Cutting off toxic family member

@PeterStrahm

I think you should focus on the trip and worry about it later. Never make big decisions when you are not at your baseline. This is a good time for you to process your relationship with your sister as you are with supporting family and on a cruise- full of good vibes. Treat this as an opportunity to trial if you are ready to cut her out of your life by having no contact. If she contacts, tell her you don’t want to talk and it’s better to come back to this (or don’t) after a break.

Thank you, @Mrs_Fix .

I’m doing my best to enjoy the cruise. It’s a little hard to enjoy myself because she called my mum at 2am to whinge about me and lie about things I said (mum knew they were lies because she saw my texts beforehand). She keeps messaging mum nonstop about me. Mum told her about her behaviour in the last year effecting my health to the point my GP is considering inpatient admission. My sister thinks she is worse than me and should be hospitalised instead.

I’m scared she will retaliate against me at home as she often barges into my room without permission and screams across the house and swears. I have non epileptic seizures so stress can cause me to land on the floor and I cannot stand due to my disability.

I think she is having a mental health episode because her behaviour has been worse the last month or so. She keeps making outlandish and absurd accusations that no reasonable person could make. Everyone in my family has tried to encourage her to seek professional help but she refuses. I can’t force her to go to therapy and at some point, her refusal to help herself isn’t my problem. It doesn’t give her an excuse to take out her anger on the rest of us, which all of us feel she does.

I need an unbiased opinion on whether what I said was racist (that you interact with different cultures more on a cruise than on other holidays)? So far everyone who has seen the messages and knows the truth have taken my side. Nobody in the family agrees with my sister. She doesn’t understand why I’m still mad but I take the accusation of racism seriously and I feel like she has insulted my character and made malicious lies.

@PeterStrahm

It must be tough to go through this especially with someone you are so close with. I am glad you are managing. Must be difficult for your mum as well as she needs to be there for you both. I hope she is doing okay.

It sounds like your sister is having an episode, and it can be very dangerous if things escalate especially she is away from family. Do you have anyone that you can contact to do a welfare check on your sister if needed? I understand you are very overwhelmed with everything. But being on this forum , I believe you have more experience in similar situations and therefore, please prioritise everyone’s welfare ( you, your sister and your mother). We can always come back to solve relationship/communication issues.

And what you said is not racist. Remember Ruby Princess and Covid? You are literally living on a ship with people from all over the world. Even having a chat with stranger at a cafe could be a great experience.Everyone has their own way to enjoy things and my favourite way to enjoy cultural diversity is by food. I get overwhelmed in crowds so I avoid festivals/ cultural celebrations.

@Mrs_Fix

My sister is in contact with my uncles, who live nearby. However, one is avoiding contact with her because he is also frustrated with her lying in a different incident. She is on leave from work but goes back on Monday. She keeps in contact with her work colleagues but doesn’t consider them friends, although they know about everything that happens in our house, including my medical history and any fights at home. She always says they agree with her.

My sister is very dependent on my mum and this cruise is the first time she has ever lived by herself. She has a poor relationship with my parents and has been upsetting them a lot lately. I told my mum she doesn’t have to defend me against her, but my mum insisted on trying to convince her to apologise, which caused my sister to insult her. My mum was in therapy before because of my sister’s behaviour towards her and at this point, she is no longer surprised.

I think dad is more affected than mum, actually. He told me he no longer feels like my sister’s father because they had a major argument just before we left for the trip.

I don’t know what more to do in that regard. If I organise a professional welfare check, I’m pretty sure they have to tell her who sent them. She has tried to destroy my property before and punish me by taking away medical aids so I’m not keen on angering her further.

I don’t think she is in any danger to herself. She is prone to having episodes where she flies into a rage and usually lashes out at other people when this happens.

Hey @PeterStrahm,

Sounds like there is a lot happening with your sister, and I can hear how much concern you have for her wellbeing. Even though you also struggle to get along with her and have been hurt by her in the past, it sounds like you still care about her (which can bring up a lot of complex and complicated feelings).

Having your sister not show you the same care and concern in return must be incredibly difficult to cope with, and it sounds like your parents are struggling with her too... It's difficult to know how to support someone when they don't want support themselves, and there is only so much you can do when you reach the end of your tether. Being accused of being racist sounds like it's had a big impact on you too, as it's something that you take very seriously (which we totally understand). Know that the comment you shared was NOT racist, and it's great to hear that your family agree with you too.

It sounds like you were contemplating calling in a welfare check on her but feel unsure as you've had your sister retaliate against you by taking away your medical aids, and you have fears that the police will inform her who called. Usually for welfare checks, you can request to keep that information private from your sister, so she doesn't know who called it in. We understand why you may not want to do this and jeopardise her retaliation, however if you do have serious concerns about her welfare or safety, we encourage you to call the police.

We hope that despite your concerns with your sister, you are able to have a nice cruise with your parents! And you can always reach out to Lifeline or Beyond Blue if you are needing some one-on-one support with your mental health 🤗

Take care!

@NightPixie

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate your help.

She’s still messaging my mum calling me delusional and trying to appeal to me through her to send me Reddit articles that she’s right. She doesn’t accept my mum telling her she is in the wrong.

She has outed me as genderfluid to most of my conservative Christian family members. Mum told her I didn’t want anyone else knowing about my gender and she said, “Well, I outed them. Sorry to say.”

Thankfully, they were all fine and speak to me like nothing happened. The worst thing I got was someone told her non-binary people don’t exist and if someone wants to be a different gender, they should have surgery.

I’m just gobsmacked by her behaviour. I thought being a peer support worker would mean she would have an understanding of transgender people and discrimination. I feel like my trust in her, of which there was little to begin with, is completely gone.

While I’ve been on the cruise, my health has been much better and a lot of my illnesses/symptoms are gone or improved. My psychologist and psychiatrist have identified her as the main barrier to my health improving. We have talked for more than a year now about respite or out of home care but I don’t want to leave my parents with her because they are also deeply affected by her behaviour.

I don’t think I can safely do anything about whatever episode she is experiencing. I have expressed my concern about her behaviour to my parents and they shared the same sentiment.
Also, if I can get an unbiased opinion, I use she/they/he pronouns. My sister knows I am genderfluid and use she/they/he pronouns. She asks me what pronouns I am using everyday. When she is mad at me, my sister always reverts to she/her and doesn’t correct herself. This has happened multiple times, despite knowing what pronouns I am using on that day. Is that transphobic?