Struggling to deal with trauma

I fell pregnant and then lost and was grieving my grandparent who raised me at the same time, then I lost my loved pet that I had for 7 years, my partner who I was pregnant to verbally and physically abused me while I was pregnant and during my first year of being a new mum. I didn’t have any family support, only one really good friend who lives a fair distance from me. I had a traumatic c section and afterwards had some health scares while still in hospital, my mother and father gave me up when I was little and my only real supportive family member was my grandparent and him passing I felt very alone, because I had had mental health issues in previous years with childhood trauma, when I was grieving and pregnant and would tell my partner that I’m leaving him he constantly told me I was crazy and his family did too and that he was going to take my daughter from me, which was extremely hurtful and brought up past memories of not having my own mother. After he would calm down he always said he didn’t mean it and that he would just say it to hurt me out of anger for me wanting to leave. I feel like by the end of my pregnancy he made me feel so crazy. Many times I called the police with how he treated me and his grandmother would storm up to the house and try to explain how crazy I was all while being 9 months pregnant and filled with grief and copping non stop abuse from her grandson, she spoke to someone and got someone around to my house, not a mental health professional just two nurses to ask me if I knew the name of my daughter and when I was due, I assumed it was to check mental health. After my c section I was showing clear signs of postnatal depression but what made it worse is that my baby was in the nciu from blood sugar levels and anytime I wanted to be with her or hold her, especially the night I gave birth they told me, “no you’re too tired get some rest” or no not today/tonight” it went on for about a week even after she had normal blood sugar levels they still kept her in the nciu and they continually refused me to leave my room and see her. It was making it so hard to be connected to my baby and all I wanted was to hold her and love her and bond with her. I knew I was going through a hard time mentally so I asked if I could see a mental health team, they were very kind and understanding but then the next day after my partner had seen them they brought in other members of the team and all of a sudden wanted to put me into a mental health hospital and put me on different medication, I hadn’t even held my baby at the time and they wanted to take me away from her. It was the cruelest possible thing to do to a new mother when I know that I wasn’t a danger to myself or her and I couldn’t understand why they were wanting to worsen my depression at the time. They even mentioned to me that I must be having some sort of postnatal psychosis because I thought my maybe was going to be taken from me and i made it very clear to them that if they were told that during their pregnancy multiple times by someone who was very controlling and domineering that they would probably think that too. I was on medication at the time, had been for a few years and one night I asked the hospital what the tablet they were giving me as it didn’t look familiar and I had just been taking whatever they gave me assuming it was my own meds and pain meds after the birth and they were giving me something completely different with a really high dosage, it turned out that they had completely mixed up my medication for days. When I made a complaint and asked them to ring my psychiatrist about the medication and them not letting me see my baby they all of a sudden decided I was fine to go home with my daughter without even contacting her. I begged my partner to tell his family when I was ready for them to visit I would let him know before we left the hospital, that I needed time with her to bond first after all that had already happened but his whole entire family came even after I told them please not to and held my baby before I did infront of me, my own family got so pissed off with me about it that they couldn’t see her first that they refused to visit or even see how I was. My partners family were holding her infront of me while saying rude comments about mental health and what happened with the hospital. My partner bullied me into his mum minding my daughter on and off for weeks after we got home and I don’t feel like I can forgive myself for letting it happen, I really needed that time with my baby. I felt like those precious moments are forever lost. My Partner refused to help me after my c section and my c section opened twice. I then saw my aunt pass away in front of me in hospital visiting her while I was still 4 months into being a new mum and getting shit at home from my partner. I ended up having sleep paralysis 5 nights a week for months that I was too terrified to sleep but so sleep deprived that I needed to sleep. Because I reported my partner to the police many times during my pregnancy docs got involved after my baby was born and they were extremely supportive, the most support I had received from anyone apart from my best friend. The case manager made it clear to my partner how abusive he and his family were, especially with the gaslighting me about being crazy and she put a lot in place for us to help. During this time my daughter had reflux and we weren’t aware of it as she never cried much as a baby and she was refusing her bottles and arching her back, I was getting extremely worried because she was loosing weight and not drinking nearly as much as she needed and I tried everything to get her to drink, I saw a speech therapist and I even went to a different town to see Tresillian, a place that helps with new mums and their babies to understand what was happening for them to just tell