Neurodivergence and burn out

I don't know how I would define being a "successful, functioning adult," @0ddsidian I only have the examples and the expectations set by my parents, and grandparents. They held down the same career for years...until they retired, brought their own house, had children, gone on holidays, brought new cars and participated socially on weekends.

I look at my work colleagues and constantly question why it's so hard for me, when it seems so easy for them. I know that's a generalisation and an assumption. I never feel like I have my ducks in a row at work - most of the time I can't keep up with the day to day changes, I'm dysregulated by my anxiety, or struggling because the classroom is too noisy, or sounds are competing against each other, and I get flooded and irritable when the kids fire ten questions to me at all at the same time. To me, other people seem to cope so much better than me at life.

My friend and I started at the gym about a month ago - I volunteered to help her get confident using the machines, and she now goes at 5 am every weekday and stays for an hour and pushes herself hard, and here I am struggling to get out of bed and get myself ready for work, let alone go to the gym.

I see these comparisons and feel like I'm failing.

My parents were definitely a huge factor in how I initially defined a "successful, functioning adult", @NightFury. I think a lot of us do or have viewed functioning and success as "the same career + owning a home + having kids + owning material things" combo. Society currently (and historically) has placed high value on productivity and making money, so we end up having these high expectations of ourselves to achieve those things. And then if we don't "achieve" them we can feel wrong or broken. This is a very neuronormative thing.

I reckon you're right about potentially making an assumption that others actually having things together. We're socialised to mask a lot of our struggles, even if we're neurotypical, so I would guess that a lot of the people who seem to be totally fine are also going through challenges. When we're in burnout things will always be harder than they would be if we weren't. I've heard a few people talk about how they feel as though they have regressed in their skills / abilities during and after burnout.

Comparing ourselves to others is obviously super common, and while we can know that it's not necessarily helpful, we sometimes can't help but do it to kind of gauge how we're going in life, particularly if we're so unsure of ourselves. I somewhat recently had to sit with myself and reflect on what I actual value and want in life. Because that might not (and doesn't really for me) align with what a large chunk of society says I should want. It doesn't have to be big questions like "What is my purpose in life?". One thing I know that I value is authenticity for example, so I'm aiming to do things in life that are authentic and have people in my life that show up authentically. Living a life that aligns with your values as opposed to values that others place on you might be helpful when it comes to re-analysing the expectations you have for yourself ♥️

I agree, the expectations around what a successful functioning adult looks and acts like is a cultural and societal kind of pressure @0ddsidian and it does - it makes me feel like I'm failing at life or that I'm broken.

A lot of people mask, a lot of people don't let others see their struggle and their challenges, so yeah, I think it's just an assumption. I think I can relate to feeling as if I've regressed a little. This year, I've struggled so much with my studies, and with my memory and with my ability to cope socially...and I feel like I've gone backwards in that regard. It's probably just because my brain is busy, overstimulated and exhausted.

I like the idea of sitting down and figuring out what my own values are and building a life that aligns with those and re-evaluating the expectations I put on myself for my life.

@NightFury, I believe we may share common interest - and you possibly have a story to tell. Please read my story, share yours on the forum and support the movement.

Things don't have to be this way... But we need to stick together and fight for what is right.

https://saneforums.org/t5/Advocating-for-change/Are-others-experiencing-quot-masked-quot-dismissals-...

@PsychosocialH I've read your thread, and my story doesn't fit at all, so I can't be of much help, I'm sorry.

Hi All,

I really appreciate this thread. Do any of you have advice for finding ways to rest when in ND burnout that don’t cause you to spiral more? I know I should take time off work but I know at the moment I don’t have capacity to make myself do even recovery-oriented activities without the external structure. So if I take time off I’ll likely get frozen in bed unable to get up. I know for some people that helps, for me it tends to add to the stress as I just lay there spiralling and feeling panicked. Sometimes an audiobook helps but a, it won’t keep my mind from spiralling for a whole day and b, right now even that’s feeling like too much sensory input. Last time, I asked a friend to come help but they got sick and had to bail. That wasn’t their fault and at the same time the impact on me was that it made things much worse than if I’d not asked for help. It’s made me really hesitant to even think about asking people (and I don’t think I know anyone who has capacity anyway). Continuing on at work when I can’t even do the simpler tasks that are part of my role feels like it’s not an option, but I’m not sure how to stop it triggering worse depression symptoms if I do take time off and am then alone with my thoughts and unable to do anything that might help.

My current plan is to try and take a day off where I let myself stay in bed, knowing that I’ll feel horribly anxious/paralysed but as an experiment to see how bad it actually gets (with a plan to call a crisis line if it gets really bad) then, if it’s at all tolerable, to give myself a few days of that and see if it gives me any capacity to get myself out of bed and do things that might help me recover a bit, like gentle exercise or spending time in nature. Would love to know if anyone else has faced a similar dilemma and found something that helped them cope mentally while being unable to do things.

@NightFury @AlwaysMyself @Captain24 @Jynx, no pressure on any of you to respond of course, but thought this might not get seen if I didn’t tag anyone. Feel free to tag others too (I would also tag Oddsidian but can’t for some reason).