Depression reigning supreme yet again

Hey @CavingDreamer,

I can hear that things are not going well for you right now and that you are coping with another bout of depression. It is wonderful to hear that being able to write and share this with others helps to ease the pain a little bit and it is great that you feel safe to do that with this community here. I am sure the community will be along to provide you with some support soon!

I understand how intensely those feelings of hopelessness, suicidal ideation, self-loathing, and anxiety can sit when you are worried about your financial situation and the looming danger of ending up without money. It is a terrible feeling to sit with and one that is so unfair.

I hope your Union responds to you soon. Having some information around what is happening can really help to provide some comfort for those anxious thoughts that you carry. Sitting with the unknown can be a devastating thing and our minds can become so fixated on all the what if's that we find it hard to look beyond.

Do you have someone to talk to about this?

If the thoughts begin to feel too overwhelming, you can call any of the following services for immediate support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

If in immediate danger: 000

I wish you some sleep tonight!

Thank you for opening up and sharing this @CavingDreamer — that takes a lot of courage, especially when you’re feeling so weighed down. Depression can really distort things — it makes motivation feel impossible, and it can convince you that you’re incapable or that there’s no way forward. But the fact that you still find the strength to write, to reach out, to try to make a plan (even if it feels like you can’t act on it yet) — that says a lot about your resilience, even if you don’t feel it right now.

When I read your post right now it helped me also recognise what is happening for myself - I had no idea that I too am struggling. When you mentioned feeling “paralysed” at times — I’ve been there, and I know that even small actions can feel huge. Let's try to both be gentle with ourselves 😊. Doing one small thing, like making a call tomorrow or stepping outside for a few minutes, really does count. You deserve credit for every bit of effort you put in, even when it doesn’t feel like progress.

Keep writing if it helps — it’s a real act of strength and a way to keep yourself connected when depression tries to isolate you. Take things one small step at a time.

Thanks for sharing your struggles @CavingDreamer that was very brave if you.

I really hope you receive a favourable response from your union soon and that today is a brighter day for you.

Please feel free to share on here as often as is necessary if it helps.

@CavingDreamer

Thank you for sharing. That was a very vulnerable thing to do and took great strength and courage. I have been where you are now. I remember sitting on the side of my bed for ages trying to find the motivation to put my socks on. Every morning, I would get stuck on socks. Depression is a really difficult state to be in because everything is surrounded by a pit of blackness. It's really hard to get the energy to do anything. I used to sleep most of the time too. I would say it's helpful to just go outside and sit in the sun for 10 minutes per day. If that is all you can manage it is enough. It will help you reset your internal clock (circadian rhythm). You just have to get through depression. If you wait long enough eventually you will make it to the other side of the blackness and things will improve. I have been depressed for a very long time before, but I have now made it to better times. There is hope. Just don't give up.

Here we are at the end of day six of not leaving the house. Not even to go downstairs and recover something from under the house that I need.

I was asleep until about midday again, and then I ended up losing the rest of the day until seven at night, sitting in my armchair, dozing while listening to singing bowls. For some reason, I kept waking to find myself having to take a deep, sudden breath, maybe because I'm not on my sleep apnoea machine.

After that, I again tried to tackle a repair job on my Garmin Fish finder power cable, and using connectors and a heat gun reminded me yet again of high school and how useless and stupid I am when it comes to this sort of thing. Of course, when I was finished, it still doesn't work.

It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't highly intelligent and I was unable to do anything at all. The problem is that, in some way, I was so damaged as a young child that it has made me incapable of ever being good enough at anything. If I truly lacked the ability, that would be fine, but because I don't, it makes it worse.

I should be able to do many things and do them well, but they are all never quite good enough, at least not for the authorities that lord it over me, both those of the past and the present. It's somehow all part of why, wherever I go, I seem to create the same problems with the people I encounter.

It's also perhaps why I am so readily labelled treatment-resistant. Health professionals, for the most part, really do not like me or working with me. That has become abundantly clear. They don't like it when you question them, even if it's done in a polite manner, or at least what I believe is a polite manner.

Surely it should be their responsibility to help me better assert myself if they don’t like the way I’m doing so? After all, I'm the one that has the damage, not them, and yet, instead, I am constantly encountering endless gaslighting.

If mental health professionals don't want me to know what they really think, then perhaps they should do a better job of keeping their records secure, rather than leaving them on tables and machines when they leave the room. Of course I'm going to take a look. I'd be a fool not to, especially when you consider the struggle, I’ve had my entire life with trusting people and believing them.

I have this kind of ability you know, to pick up subconsciously on tiny little signals that inform me there's something not quite right here, that what this person's saying isn't really believable. That would be a gift if it were consistent, but it isn't, because I can get it just as wrong as I can get it right, and so it's really a curse. It means that I’m prevented from every being able to fully put my trust in anyone. Unfortunately, I'm not always able to access something that tells me the truth, and so I'm left, in many cases, uncertain.

In the past, I let people do a real number on me with that, getting me to doubt my reality, almost to the point where I thought I was going insane. But I made a decision decades ago to stop that. So now I have to live life on constant alert, always hypervigilant. Even so, I still get ambushed time and time again, having no idea that something is wrong until the attack comes.

