General chit chat

Hi @Former-Member, just about to go to psychiatrist appointment. Hopefully my exhaustion will lift later today so that I can respond to you in more detail. At the moment, all I can think and feel is, 'I am exhausted!' So, for now, I'll just send love and hugs.

Thinking fo you @Mazarita

Hello @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope, @Pepsimax, @Former-Member

Thank you for the love and hugs @Mazarita. Think about you now as I'm thining about me (and know we are thinking about each other and many others) Rest after you appointment sweet Mazy, we are not being selfish, we are surviving. We will both come through this, as we have so many times before.

Hello @Shaz51, I hope you don;t have to clean houses today. I think your a very kind and caring person. and I am grateful for your friendship. I have to go and get gas now. Hope your day has given you many smiles 🙂

you have given me a smile @Former-Member

did some gardening this morning

I’m feeling a little sad now, about nothing in particular and yet everything. There’s a constant sorrow of loneliness. I’ve read posts here of people that are alone and it doesn’t bother them, I wish it didn’t bother me. I wouldn’t want someone with me all the time, I know I don’t cope well with people, I can’t tolerate them; but a friend that I could visit, someone that might help me – I would really like that. I once had a Doctor tell me, ‘some people are better off alone’; I remember I instantly thought ‘you’ve never really been alone have you. Had to deal with every problem that faces you alone, had to go without because you can’t figure things out on your own, revert back to a very basic lifestyle because that’s all you can deal with alone!’ Maybe I am one of those people, but even if I try to think that way, it doesn’t stop the loneliness. Take this Forum for instance, though I can’t say a bad word about it, it kind of points out my empty life; that I derive such joy from letters written by strangers on an electric screen.

My dogs are my World, they don’t see me as ill, broken or having a disability. I fit in perfectly with them. But they don’t speak my language, I miss words, hearing them, speaking them. I recently did speak in my little town, I now dread facing those people again; as I realize I would not have seemed ‘normal’ and they will have the opinion that I am ‘strange’. Maybe I am strange, I was polite, pleasant and grateful; somehow I don’t think that’s normal anymore. I think even my own child is embarrassed about me, it really hurts that they never visit me – though I really appreciate that they phone me every night, it often feels like I’m being a burden and they feel they must do it. I don’t make phone calls, I never ring them, so how can I complain that they never visit me – it’s confusing? I miss them a great deal, but then when I visit I can only handle it for a few days, then I can’t deny even to myself that I want to leave – it’s too much.

Having typed all that, my child has just rung me – it feels like a weight being taken off my chest. I could feel the connection, a lifetime of knowing each other through all the stages we’ve both been through. I feel privileged with a special bond. I feel love that can carry any burden. I feel wanted, important to them – not because of what I can or cannot do for them, but because of the love I freely and unconditionally give to them. I feel better, goodness and clarity – at least in that bond there is no confusion. There is no-one else that knows me like they do, there is no-one else that has stood by me for a lifetime, and there is no-one else I trust so completely.

So this is a conflicting post, but I don’t deny my minds conflict, it’s a constant conspirator, seething with suspicion. But with the help of my child, and my friends on this forum, I will get through the difficult parts of my cycle. Sadness happens but so does joy, denying either is a lie. In accepting my sadness I can accept my joy.

Good morning, @Former-Member

Great news here: owner has decided not to sell the flat for the time being. Don't know when he might change his mind again, but for now I am happy that we don't have to go through the sales process any further, with all the stress that this entails. So today I'm up very early, feeling better than yesterday morning, though I still have this left-side headache that has been plaguing me fairly constantly for two to three weeks since recent stresses began. I need to make an appointment to see my GP about it this week if I can. I may need to see a neurologist as it seems to be a reappearance of a condition I had about fifteen years ago called trigeminal neuralgia. I know the pain can get much worse, to the point of being unendurable, if it progresses further.

My mind is also a conspirator, though perhaps in a different way to you. I have a tendency to become suspicious of peoples' motives and look on the dark side when insecure or under stress. It's a kind of emotional paranoia that keeps me at an emotional distance from people, even those I am otherwise very close to. It's something I'd like to talk more about with my psychiatrist at some time in the future. Yesterday's session we talked mainly about housing options. For a psychiatrist, he's surprisingly well-versed in matters that would normally be considered social work. I've not found that with psychiatrists before. I realised yesterday that I love him (as a person, not romantically). I'm sure he is well-loved by many of his other clients too.

So glad your child rang you just at a time when you were feeling troubled and lonely. I too value long relationships with people who have seen us through different phases of life. I think it's good that you recognise the limitations of online contact. At the same time, it is also very resourceful of you (and all of us) to find the emotional and other support that is available here. I've had some online relationships for more than 10 years now. These are mainly creative collaboration relationships, often not very personal but richly rewarding in participating in creative projects that would simply be impossible without the net. I also once had an internet romance that turned into a real life romance about 20 years ago. It was a life changing event, though in person we were not compatible long term. Rather than question it too much, these days I tend to think about how we are living in the second decade of the 21st century and online social contact is a fairly natural part of that now, with all its enhancements and limitations in relation to 'the really real'.

So glad you are enjoying Brian Cox. I don't read much at the moment, except on the screen. My eyesight and concentration is not good for books any more. This is partly to do with side effects of medications I am taking, I believe. I used to be an avid reader of novels. The last frenzy I had with this I was gobbling up 18th and 19th century literature that I found free to read online at a site called Project Gutenberg. Lots of Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, Bronte Sisters, George Eliot and others. I think any way we read is valid, including browsing for sections that catch our eye, as you have been doing. Wonderful to read your account of snowflakes and icebergs, bees and honeycombs, and hexagons. I dig your mind.

It's great to hear your good news @Mazarita 🙂 What a relief! I looked up that condition you have, sounds like it can be really nasty, you'd better get into your GP sooner rather than later. You've had quite the roller-coaster ride of late and I don't think that would help it?

I knew there was some reason I clicked with you so quickly - let us conspire together 🙂 Like being lost souls swimming in this fish bowl we call a Forum. But I don't mind, if somebody gets some sort of insight from our writing here, than it may help someone else in the future. I think loving you psychiatrist is the most positive thing I have ever heard about one, way to go 🙂 Hang on to that one!

My child is the most positive thing in my life, everything changed as soon as I knew they were there. They gave me a reason to keep living, a purpose in my life, love like I'd never felt it before and have never experienced anything like it again - love that lasts a lifetime I have never had internet relations last as long as you, but maybe I'm just beggining them here? I have met men from internet dating sites, it was disastorous - sleezy is the only way I can put it - thank goodness I'm over all that!!

Hasn't Brain Cox got an amazing mind!?! I have recently gotten a Neuroplasicity DVD out from the library, I don't think Brain would be able to improve his brain much more than it already is! I then tried a site with 'excercises' for the brain; I thought I needed help with my memory but it told me it was 70 something percent (very surprising!), but my concerntration (I think it was that one - I can't really remember :D) was extremely low - 10-15% (again I can't remember exactly 😄 :D) So I'm waiting for excercises to come to email so I can start trying to improve it - no harm trying 🙂

Charles Dickens and Jane Austin are names I know well, though I couldn't tell you what stories they wrote. I used to enjoy them a lot when I was younger and the words would 'go in' better (and I can't blame it on medications, drugs maybe, but not prescibed ones :() I can't wait to get Mr Cox's DVDs, words and pictures (particularly pictures) 'go in' much better. I'll probably have quite the blurb to tell after I see them 🙂 😄 I dig your mind too Mazy

@Former-Member, I sometimes play that song on my ukelele