Moving forward (sexual abuse )

hi @Former-Member

i hope your psych appointment goes well for you.. remember to take care of yourself esp afterwards.. go for a walk on the beach or something relaxing that you like to do 🙂

hi @BlueBay @Zoe7@Former-Member@Former-Member @Former-Member sorry this post was triggering for you. i should have put trigger warning in the title 😞 plz forgive me

i also suffer from severe GAD, severe PTSD ( from another event- a dog attack) and severe depression so it is very hard for me aswell. maybe i should start from the beginning and tell my whole story... would that help?

i havent disclosed it to anyone until now, i had it dealt with and then really shut it out but obviously its hard to just shut it out and you always seem to remember unfortunately.

my friends and family when i told them i was having mental health issues they told me to just get over it and growso i dont have any support except for the health professionals that i see.

im still embarrassed about what happened , i was scared then and i was stupid enough to let it happen 😞

@Zoe7 im glad you made your thread, ill take a look and even if i cant offer advice i cant offer you my full support 🙂

@Former-Member Share what you want to share - when you want to share it. There is no pressure here at all. Whether we know a small part of you or the whole you makes no difference! It is the YOU that we care about - and will support you with whatever you disclose. Just know that whatever you want to share, there will be many people here listening (even if they don't respond) and will be walking beside you.

Sending you hugs

Zoe

@Zoe7 i dont really know whether to share it or not but it might help for you to understand the situation at the same time....

ok ill tell you the bits that i can share with you at least for now until im brave enough anyway @Zoe7 @Former-Member@BlueBay@Former-Member@Former-Member

it all started when i was 16 when my mother got her new boyfriend. it didnt happen straight away during the relationship. he seemed really nice and caring and i never really had a father figure to look up to before so i was quite happy to just take on his advice etc just like a father- daughter relationship but after a while some true colours started to show and when my mu would go out, he would often say i coud stay at home with him and at first it was ok, i would just stay in my room and do what normal teenagers do ( study, listen to music, read a book etc) but one day that changed. he called me down to the lounge room ( we had upstairs bedrooms and bathroom and downstairs kitchen bathroom lounge room set up, so anyway he called me down to the lounge room and made me watch 'dirty' film clips and i said i didnt want to and he said well ill just tell your mother tat i caught you watching these when she gets home so i had to watch them, i tried not to watch them by just looking at the walls etc but i still had to stay there and i was too afraid to say something as why would people trust teenagers over an adult hey....

then one day he called me down again and made me watch it again but afterwards i had to get undressed and one thing after another. i was so afraid and again didnt want to say anything as why would they beleive a teenager over an adult. they would just think im lying. this happened a few more times and it killed me each and every time to know that i was allowing this to happen.

it finally ended when she left him through other factors (being violent) and now thats been dealt with but it still haunts me every day and i often worry whether itll happen to me again, or worse i now have younger sisters so i constanlty worry about it happenign to them.

it still haunts me everyday, and kills me just that little bit more inside each and every day. it makes me feel so ashamed, and dirty and like a complete dissapointment.

@Former-Member I am going to repeat what I said to you last night - BRAVE and COURAGEOUS

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about and you are NOT a disappointment. You are a remarkably resilient person and everything that happened to you was an absolute abuse of power and trust. NONE OF IT was your fault

You were put in an incredibly difficult position by those who are supposed to care about you. The feelings you have are very natural - it is so hard to process the whys and hows at any stage of your life - but being so young makes it even harder.

I completely understand that feeling of a small part of you being destroyed every day - it is so very, very difficult.

@Former-Member This is what I have to say to YOU - you are here, you are talking, you are sharing, and you are strong!!!! I cannot say that it gets any better because I have not experienced that yet - but what I can say is that with support you will learn ways to deal with it better - and some days it really does seem like you are just 'existing, holding on and getting through'. These are the days that you reach out for support - if it is here that you feel most comfortable then there will always be someone to listen and to hold your hand until you come out the other side.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE - what happened to you should have NEVER happened but there is light at the end of the tunnel - it may be far away in the distance but it is still there!

Holding you up, walking beside you and listening when you want to talk.

Zoe

i thought being 20 now id be grown up enough to handle it mentally but i guess not. it still gets to me all the time and makes me very uncomfortable even just thinking about it. it makes me feel very 'off' and i dont know what to do with myself most of the time. it makes me feel very 'dirty' and not worth living.

but thank thank @Zoe7 i really appreciate your kind words

@Former-Member it doesn't matter what age you are - the effects of trauma are still there! Your life MATTERS and it is worth living - even when you can't see that for yourself - I'll be here to remind you It is not an easy road and it is going to be so difficult to navigate all your thoughts and feelings but there are people that can help you. I think it was @Former-Member that suggested that you should tell your psychologist - this is entirely up to you, however they are trained to help you sort out what is going on for you. I have not myself actually 'verbalised' any of what happened to me - I can't get the words out. But I have written a few things and with some very good 'questioning' skills from my psychologist I have been able to telll her things by my responses - both yes/no answers or by my reactions.

I have had to stop my sessions temporarily because it was getting way too hard to keep reliving those experiences the break is actually doing me some good - I can now focus on taking baby steps to do just little things at a time and I feel this is a positive step in moving forward. I will need to revisit this all again soon but hopefully I will be in a better place (mentally and sleep wise) to deal with it a little better.

Only you know what is right for you but be assured that you have my support in whatever path you take - you will do what is right for you when you are ready to do it - and that is really important - In your own time and at your own pace. It's time for you to take back control of your own life and I believe that you can start 'living' again.

Sending you hugs

Zoe

thanks @Zoe7

i really appreciate the support even if cant see my life as worth living.

my psychologist kinda knows but not the full story as it was too hard for me to tell.

@Former-Member I totally get how you are feeling - I have been there for a long, long time but it has been the support of people on here that have held me up and given me the strength to keep going and now I will do that for you. I will keep telling you that there is light and that you matter and your life is worth living - and you deserve the opportunity to see that and be happy.

If you find it hard to talk about the 'full story' with your psychologist - try writing it down and giving it to them - doesn't have to be the 'whole' story at once - just a little bit at a time - even printing off what you have already wittien here would be a good start. Your psychologist will take it from there and help you put the pieces together.

If you are able to write this on a piece of paper and stick it somewhere that you will see it every day:

I do matter, I am brave, I am strong and I will get through this

Draw a little butterfly next to it so you know I am with you xxx