Not ready for baby!

Dear @MummaMe

A very warm welcome to the forums! No wonder you are struggling and worrying how you will cope with two. Raising children is very hard work and certainly can be exhausting, even when more spaced out over time.

I am really very exhausted at the moment, so I'm afraid I can't think of anything to offer in help right now, but hopefully some of the others might be able to offer some ideas - @Uggbootdiva @Alessandra1992

You don't mention whether you've got a diagnosis or previous history of MI, have you suffered from depression or anything previously? I know the feeling of being scared you'll have a breakdown - it's terrifying, looked down that road a few times myself.

When you can't sleep I suggest try instead to just rest; remind yourself that even if you aren't sleeping rest is good for you too. (I suffer from insomnia quite a lot, I find this shift in attitude has helped me to be less anxious when I'm not sleeping, and better rested when I get up).

Take care of you MM.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

PS Hopefully I'll be able to post a fuller reply in a few days when some of the "stuff" going on for me has settled down. In the meantime here's a poem I wrote when my eldest (now nearly 18) was a baby - I hope you enjoy it.

Child of Mine

Blood of my blood
Bone of my bone
Flesh of my flesh
Milk of my breast
Child of my heart
Person of your own

Kristin © 1997

Welcome @MammaMe

I second @kristin response, about the difficulty of raising children, particularly very small children who are dependant on us.

Please don't overlook your maternal health nurse, they are dealing with mothers feeling anxious and overwhelmed all the time! They have the ability and resources to connect you in with support, which might include domestic help, counselling, and possibly increase their involvement with your family until you are connected.

How would you feel about giving them a call?

Also, keep in mind if you don't feel particularly connected to the nurse in your area, you can make an appointment to see another nurse.

Parentzone in Melbourne offer parenting support on a range of issues, and may also have the capacity to work with individual families.

Parentline, 1300 30 1300, may also suit, in that you can call them whenever it suits, particularly valuable when you have young children!

Please keep us updated, we'd love to hear how you get on.

Hi MummaMe,

How brave to talk about what is such a difficult subject. I can really hear how much you love your beautiful daughter and how scared you are about how you will manage with 2! Raising children is a mammoth job and the daily drudgery is something that isn’t talked about much.

It is not OK for you to be so exhausted that you wonder how you will get out of bed each day. You need to know that you are not alone in your exhaustion, it is really common when pregnant and looking after an infant, but it does not mean it needs to be this way. I wonder if you have small rests during the day? Is your daughter in childcare at all? Do you have ways to care for yourself that nourish you not demand of you?

MummaMe when feeling overwhelmed and trapped, it is really normal to experience resentment. That does not make you a bad mum. It just means you need support. We all need support at some point in our lives. It is awesome that you know the sort of mum you want to be and you are talking about how to be that mum.

There are lots of different factors that might be contributing to how you are feeling and just as many strategies to help. For example, have you spoken to a GP about your tiredness and concerns about coping? Maybe you have had depression or anxiety in the past and you are scared about where you are now… and where you might end up. Up to 1 in 10 women experience depression during pregnancy and more than one in seven new mums are diagnosed with postnatal depression each year; anxiety rates are thought to be even higher. The earlier you access support and treatment the better. If you don’t feel you can talk with your GP it might be a good time to find a GP you can talk to about emotional wellbeing and mental health as well as physical health. Another thing you could start straight away is to challenge those labelling thoughts about yourself: ‘stupid’ and ‘selfish’. Can you try to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgement, and see those feelings as an indicator that you need some support: not that you are stupid or selfish or a bad person… or mother… or wife…

I can only imagine how painful it is to be so far from your own family and to have your in-laws here but ‘not here’! Feeling connected and supported is really important for all of us. It doesn’t sound like playgroup and mothers group have worked for you in the way they are meant to either. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries at different groups to find the right mix, where you can be you, without having to wear a mask of coping or pretending. Supported playgroups can be a good option. There are also community supports that can help parents who do not have family nearby or available to provide an extra pair of hands or a hug. It can take a little time to get these supports in place so it would be great if you can take that first step now. If it seems too difficult to manage these things on your own you can phone PANDA and one of the counsellors (most have experienced struggles in early parenthood) can speak with you about the tricky parts of managing each day, some strategies that might work for you, and can look at services that meet your needs. Sometimes just talking about how you feel and it being ‘OK’ helps.

MummaMe there is a way forward and you began it when you made your first post. An enormous cyber hug for you.

The PANDA team (1300 726 306)

I felt the same way and I spoke to the hospital social worker who referred me to Panda.

Another thing that is going on at the moment is a place called 'Mum Mood Booster' that offers free treatment (assigning you to one of three different types of treatment to test the efficacy of each) that you might find helpful? I wish I had the willpower to be able to stick with any form of therapy, I just get overwhelmed.