Just a question

I think it's great you have been able to be open and trusting enough to tell us this @Yerta . 😊 Your goals for this year regarding putting your needs primary, and starting out with water-based gentle exercise/relaxation, sound fantastic. I used to do aqua classes (pre-covid) and found that because I would go to the same time slot class I did get to know "friendly faces" each week and over weeks they would say "hi" and "bye", and if I missed a week sometimes one would say they missed me and hoped I was doing OK, etc. Some of the retirees also would stay and have coffee after one of the classes, and that was a nice option to stay and have social contact if I wanted (but also the option to not if I didn't want to).

"fear and mistrust in getting to know people is much stronger at the moment. I also need to get over wanting the people already in my life showing up how I would like them to show up, because I know I won't get from them what I need, even after expressing what I need from them. So I don't even trust the people already 'close' to me. So how am I supposed to trust strangers. "

I can completely understand this; it makes a lot of logical sense too - we want to keep ourselves protected and safe, and in the past we have had experiences that have not been safe. I also have a number of people who I would like to "show up" in my life differently to how (limited) they do, and have to accept that they can't or won't - and that is their allowed choice, and instead I need to seek out people who will and can show up for me the way I need. And for me, learning that it is ok to need people to show up for me has been a challenge that I have been challenging myself to work on - the permission to reach out to people.

I hope you also find this forum as much of a safe and supportive place as I have. It has helped me find people to genuinely care, who can show up for me when I need it, as well as give me the opportunity to show up and care for others too (which is big value for me and something that I feel is worthwhile and meaningful connection).

Perhaps this forum's "strangers" can also be a safe way to learn that some "strangers" are safe and caring, and that whilst we may all be anonymous here - we also are real people in real communities, like the one you live in. And that logically it would also mean that people just like us also exist in the face-to-face community, it can just be harder to find them unless there is a like-minded meet-group to bring them together (like this forum does).

I look forward to seeing you walk this path this year, and how we can support you along the way -- celebrating the wins, encouraging during the low-motivation or fears, and extra supportive during the hard lows.

@Ruby26 @TranquilOne @J_Oz @Shaz51

@Yerta most of the people who are close to me are the people who have proven they are untrustworthy. I do find it hard to read social cues from strangers to help me understand if they are trustworthy or not, which makes me feel very vulnerable. However, I figure a stranger can never have the power to hurt me as much as my family have. I will never be as vulnerable as I was as a child, so even if people betray my trust, the worst is already over. It still hurts when people betray me, particularly my ex (who started off as a stranger and turned out to be capable of evil) but nothing is ever as bad as childhood betrayal.

My family will never show up for me the way I want them to show up. I'm trying to accept that I can't control their behaviour. It is hard because it still hurts so much, but I try to focus on the things I can actually control.

Pool membership sounds like a fantastic idea! Swimming has been an important part of my trauma healing. Spontaneous movement combined with the presence of other people is very effective as a complex trauma treatment. Swimming is also great for exercise and grounding. I love your idea of slowly building up to doing a swimming class.

Having a break from your father sounds like a good idea. I hope you manage to find a trauma psychologist. I think finding a professional who understands the impact of trauma on the brain will be helpful for you. Hope to see more of you on the Sane forums too.

@Yerta I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s such a painful place to be, and reading your post really resonated with me. I want you to know that you are seen by me. I know this is a late reply, but I wanted to respond because I relate to some of it of what you’re describing. Early last year, when I was diagnosed with CPTSD and finally started much-needed therapy, I realised I’d been quite blind for most of my life to the dynamics in my friendships. A lot of people I thought were friends were only there when it suited them, and the hot-and-cold nature of those relationships took a toll on me in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time.

When I stepped away from those relationships, the loneliness was intense. Even though it was better in one way for me, it also felt incredibly empty. All of the sudden it felt like I had no one to hang out with. There were long stretches where I didn’t have meaningful face-to-face connection either, and that kind of isolation really messes with your sense of being real or mattering. Eventually, I enrolled in a volunteer project. I was absolutely terrified, I remember how anxious I was that morning, and the first few weeks felt very shaky. No joking! I was constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, about being too much, or not enough. But I kept turning up. Slowly, over time, I started to feel a small sense of belonging there. Over time, by showing up each week, I slowly started to feel a sense of connection. It wasn’t instant, but there were people who really noticed me and were glad to see me. Even though these weren’t “best friend” relationships, it really meant the world to me to know that there were some reliable people in my life. That said, I still feel lonely at times. I don’t think that feeling just disappears after trauma, especially when relationships haven’t felt safe for most of my life. For me, loneliness isn’t just about being alone, it’s tied up in years of not feeling seen.

I don’t know the right answer, but I want you to know that what you’re feeling makes sense. Wanting someone to show up, to visit, to care in a meaningful way isn’t too much. You’re not wrong for needing that. I’ll also say that for me, volunteering helped a lot. Even just a few hours a week in an area I was interested in gave me some more 'human connection', and it turned out to be a very welcoming space. It didn’t solve everything, but it opened the door to meeting a few kind people along the way. 🙂