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I'm Lost

ta2032New Contributor10 Mar 2017, 11:21 pm AEDT

I'm Lost

Hi...

I don't know why I signed up to this forum. I think I just need some place to get everything off of my chest. Even just writing this is making me not feel so... alone.

There are just... so many things that aren't normal with me. I am depressed. I have social anxiety which prevents me from forming relationships with anyone unless I have time to mentally prepare myself. I have mild agoraphobia which means that I can leave my safe spaces, but I need time to prepare, and even then I feel terrified and have to go through my calming exercises. It took me 7 months to go to a cafe across the street from where I worked. I have very little control over my emotions. I can jump between depressed, furious, annoyed, and "neutral". I get paranoid, and I'm even starting to have hallucinations (though, as these are mainly of massive spiders, I have a suspicion that the hallucinations are unrelated to anything). My weight fluctuates dramatically based on how well I can force myself to work up to my "neutral" state. I have zero self-esteem, mainly because I haven't been at a comfortable weight... ever, but also because I have no social exposure. The only partners that I've had have been long distance ones where I could throw a wall between us, and blame stupid things like timezones or "being busy" when I wasn't able to participate in an emotional connection.

I can't keep control over my emotions. One moment I am happy, and the next I will be bawling, and the trigger can be something so small, so innocuous. The most recent example was during work - a colleague was talking to my supervisor, and I immediately shut down and became swamped in anger and self-loathing. I burst into silent sobs for the next ten minutes at my desk. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, but when people came over to check on me, they would invariably touch my shoulder, and that just sent off another cascade of tears.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11. I stopped taking my medication with assistance from my doctor by the time I was 13. When I was 21 I went to a new doctor (my old one retired) and was told that I would be prescribed new medication as soon as a series of tests were done. The upside of that was, after four visits where I told my doctor that my depression was becoming a problem, I found out that I had a duplex collecting system. I went to see a new doctor because I thought that my old one wasn't taking me seriously. When I asked for a copy of my medical records, I saw that despite saying for the last three months that I needed help, there was no mention of depression. Just that I wore casual clothes, was overweight, and had frequent measurable hot flushes.

My new doctor had me complete a K10 and then see a therapist, because (he claims) that's what Medicare forces him to do when someone he hasn't treated in the past requests anti-depressants. The therapist decided to focus on why I have panic attacks when I'm in hot, crowded spaces surrounded by alcohol. I couldn't even start to direct him towards helping me with what I went to talk with him about.

For the past three years, I have been yoyoing between melancholy and deep depression. Only my family knows. I've become extremely good at lying and pretending that I can feel any sort happiness that my colleagues have described me as "bright", "happy", and even "vivacious". But at the time, nothing can be further from the truth.

I keep trying my hardest to deal with people. There was a celebration booked for tonight, and I said I would go. I even paid the catering fee. Two days ago I told someone else who would have been welcome to attend that they were welcome to take my place (J further on). They asked me why and I lied and said I had a job interview. I got a message on facebook from another person (C further on) saying "THANKS FOR TELLING ME YOU AREN'T COMMING". For once, I managed to close the tab before I blew up at them over how it wasn't any of their business if I was attending or not, and that given that I had already paid for a party where there was no limit on the number of people who could attend, at worst it meant that people would have more food and more space.

As I am writing this post, I got a message from J, telling me how much C wanted me to be there, which just makes me feel guilty, as if I am impacting on their enjoyment of the evening by not being there, but I just can't pretend to be happy for them anymore. I'm just so tired of doing it.

I've reached a black spot in my life once more. The contract for my job ended recently, and nowhere that I apply to even wants to give me a second look. I can't even get an entry level position at McDonalds.

I don't know how to cope. I think I'm going crazy, and I have nothing to hold on to anymore.

Anyway... if you've read this far, I've taken up enough of your time. Thank you for reading this. Just getting this down in writing has helped to lift a massive weight.

