant Y, why wouldn't they say Y? I would never tell someone that things WON'T get better. As I said in my original post, the point is, I don't know. I don't know if things will get better for someone or not, so I would never make a categorical statement either way. I certainly agree with you @Former-Member that things will pass and nothing stays the same. Sometimes when I am really struggling, I take great solace in the fact that I can be 100% certain that I will die one day. This life WILL end. That is one thing I CAN be certain about. So yes, I very much like the phrase "this too shall pass."

It just really grates on me when people make categorical statements about things they don't (and can't) know for sure because it is those sorts of statements that have landed me in the pickle that I'm in. Regarding employment, it would have been far more helpful to me if people had helped me look at options given my particular strengths and weaknesses, rather than constantly telling me that my degree would be worth it in the end. Now there don't seem to BE any options. Neither my GP nor my psychologist seem to have any suggestions for me employment-wise...and given that gaining and sustaining employment is my treatment goal, things are looking rather bleak.

I guess the thing I haven't yet mentioned anywhere on the forum is that I am very rapidly moving towards a calm thought-out decision to suicide. Not the chaotic I-can't-do-this-anymore sort of thing in response to overwhelming emotion, but a calm decision based on the reality of my situation. I have no family and I have very little hope of having a career. I know I can keep myself alive by spending my days lying on the floor focusing on my breathing, doing the distraction stuff, doing the relaxation stuff, doing the mindfulness stuff etc etc ad infinitum...but that is not a life I consider worth living. The goal of completing my degree kept me going for twelve years. It is done now. I have one more thing that I need to deal with before I suicide...and that thing will most likely come to fruition within the next few weeks. Both my psychologist and my GP are aware of this situation...and neither have any answers. The reality is that the people who truly know my situation know that I have only one reason left to live, and that reason will be resolved soon. I have been telling my psychologist since the day we met that I need to find a reason to live before the last reason I have is finalised. And yet three months later, we still haven't come up with anything. I am moving towards a decision of rational suicide...and I am ok with that.

Back again @Phoenix_Rising

I've been thinking more about your post. I guess at first read it felt challenging. On the second read I realise that life has dealt you a rough hand of cards right down to your mental health care. I'm sorry you haven't been able to find the mh support you need. I know it's not a perfect world out there but I believe there is still more good than bad in mental health professionals but I agree with what you say in that you need to listen to your gut. I also know there are really good mh professionals that may suit one person but not another so it's really important to find the person who suits you. I think it helps if you have an understanding of your needs with a mh professional which is easier said than done. I've only recently been able to develop this understanding of what I need in my mh care. I still haven't got it all right in the support that is available to me but I have the understanding of what it is. I think once you've found the right support person you do listen and work out the strategies you need to move forward.

Lastly after I walked away from my last post I think I realised that i have written it will get better in two modes short term and long term. I really liked the way @Former-Member summed it up, in the short term when in distress it will pass and in the long term change is inevitable.

thanks for the though provoking post. I just wish it didn't have to come from your lived experiences. 💜🤗

You know @Phoenix_Rising i get what youve said in your last post. I'm a bit the same for very similar reasons. I haven't worked for 22 years. I have no skills, was half way through a degree when my mi hit but I'm not sure that degree would have ever given me work. I have about 12 months to be well enough to find and keep work. In thinking about your situation I'm gathering you are talking about needing a purpose in life, some thing that will sustain you. Have you thought about volunteering? It may give you that purpose. You could develop the skills you need to get work. I'm not sure what industry you're in. I understand how angry and frustrated and confused you are from your experiences but there are still different experiences that may yield something purposeful for you that may have a positive impact on your life, a reinventing if you like. From what I read that is what you need to find a life worth living, a purpose for being here. If you are it's a me too thing. Am I correct with this?

Hi @Former-Member,

I do have a volunteering gig one day a week. What I need is a real job that pays real money so that I can pay my real mortgage. I was telling my psychologist on Monday, if money wasn't an issue then sure, I could just pick up four more volunteering gigs one day/week and "work" a five day week that way. But money IS an issue. I have no one to turn to. I have no family who would take me in. If I can't pay my mortgage, I will be on the street.

It isn't a matter of lacking skills for work, it's the fact that I'm basically seen as a liability because of the two previous incidents. I really need a workplace that could cope with...well...me I guess, but it doesn't seem to exist. The second workplace incident occurred in a service that I was a client of. They claim to be a trauma-informed service, they knew my issues, they got a wage subsidy because we set up the arrangement through a disability employment service...and yet after I had a very significant trauma-related meltdown, they couldn't get rid of me fast enough.

BTW, my degree is in psychology. I hold a first class honours degree in psychology. There, I said it.

And thereby my dilemma too @Phoenix_Rising with needing to keep a roof over mine and my kids heads. But for me it's about purpose and payback too. A chance to pay some taxes back for what I've taken.

I can't imagine the frustration you are finding with all this. Do you have to work in this field? Is there something else that would pay the mortgage whilst searching for the soul fulfilling thing you need in your life. I'd imagine like me, you have your things that mean you have to think carefully about workplaces that can support you but allow for differences too. This is what I will need. I went in to my first psychiatrist logist and gave her a list of what it would take for me to want to live. I kind of cringe a bit now at that list but I think it has helped to have that list challenged a lot.

but getting back to the real issue of needing to pay the mortgage have you gone through a disability provider to find work. I haven't yet to know how it works. I'm just wondering if you have and how they've worked.

@Former-Member My first suicide attempt was 20 years ago. Things haven't improved since then and I reckon that's a decent length of time to have given it. You are absolutely correct in saying that I don't know whether things might improve in the next 20 years or not...I just don't feel a strong inclination to stick around and find out. Oh and just to clarify, in case anyone thinks I'm at imminent risk of suicide, you will see from my previous post that I still have one thing that needs to be finalised before I will suicide. I will not die today.