TooManyAcronymsContributor
7 years into running my small business, and I've hit the wall again... another 3 months on medical leave and am exhausted / despairing (a little)
First time posting here (bare with me)
I’ve managed to keep a really strong “meaning” oriented and growth focused mindset with regards to being a self-employed freelancer over the years.
The business started as somewhat of a gentle protest to being deemed “unfit for work” by an employer and job service provider back in 2018 (after a long term pattern of gaining and losing more than 10 traditional jobs one after the other in durations totalling less than 90 days each - post leaving highschool).
I didn’t get into this with a “brave” or “ambitious” attitude, it was more of a quiet surrender to the fact I didn’t feel like I had really any other viable options. When seeking supports over the years, the feedback I get is usually that I function too well to really qualify for the sort of supports that are available to others, but I function too poorly to live up to the sort of reasonable expectations that apply to adults in my age bracket.
I’m proud of myself for not giving up (so many times…) for not surrendering or leaning in to a narrative of being so “disabled” or “mentally ill” that I’m incapable of trying. (Even though my mind visits there, I don’t stay there for long)…
I’ve no doubts I’ve done some really wholesome things by going down this path, but I had a bad year in 2024 and lost a lot of momentum, my client relationships broke down, I lost leads and eventually stalled. My external stressors and general mental health made it so hard to process information, read/comprehend, communicate clearly, calculate dates and $ and numbers… Coming back from it was a daunting challenge, but still felt more achievable than applying for more typical forms of employment so I tried and I’ve been back at it since Feb this year.
Fast forward to a few days ago, and I realised I was in need of stepping back again as the symptoms have reared up again - I made the call to take 3 months off (med cert on job seeker/centrelink payments whilst on leave) to try and get back on the right track again.
Not withstanding that I have (informal/unrecognised) care taking commitments, lots of drs appts and other lingering obligations… I really want to use this time wisely (perhaps even, differently to other times I’ve stepped back) to really set myself up for a more secure, steady, manageable (and hopefully) prosperous future.
I absolutely love what I do, but I’m also seriously overtaxed energy-wise and financially under-compensated for how hard I work in my business to make it “almost” work at the best of times. Keeping my equipment working, my car on the road and the cashflow steady enough to cover necessary subscriptions and insurances is a common challenge. I avoid being in debt - but I go without so much to pull it off.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m seeking from sharing this in here, but I absolutely promised myself that this time I would really extend myself to trying things that I haven’t tried before to strengthen my mental health and get back on track.
I feel like I could write an essay under each of the topic headers - but this one focused more on employment/education called me first as I strongly feel that if I can knuckle down and get these aspects of functioning and being an independent adult more stabilised, that as a natural consequence - many of my other challenges / stressors would be lessened or temporary eliminated.
Thanks for reading 🙏 (and for commenting if you choose to add your thoughts)