4 replies

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In response to: I'm Lost

KurraSenior Contributor10 Mar 2017, 11:45 pm AEDT

Re: I'm Lost

Hi @ta2032

I'm glsd you've found it helpful writing down all these things that have been getting on top of you.

Looking after yourself first is important so I wouldn't worry about what other people are saying about you not going out tonight. In this sort of situation I've found it useful to say I'm not feeling well and I need to go home to bed. Most people think that you're talking about feeling sick and are prepared to accept your absence.

I'm not surprised the doc suggested you see a therapist. Talk therapy is very helpful but you do need to givr them time to get to know you and just as important for you to get to know them.

If you've got something really important to talk about I would suggest that you say you have something that's really worrying you that you'd like to talk about. This puts you in control of the conversation.

The doc will get feedback from the therapist and may well decide to prescribe an antidepressant as well as recommend you continue to see the therapist. This is the recommended form of treatment now. Years ago it judt tended to be medication but the combination of talk therapy and medications is very powerful.

Stick with the therapist and see your doc regularly so that you can be sure you're getting the best treatment possible.

I do hope you're feeling a lot better very soon. 🎶

In response to: Re: I'm Lost

MazaritaSenior Contributor11 Mar 2017, 12:43 am AEDT

Re: I'm Lost

Hi @ta2032, welcome to the forum. 🙂

Sounds like you are going through a really tough time with your emotions changing a lot, feelings of depression, social anxiety, low self esteem and some paranoia. Your employment situation sounds difficult too. It's understandable that you might feel lost at present.

I don't believe in changing doctors or therapists too often, but it sounds like your experience with the therapist you were referred to has not been at all satisfactory to you. Given the number of mental health issues you seem to be struggling with at the moment, one option might be to consider a referral to a psychiatrist. They are specialists in diagnosis of mental illness, and are much more expert at the medications that can assist. They can also be very good counsellors (depending on the 'fit' between client and doctor). The way to do this would be to ask your doctor specifically for a referral to a psychiatrist.

I'm with @Kurra on suggesting you think as little as possible about the reactions of friends to you not attending a party. It seems a small issue in relation to the larger ones you describe, which are ongoing. In any case, I'm with you on anyone's right to choose to attend a party or not. I also agree that it can be simplest in situations like that to just say you are not well and leave it at that.

I also find this forum a good ongoing resource in my mental health toolkit. There's lots of understanding and support around here, so that I no longer feel as isolated in my struggles. Wishing you well.

In response to: I'm Lost

Unknown userMember11 Mar 2017, 9:23 am AEDT

Re: I'm Lost

Hi @ta2032

I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled with depression for so long. It's something that has been a big part of my life too.

It seems as though you've reached out for help a lot as well which shows how strong you are and how much you want things to be different. I do think that its important to find a therapist who you feel you can develop a relationship with. If thats not happening it might be good to seek a new one. Most therapists won't be upset about this because they know how important that relationship is. (though im not sure i would feel comfortable in saying that). I also know that it took me the better part of a year to trust my psychologist enough to really be able to tell her important stufff.... I knew that I liked her, that i wanted to trust her, but getting to that point was really hard (and i sometimes still struggle with it).

I really hope that you find the forums, a welcoming and helpful space,

In response to: I'm Lost

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Mar 2017, 9:33 pm AEDT

Re: I'm Lost

@ta2032.
Welcome to the forums.
I spent many years trying to find a good psychologist / counsellor that I could connect with. I'm so glad I persisted. My current psychologist has helped me so much.
All the things you wrote about here - have you told it all to your therapist or only bits of your symptoms? To get the most benefit - it's important that your therapist knows it all. If you find it hard to say it all out loud - why not show him/her this post.
As @Mazarita said - a psychiatrist is more skilled in diagnosis of mental illness than a psychologist.
It was my psychiatrist who diagnosed my depression anxiety (adjustment disorder) & PTSD. He worked out my medication. Which my gp now writes the scripts for. My psychologist is the one who I talk to about issues I need help with & who teachers me coping techniques.
Keep searching for the help you need

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