Catholic HELP???

Been sneaking around the forum for a little while now and talked about different aspects of my story. But for some reason I've spent the last 24hrs in another reality, I think. PTSD has my fight/flight responses going crazy. It hasn't helped, when I became so financially desperate because of 2017 bad luck that it was suggested I ask for assistance. Enter Vinnies...but.

As a kid one particular priest started sitting me on his knee, holding me close and touching me all in the view of others really, eg at the table. Finally after my dad's death his abuse became sexual as he abused me on an altar in a church. That was just the beginning. Going to a catholic school I was often called out to help him and trips to my cousins farm became regular, supposedly giving mum a break. As I grew older other priests became involved and all sorts of rituals began to become prominent. I was known as the chosen one.

This, can't even begin to explain exactly what this was, went on for 10 years, involving 3 miscarriages at the age of 16 and an attempted kidnapping supposedly to bring a new saviour into the world and all this as my immediate family were totally unaware. I don't ask how anymore.

Disassociation must have been the only thing that meant that I survived. At the age of 30 after a night in a motel room with alcohol and sleeping tablets I began to remember. BANG doesn't seem adequate to show the impact. Every one, drs, therapists seemed relieved that all my illnesses and other stuff were explained, but there I was surrounde by ghosts, people, memories and many unexplained emotions. If I ever thought I knew myself this was a farce. I had no idea who I could even be, let alone who others saw me as.

My life had become overwhelmed with flashbacks and nightmares and the reality of the abuse became more and more obvious. But it wasn't until 3 years ago that anyone even mentioned PTSD and only in the last year that I have started seeing a psychologist who specialises in this disorder so I am still very frightened ans when asking my therapist just the other day can I be fixed she stated that the PTSD can be managed, that I wasn't in need of fixing but my symptoms could be helped. Why has it taken soooo long? And how much later can I hang on? I mean how mant new memories can there be. Being overtired has lead to a barrage of flashbacks and sleep has become IMPOSSIBLE!

So asking a catholic group for help has made me feel so low that I can't even explain it and I can feel myself slipping away, detatching myself from myself mainly. I'm sure anyone seeing me would see the usual, day to day stuff being done, looking after my sister and doing general living. But I can feel myself slipping and I can't tell anyone, I don't want to worry anyone and I don't want people to know that I am still failing.

Bloody catholics. Bb.