Sadness at Christmas

hey @john74 it's nice to see you and i'm glad you've reached out 😊

i'm so sorry that this period has been an overwhelming time for you. you did NOT deserve to be treated so poorly.
i do remember you mentioned that your birthday was around this time too? if there's anything we can do to support you, let us know.

we're here for you. the forums will be available 24/7 so please do continue to connect with the community and know that we care about you.

Sorry, you have had the DV from a woman and not experiencing your kids goodwill at Christmas. @john74 It can add up to Christmas being a huge challenge.

What are your plans to manage it?

I spent many alone.

I have lots of tricky dates, feast days, birthdays and anniversaries. There is also the added social awkwardness and shame of people's conversation in the lead up and following.

Parental alienation is very far from the right thing to do for kids. No matter what age.

Hi @john74

I can see how painful this must be for you. This time of year can really amplify loneliness, especially when family connections have been lost. I know it feels like this for me. What you’ve described though sounds incredibly hard... losing contact with your children and grandchildren, and having that pain continue through control and distance, would leave anyone feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

You’re not alone here, even if it feels that way right now. If you feel up to it, and feel comfortable to, do you want to share more about what this time of year brings up for you, or what’s helped... even a little in past years. We’re here with you.

@rav3n

Thanks thete are 2 bas days of the year that trigger things fathers day and my birthday Christmas eve and Christmas day..l have no one around me my father passed away in mid 2022 and mum has moved interstate with my brother neither have spoken since.

Hi @MJG017 This time of year just brings up emotional loss and memories of happier times when the kids were younger. I am fairly resilient and can solve most problems with healp but dealing with a narcissistic controlling person is an impossible problem to resolve. Even though the marriage ended 3 years ago l still feel the control over the kids to hurt me will continue forever l can't see an end to the pain l suffer.

Thanks @Appleblossom It's been wors this year due to financial hardship bought on by my housemates leaving in mid October and l have found a new housemate but he doesn't move in until early January as he starts University on 20 th. It's difficult to cover higher rent on pension it took 3 months to find someone so that limited my mobility. I have plans to downsize house in the new year but with the current Housing market who knows how long it will take.

Hi @john74

It makes sense that this time of the year is particularly challenging. It's good to hear you're fairly resilient. It's also understandable that it feels impossible to resolve issues when dealing with a narcissistic person. It's not good that you can't see the end to the pain you suffer. It's great to see you reaching out here for support. Is there any other support you have around you? Have you heard of the Family Relationships Advice line?

TunedIn 🌿

Yep. Its not easy managing on a pension @john74

Downsizing and living alone and sharing a house have different trade offs. You sound like you are wiely going through your options. Children always miss the connections they need with both of their parents. I am pretty sad at the general state of families these days. Not sure the courts and systems in place are making things better. I realised late in life how much my mother manipulated me against my father.

I used to pull in hide out at home, during the christmas madness, and quietly stick my head out after it had passed. Somehow I consoled myself.

Take care

Hi@john74 I think it's like that for a lot of us with Christmas... memories of happier times. I don't have kids of my own, so I can only imagine the pain that being forced to be separated from them at any time, let alone this time of year would bring. I got to a local men's mental health group, and there's a few guys there in a similar position to you. Having to deal with a narcissistic and controlling ex to have any contact with their kids. I've seen in them how difficult it is and how much damage it can do to the mental health.

I think you're right about it being an impossible problem to resolve. Hopefully your kids will one day see the truth and start some contact of their own with you. Sadly, it's one of those things you really can't control. When I find myself in a mental battle over something outside of my control, I like to try and focus on what I can control. Maybe for you, it might be to remember those happier times as proof you are a good dad and that this current situation isn't you're fault. That control your ex has over you has it's limits. Don't let it make you blame yourself or think less of yourself. There's a lot of problems in the whole system with these breakups and a lot of victims of it. Take care of yourself and hope that things can change with you kids. All you can do is wait and be ready for them if and when that happens. Are there any groups. online or in person, you could go to with other fathers in a similar position. If I recall correctly I think you said you lived in a more remote rural area, so options may be limited. But I know guys in our group get a lot about talking to other guys who understand and remind them that they are good dads, but just victims of a very broken system.