Learning to not overwhelm people

Hello @Silverlinin 💖

I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I totally empathise with what you have shared here. Sometimes I end up yappin' so much and I am like, "why are you still talking, AuntGlow?!" I completely understand that sometimes sharing can feel like an uncontrollable impulse... especially when you have a very fast or anxious brain.

How can we hold compassion for the part of you that really needs to be seen and heard in these moments? Because, if it's worth anything, I do get the sense you are being quite hard on yourself.

You are human, and you are doing your best.

It sounds like you would like to work on sitting with a thought or feeling for a bit longer before sharing with others (I know I have had to do this and sometimes it's really helpful). Maybe you could try it out and see what comes up for you? As an experiment of sorts? ☺️

Whatever you'd like to explore or work on, just know that we are here for you and not to judge you. 🫶

Hi @Silverlinin ,

Like @AuntGlow I think I can also join the club of sometimes talking/sharing too much without realising it until later 😅🤣. I am an infomous "essay writer" on posts here - but i *do* try to think about what I'm saying and why and how it is relevant -- feel free to tap me on the shoulder if I overshare too though! 😬

Counsellors sign up for hearing the worst of the worst. They also have support networks and peers for if they feel overwhelmed, its OK. I say this as a daughter of a psychologist 😊 I see behind the scenes. From what you said, i reckon you're probably being a bit hard on yourself by thinking its because of you. I reckon they've probably got a lot else going on too that has lead to their decision. 😊

When i approached a counsellor about their service, i was upfront with the topic(s) on my mind that i wanted to talk about because i knew they could be challenging and distressing. But they still said yes and it was ok. And to be honest, i've been so amazed and relieved at how open and honest i've been able to be about my thoughts - things i can tell anyone else due to fear of overwhelming and distressing them.

Honestly, i think @AuntGlow and the other peer workers here have had a bit of a load with me at times too 😅🤭 but they don't seem to have battered an eyelid behind their keyboards lol.

I love that here you can type something, reread before posting, and even edit after posting. 😎

The thoughts you're worried will overwhelm - are they things you'd like to be heard/listened to on? Are they things you'd like support for?

Sometimes there are ways we can word even the darkest of thoughts that make it less overwhelming for readers/listeners, but allow them enough knowledge and insight to help support us. 🥰

Thank you. It does sound that I am hard on myself. How do I have more compassion when my thoughts feel pretty valid. I played a part of it, let alone with other people. It sounds easier to say it to a friend, but to me it's like I know myself better that anyone, so it feels undeserving?

Hi @Silverlinin, nice to meet you here.

I have definitely had those concerns like you, you are not alone.

You have already met two awesome forum members on here which is pretty awesome!

@AuntGlow nicely said 🙏

@AlwaysMyself definitely summed it up well re health professionals and that they have their own supports 😊, I agree also the Sane peer support workers on the forum here are aaamazing! (Like ^ @AuntGlow 😎)

I don’t have anything more to add in writing as I feel like everything was covered 🙏, I’ll just attach some quotes 💜, take care @Silverlinin, thinking of you!

@Silverlinin if I'm ever not sure if my thoughts / self-criticisms are valid (or if i feel they *are* valid but am not able to process them helpfully myself) i try to find someone who either knows the situation or i can explain the situation to, and then tell them how I feel/see/think to get their "outsider" perspective.

I'm a classic at gaslighting myself over the issue of "do I not know I am being rude, and am in fact being rude?!" as an example. So if someone has said I was rude but I just cannot see how what I said was rude, I'll run the whole conversation past a trusted person and see what they say.

Often turns out I wasn't rude and its either that the other person was looking to pick something they could rebuke me for (workplace retaliation :face_with_rolling_eyes: for raising unrelated issues to a senior manager) or because they misunderstood what I said (which isn't my fault, but i can take into consideration for future wording).

Would you like to run through a scenario and some of your thoughts attached to them?

Also keep in mind your own intent -- even if in hindsight you do think you did something wrong (we ALL have regrets sometimes!), what was your INTENT at the time?

If it was good and not to hurt, then give yourself some compassion and care and allow yourself to "learn from mistakes" to grow. 🌱

Were you highly emotional at the time? If so, give yourself some compassion for the fact that it triggered something inside and again, learning to grow from that to help reduce it in the future is a positive outcome. 🥰

@Chasingsunsets is a great person here too 🥰. They're super supportive and encouraging, and a safe person from my interactions and observations.

@Silverlinin

I tend to say too much as well. I am a serious talker. Much worse as a child. I tend to overexplain everything so people think that I am micromanaging. I also share way too much personal information. It is really hard to be compassionate with myself. I am very hard on myself in fact. My psychologist is trying to get me to remember my inner child in these situations. She is like "would you treat a child that way? Why are you doing this to your inner child?" It is tricky to remember my inner child. I often replay conversations in my head ages after an encounter and beat myself up for what I have said. Rumination is definitely a problem.

@Oaktree i am loving seeing your posts around today 🥰. Not sure if weve just been on different threads mostlt for a bit and not crossed post paths as much lately. But i really like and value your inputs 🥰. And ive never felt you talk too much on here 🤗.

No one will be suprised to hear a primary school teacher called me "miss chatterbox" sometimes. 🥺😏

But the flip side - im a friendly, approachable person that tends to build rapport fairly quickly with people i meet. 🥰. And i reckon thats a good trait. I just give people permission to lovingly tell me to shut up when needed haha.

I feel like you are definitely being too hard on yourself! But I also get why that might be and why these thoughts are very real for you @Silverlinin. So I don't want to dismiss that at all. 🫶

Self-compassion is definitely a practice, but it's like a muscle, the more you work on it - the stronger it becomes!

We can work on this together, if you'd like?

Also... I want to point out that when you show up in your fullness, as yourself, the right people will be drawn to you. For example, you have attracted some of the most lovely, chatter-boxes on the forums with your thread... @AlwaysMyself @Chasingsunsets @Oaktree

And I think that's saying something. 😉

What does it mean to be self compassionate?

To me, it's to talk gently. Yet, what would you say to yourself if you think...but only I know myself better than anyone else. What I said to myself is true.

I also feel that to reduce overwhelming people, we got to create boundaries to ourselves, not just self compassion.

@Silverlinin i love your wisdom there 😍🥰.

For me, as a naturally caring person, i also think about "what would i say to a friend who was thinking/feeling like i am?" And try to turn that around to say to myself also, to be gentle and take into account that there are a lot of stressors impacting things and that its ok to make mistakes and learn from them.

I love that you mention boundaries also. 😊. Healthy boundaries are so important for keeping ourselves safe, respected, healthy and as you nailed it - not overwhelmed. Its so easy to accidently take on emotions or responsibilities that aren't ours to take on, and it can weight us down and feel out of control (because they are things we have no control over when theyre not "ours"!)

Aww thanks @AuntGlow 🥰. We are a lovely bunch of chatterboxes lol. The forum is full of lovely chatterboxes 😍. I hope you feel "at home" as much as you wish to @Silverlinin . If you ever just want a casual chitchat during the day or evening, the Fancy a cuppa , Connect now 2 chat and What has been your highlight today, no matter how big or small? Come share 🫶 I highly recommend. I know there are heaps others too, these are just the 2 i see the most 😊.