Working and my brain

Hi @K8e

Your situation sounds difficult and very frustrating! I've been in similar positions and even in one now with the idea of looking for a job. It's hard when you feel like you're ready to go, but that voice in your head continues to give all those doubts. Even though I understand it better now after working on it for the past year or so and know it's just emotional responses, I feel so frustrated that it still has this power over me. Some things that have helped me that may help you are to not see the days you don't go to work as a failure. Remember the days that you did go as successes. I've found that simple change helps me to be more positive and not get too down on myself. Otherwise I feel like i'm just putting too much pressure or expectations on myself... which just makes it harder. I also, in those moments where the fear is at its loudest is that I sit with it and try to think about the core reason. If I dig down, past all the usual noise, I can sometimes come up with one or two root causes and I can start to try to work on them.

And keep remembering that getting back to more work is a goal and you may need to take it slowly. Celebrate the wins and keep working towards it, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. It sounds like you've come so far in a short time, so just keep going one small step at a time. If this was easy, none of us would have these struggles.

You could also maybe try to think of things that may make going to work feel a little safer for you. Like breaking the day into small steps, or set of a little earlier and get a bit of a pre-work walk in... anything you think that may help.

Hi @K8e

Im glad to hear things are a little better for you.

With working I know it can be hard. I struggle some days with convincing myself to go. Sunday night was a really hard one for me but I have no sick leave left so I had to go.

I live on my own and have a mortgage. I have to work, I don’t have a choice. My job is considered full time but I work flat out for 5 days and then get 5 days off. If I don’t get those days off I don’t think I would cope.

For me I have a strict routine that I follow when I get up so I don’t really have time to think about it whether I can do it or not. I get up at 4:30 and I’m out the door at 5:30. It’s not easy especially with half my shifts being nightshift as well. I do find that when I get to work I have to focus and I find it a really good distraction but with my job I’m mostly on my own so I don’t have to really talk to anyone except on breaks. That makes things a little easier too.

One day a week is a start and is an achievement that I totally get. Is there a way that you could do one day, have a couple of and then do another day? That may give you a break in between and able to make it the next day? Less pressure on yourself to face it everyday? I honestly don’t think I could do it without the breaks I get. No way could I work a Monday to Friday job. My MH wouldn’t cope with that at all.

That’s just what works for me and everyone is different.

Thank you @Captain24 @MJG017

Both of your input has helped 🙂

Hi @K8e I can see myself in your post except without a partner. It is REALLY hard to break the wallowing/anxiety/paralysis loop and to some degree I am doing it now by writing on the forums instead of tending to hundreds of chores in my own life. Because, AAARGH I am paralysed by anxiety....!! Especially anxiety about my casual job vs trying to find a permanent part time job and get that sweet, sweet schedule within my reality.

One of the most powerful things I have done is to do meditations about:

-'work',

'returning to work',

'stopping the low income depression/anxiety/poverty trap',

'there is no point going to work as I will get seen as incompetent/worthless/will get sacked soon',

'I hate this place and prefer to be at home in my comfort zone'.

All of those topics which were the root cause of paralysing anxiety in my mind.

I frequently do reframing meditations where in my mind I explore those concepts and what I find to be the answer and the remedy is this:

Fear of rejection, fear of failure, low self worth = bad attitude to money, PTSD/foreshortened future..."I might as well remain unemployed or underemployed because nothing I do will stack up to change my life anyway".

So I have found it REALLY helpful to reframe thus;

* Going to work is an amazing opportunity to showcase my personality and skills which I have gained and used over 2 decades of being in the workforce.

* The world has changed, but when I keep up with going to work and society I can remain in touch with young people and the new way of life so it is less isolating and less irritating to me.

* Money in small quantities is not useful, but when I bring in extra money and save it the accumulated benefits and peace of mind from having savings is amazing.

* I acknowledge that my comfort zone is at home passing time and living dirt cheap, but I acknowledge MORE that when I have given up the comfort zone and made improvements to my quality of life such as new shoes (not second hand), nice clothing (not patchwork old clothing mashed together), buying stuff for my house that I like such as getting some lamps, and buying a pet lizard.

* I acknowledge that when I keep discipline to earn money, I can eat out a lot and as I love eating out this is a great incentive to earn and spend.

* I acknowledge that when I keep discipline to earn money and also cook at home, savings stacks up which is there for if/when I get sacked from a job and savings has proved very useful in the past.

* I love that I am respected more by myself and society when I have job.

* I appreciate that having coworkers, a routine and going outside regularly is actually good for my mental health even if it FEELS uncomfortable in advance or at the time, it feels better when there or on the way home.

* I refuse to let trauma/depression steal any more of my life than it already has, by showing up to extend myself in regards to having and keeping a job.

* When I earn superannuation, my fears about being old and physically incapable will be lessened as I will have more available super in the bank.

* I acknowledge that self sabotage is my greatest enemy and, the people who have abused me including myself "win" when I self sabotage. But, my true self "wins" when I extend myself to my best capabilities and I feel more competent, more worthy in life when I have a job which grows my self confidence and positive self image, but self loathing and sabotage is abuse and depression "winning" the battle for my life.

* Due to my own history of addiction, I know that staying sober is a challenge which is helped by having a job, and when I am sober and working I feel really proud of all the stuff I have overcome. When I don't work, when the temptation to use substances creeps in I feel ashamed of myself as I am then the abused and downtrodden person who is also the identity of my comfort zone.