It makes for a very difficult existence. I don't think that anyone is capable of understanding what it is that we suffer through, because they haven't experienced it. They seem to think that our depression is simply being very, very sad. It's far more than that. It's a lethal being within that devours everything. Against that our will is powerless, because it leaves us nothing to work with. We are utterly at its mercy, and all we can do is try to keep going, if we can that is, until we are released by death from natural causes, rather than choosing to hasten that end by our own hand.

It's incredibly painful to live feeling that you are useless, that you are human garbage, or at times even of less value than that. It's incredibly painful to live without any hope for the future.

Okay, so now I'm going to go and try and sleep. Eventually, the depression will pass. For how long, I have no idea. But maybe I'll have the chance to get some things done, before my entire life falls apart. Before I end up the total complete failure that pretty much every bully and every authority figure in my life has at one point or another, predicted would be the case. I used to be afraid of that happening, but now I just cannot bring myself to care anymore. If that's what I am, then that's what I am.

Thank you for the supportive responses. I’ll reply individually when able to do so. The only reason I’m posting this is because for the past three evenings I’ve been forcing myself to record what I’m feeling, thinking and believing. It's something I have never managed to be consistent with in the past. However, this seems to be going better than previous attempts have.

When the depression submerges for a while, I can never connect to what it was like, as though it had happened to an entirely different me. It’s the same when rises to engulf me once more, then I cannot imagine what it is like to be anything else but an afront to humanity.

Thus, I thought I’d remove the lifeforce from two birds at the same time - I discovered last night that the system will not allow you to use a certain word that begins with the letter “k” ... smile – by posting all or part of it in the forum as well.

Wednesday, November 12th, 12.47 AM

I've been doing better since approximately four o'clock yesterday afternoon. I was able to motivate myself to go downstairs and get the things I needed, and then return to working on the power cable for my fish finder.

Unfortunately I discovered that there's a problem with one of the connections, which now necessitates buying a replacement power cable. I just wish I had discovered that before I finished all the work joining the wires together. But at least I can buy a replacement, so that's a positive. And all being well, I should be able to collect it myself, so I don't have to pay postage.

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if things went smoothly. When trying to order it online to click and collect, the drop-down menu, of course, didn't work. So I've emailed them, and tomorrow I'll have to call to find out if they still have it, because I cannot complete my purchase online. I must admit I'm a little disappointed by the loss of time and money involved in the attempt to repair the cable, but I picked up a few new skills along the way, which I will need in order to attach the cable when I get it.

I'm a little unstable in recovery, because if my thoughts turn in the wrong direction, I immediately find myself assailed by depressive feelings and suicidal ideation. It's not possible to predict which random thought will cause this to occur, so you can't actively avoid it. However, for now, I am able to resist and push it aside, because I have a sense of, to some degree, strength to exercise my will. I don't expect that this will last forever. No doubt I'll slip back into my depression again, but hopefully it will last long enough for me to at least sell some things so that I can improve my financial position.

As for the union, still no reply, so tonight I crafted an email and sent that, indicating that if I haven't heard anything, I'll be calling them either this week or next. Just to put a little pressure on, I explained how I struggle now with interacting with people and making phone calls due to my increasing depression, etc., which is why I haven't called already. Not that I should have to, of course, but such is the nature of the beast.

Now I'm going to go and see if I can sleep, and then later today tackle some more things. My new strategy, if you will, is to convince myself to do things no matter how I feel, rather than waiting until I think I'm able to do them, even if it's just small steps like going outside to go to the shops and then turning around immediately and coming back inside. At least that's progress. Then perhaps making it to the bottom of the stairs next time. My theory is that if I can convince myself to do things even though I don't feel like doing them, then perhaps that will lead to the feeling that I do want to do them.

I guess we'll just have to see how that goes.

hey @CavingDreamer hearing you about have quickly thoughts can change directions, and i'm sorry to hear about the power cable - that must've been really frustrating!!

the new strategy you mentioned sounds like a great approach. i hope you're able to be kind and gentle with yourself as you give it a go - small progress is still progress, you got this! take care 💙

also wanted to share a quick tip - you can tag members using the @ symbol and typing out the username. when it's blue like this @CavingDreamer, it means the username tagged will be notified of your response 😊

@Eve7 @TeaPositive @Oaktree just tagging yall so you can see the updates from @CavingDreamer above 😊

@CavingDreamer

How are things going for you tonight? Thinking of you.

@CavingDreamer hey CavingDreamer i often wake up during the night around 2 so if you notice i am up i would love some company just tag me. I dont suffer from depression but my daughter has chronic depression and epilepsy and ptsd so i have a good idea of how it plays out. anyway i hope to catch up with you soon. bunniekins x

Morning to you @CavingDreamer - I took a "page from your book" and am planning to do things no matter how I feel, rather than waiting until I think I'm able to do them. Like you, I feel that is progress for me, and also knowing that sometimes even if motivation is lacking that I still need to get things done to help with my mind clutter. How have you been going with this? Anything you'd like to share?