@Sugarshack I hope you are very proud of yourself for getting out of such a destructive cycle. That is such a hard thing to do. I'm really sorry you have a brother who is a monster. That must have been hard to grow up in, on top of everything else.
My siblings all seem to know how to fit into the world and function. In the family, everyone seems to have a different role to help support keeping up appearances of perfection to the outside world. I have one sibling who went no contact with all of us years ago, who had an obvious dislike of me and would steal money from me, but was at least honest about the fact our family wasn't perfect. It feels like the rest of them live in a different world to me. I have one grandparent who was a monster, everyone else seems to be decent, just either fixated on control and/or denial.
I can relate to the horror movie feeling. I'm not sure if I have come to terms with the full story yet. It seems like just when I have it sorted in my head; more details and inconsistencies throw it out again.
It sounds like you are doing incredibly well. I love your values, priorities and your sense of identity.
I want to be able to stop replaying things from the past. I think I need to accept that things are permanent and can never get better. There is no family love in the future all I can strive for is a guarded respect. I need to shift hope in the family to hope for my own identity and health.
Thank you so much for sharing and for all your thoughtful insights.