*** I can only write things directly from my experience and thoughts so I dont mean for it to be all about me but for those above examples to hopefully inspire you to find your own meditative thoughts to help your mind accept the reality of staying employed. Cause when I read your post, I see that your heart desires to have the job and help out your overall situation, but the monkey mind of anxiety is throwing up sabotage ideas to you.

Thus it can be VERY hard to quiet the monkey mind and make the arms and legs work in a way which achieves our goals but I have found that looking back from the hardest days of my life, to current achievements is a good idea to identify WHY it's all worth doing.

Another thing is in real life I have been doing NLP, Neurolinguistic Programming with a practitioner. This modality has controversy around it but I find it far more effective than psychology, although I see a psychologist as well. The NLP has been doing deep changes to my language, formation of identity and perspective on myself and the outer world as my NLP practitioner CHALLENGES my ideas and then my subconscious accepts or denies her challenges. She does not let me go round on a negative loop, she effecitvely argues against my negativity until the basic idea changes, in my head, the basic idea goes from a complaint that has no resolution to an underlying concept which needs improvement or resolution.

It is very powerful stuff and I strongly recommend NLP as it has worked miracles in my life in about 3 months I have been doing it, and helped resolve a lot of issues most importantly helped me identify underlying negative concepts (limitations) and change then into opportunities of growth. (resolution).

Psychology, yes we talk about the problem and the therapist listens. Psychology helps me identify where I am stuck to take to NLP, NLP is helping me resolve the stuckness and I was cynical when I started NLP now I strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to improve their life.

@Sugarshack thank you for replying. I connect so much with what you’re saying.
I think I’ve been trying to do the reframing especially the night before work. But I nope out the morning of.

It’s become a pattern that I will especially be focusing on next year.
I also need to remind myself I’m no longer in survival mode anymore. I can now actively live/work/play with the supports I have in place.

GDay @K8e the survival mode thing is all too familiar to me, and this year after being very burnt out and tired I have had it recommended to me to take rest and leisure, to allow my brain to turn off and OUT of survival mode. I have been doing this in tiny steps such as just resting/sleeping during the day, purchasing a jelly fidget toy, and last week I bought a pet lizard which has been a fun distraction. It continually shocks me how survival mode, living on the edge has kept me "wired and tired" for over 10 years but when I am doing this new habit of resting and relaxing, I actually enjoy life a bit more.

So to relate back to what you were writing about, 6 months ago I was at my wits end at work, tired, angry, aggresive, depressed I just didn't want to be there and I took a sidestep from my regular job and explored other industries. What changed everything though, was introducing rest and relaxation into my life because I had this thought:

I am always angry at work because I work with "shit people" and I am bored of the job. I went and got bored in another industry, then realised that my constant "boredom" was fatigue, stress, neurodivergence and desparation about being at work. During my life of trauma recovery I have often thought "How can I be more like "normal" people and less like my abusive parents?"

So I had the observation that "most" people are well adjusted at work. That their life outside of work is happy/contented, and that they arrive to work fairly in control of the situation and their mood, around work.

What this told me was that I needed to take the same attitude and do meditations into my subconscious:

- I have been unemployed before and found new jobs.

- I am not a fundamentally unhappy person.

- Many OTHER people live with existential/financial stress/trauma and they aren't angry at work.

- That being quietly sad is preferable to being angry at work.

- What if I try to be more sad/angry outside work and try to be very happy at work.

- Being angry at work/trying to get sacked/sabotaging my success is a trauma response.

- Trauma has robbed everything from me including my dignity.

- Why am I letting anger/poverty/frustration sabotage my ability to get income?

- What if I reframe my self image to be "a person with significant trauma history who is decent to other people?"

- What if I make my main priority in life, is to be seen as and actually living as a decent person AT WORK?

- That IF I improve my attitude during "forced slavery" that my own life will improve?

- That in my life, escapism/addiction has been an intoxifying thing to pursue and in actual fact, ACCEPTING the reality of work and making adjustments to my life to make work better for myself and others, is the true problem of my life?

Those are some insights I have taken to fix my own attitude about work and to make it a better place to be for myself and others. It also comes down to another step in trauma recovery as, there is a relationship between "authority of work making me do stuff to survive" is the same energy as "authority of parents making me to stuff to survive"...my parents were so horrible that escapism was a survival tactic which ruined my schooling.

---> IF I continue the same survival tactic of escapism to work, I continually sabotage my adult independence. IF I identify escapism as a survival tactic which no longer serves me, THEN I am overcoming a trauma response which no longer serves me, and while I have no guidance nor leadership in the art of growing up, I can overcome yet another limitation of trauma and abuse, which is to live in financial poverty and an ongoing escapism.

I hope all of above isn't too much about me but I am trying to write quickly, I have a lot of real world things to do and I just say "KEEP FIGHTING FOR YOUR OWN FUTURE" because it's hard to keep fighting every day, but survival mode is a horrible, horrible place to be and having stepped out of it a bit I can say that true surviving is getting value out of going to work, out of being a functional person and getting paid for showing up, that then gives a further comfort in life to have money and to have something to do, as well.

Have a lovely day keep fighting for a quality of life, not just to stay alive....you deserve a quality of life free from whatever it was that other people tried to take away 🙂