me they didn’t know. The registered baby nurse mentioned it to docs and told them I wasn’t feeding her. I was extremely broken because having docs involved and then having these accusations thrown around it just brought up so many memories of not having my own mother and father and after all the threats from my partner saying he would take her during my pregnancy and all the accusations about my mental health from my partner and his family I started to think no one would take me seriously no matter how hard I was trying and that I would lose my baby no matter what. The case manager talked to me and told me she knew how much I cared and stressed about my baby not drinking and told me to book an appointment with a pediatrician. It turns out she had a floppy laranx and was getting some mild reflux and it was making it hard for her to drink and swallow and that’s why she was refusing. I will be forever grateful for that case managers support. Also during all of this I had a hernia from my pregnancy and was told by multiple drs that I didn’t have one, my partner even made me feel like I was crazy again and that I didn’t even know my own body and so did his family. Finally had a scan and had two hernias. Get surgery after 6 months of pain all to come home to my partner screaming at me that I wasn’t doing enough with my child and that 6 months not lifting and bending was a lie. Ended up getting both my hernias back and am still in a lot of pain everyday from that and ab separation. When life started to finally pick up for me and I felt like leaving my partner for good I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to keep my baby with all my heart body and soul but at the same time I didn’t think I’d be able to do all of that again with my partner and really needed to take care of myself and my health mentally and physically especially for my daughter. I ended up getting medication to terminate the pregnancy and to get the medication you have to have a scan to see if it is ectopic and it was ruled out and I was told it was a normal pregnancy. I felt so much guilt that i was finding it hard to process. 2 weeks later I could barely move and kept passing out, for my partner to say I’m faking it and that I’m a bad mum for not being able to take care of my daughter, just like how my parents left me, I ended up going to the hospital and turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tube had ruptured. I was going into hemorrhagic shock, lost 3 Ls of blood and needed surgery to remove one fallopian tube and had a blood transfusion. I also had some really scary experiences before going into hospital, I don’t know if it was oxygen deprivation or if it was the pain relief they gave me. I rang my partner after surgery and told him I needed him with me and he told me that he couldn’t he needs to be with our daughter, I felt that to be extremely hurtful because why couldn’t he just bring her with him. He then proceeded to make me feel like a horrible human being for asking him to be with me. All I really needed was love, the entire 3 years. Not surpring but he also refused me to have the 6 weeks of rest with not bending and lifting and my daughter was one year old almost 2 at the time and it was the most painful experience of my life doing everything while I was meant to be recovering and having two hernias. I had thought life wasn’t worth living on and off since I was 17 but never to an extreme extent but after almost losing my life for some reason all I could think of for weeks is that I wish that I had died and hadn’t gone to the hospital. I didn’t want to have sex whatsoever with my partner after that happened and definitely never again with him and he always made me feel guilty and made me feel forced to do so. When I would refuse again and again he then completely turned off me and called me disgusting now after I had a child because I had gained a lot of weight. I feel very depressed about my body but I constantly comfort eat and it’s such a toxic cycle for myself to be sad by my weight but then to not do anything about it because eating has been my only comfort for me lately. Out of all these experiences and I made them the short and sweet version, I feel like a very strong person, I was a very timid person beforehand so I do feel like it has been a growth on myself to experience these awful experiences because it’s made me extremely strong, none of what has happened has ever stopped me from being a good mum and I have a very strong connection with my baby now, I couldn’t imagine my life without it her and these experiences have never caused me any sort of a stress breakdown. But at the same time I’m so full of anger, I don’t trust people, I constantly think people have bad intentions or want to hurt me emotionally. I constantly grieve my baby as a newborn. I don’t feel like I got to grieve my pop in a healthy way and I feel like I still haven’t processed my grief, my cat was also very old and getting sick and I didn’t provide her with the proper vet care because I was going through a bad time and I feel like the guilt will forever be with me and that I can never forgive myself and that is so hard and painful for me to cope with. I feel like some days I get flashbacks where I can see and smell the room of the hospital when I gave birth like it was happening again, same with some of the other experiences. I even went to a councillor about this and she told me she didn’t think it was trauma and it sounded more like depression and completely dismissed me, after not seeing anyone for a year because I was too scared of my partner making out like I was crazy so much that I felt crazy and I didn’t seek out help because I didn’t want to lose my baby. I don’t know if it’s because I was constantly dismissed as a child from family members that I don’t sound sure of myself but I’m sick of never being taken seriously.