Day 10 alcohol free and my partner left me!

Hi @MG2879

It is so great that you have been able to reach out to the forum, community members are here to share with and support you. Big changes are always so tricky to adjust to, hopefully you have a soft pillow and either comfy blankets or a nice fan - depending on the weather - sometimes all of this can help us slide into a sleep. Tomorrow more people will be around to chat too.

Wishing you a calm sleep and a day tomorrow that shows you some sunshine 🙂

Mindee

@CalmOwl @Mindee was a really rough night. An I'm struggling this morning trying to stay strong and not message my ex. I miss him terribly still. My heart aches for him.

PTSD nightmares were so bad last night. My goal today was to try and get to the gym for the first time in months but I just can't move right now. I use to be a gym junkie and such a strong person. I wish I could find that strength in me again.

@MG2879 stay STRONG....mentally and physically. Picture your old gym days in your mind and then picture yourself older, wiser, going to the gym to reclaim your health.

Today there are two paths, you're at the hardest point of a sobriety journey...the "slide back down" point and I have been fighting smoking since June this year I have slid back down a few times myself but remained eyes on the prize to slowly reduce and eliminate smoking...."because I know that all the hard work I have done to get to this point of my life is worth trading in the filthy habit of smoking to gain better breathing, more money and more time to enjoy my life not be trapped in a predictable loop of addiction and craving..." thats what I keep telling myself......

Today you can get back in the gym and keep facing the pain, letting smash into you like a wave and tomorrow your head will be clearer and heart will still ache but be committed to your path....

Or ring the ex and get the booze and go back into the discomfort zone.

Its normal to take two steps forward and go one step back, dont bash yourself up if you do BUT the future is out there and it's hard at the early days of quitting but picture your life slowly getting back under control and keep trying 🙂

@Sugarshack such great advice, getting booze is definitely not on my mind I'm not going through those horrible withdrawals again. I'm challenged missing him and living alone again. I think I'll meet myself halfway and I'll take my dogs for a walk instead of the gym today. There a bit all over the shop with there routine being changed. Thankyou for watching out for me and giving me great advice. Congratulations on giving up smoking that's amazing. Watching friends giving up smoking looks like one of the most difficult addictions to give up. My hearts aching but I have a clearer mind now being 12 days sober.

@MG2879taking the dogs out sounds like a great idea, and fall in love with the dogs today so you get the pure love of a dog, without the drama of a partner attached....!! Feel how nice, and perhaps unusual it is to feel all the sensations more clearly....feel your nervous system alive without booze in it, feel your muscles juice out accumulated toxins, feel the stress hormones in your body get converted into waste material....true story, when we metabolise after stress the junk gets sifted out through sweat, urination etc but when we don't exercise it bloats us up and lingers around.

A personal story, my last relationship ended cause my ex was always in the pub, and I was over that lifestyle. We broke up just before Christmas and I missed him so much for nearly a year. But when I thought deep about it, I missed what he represented to me but I didn't actually miss him, very much due to his commitment to being at the pub and consuming alcohol always as a filter between his best self and what everyone else got. It was helpful to me to honour the good times but not allow myself to be dominated by the memory of the good times, and also to spend a lot of energy recalling all the bad times and assigning responsibility for those bad times to alcohol, to stupidity and to my own relative desparation of putting up with the alcohol in order to get the goods.

A lot of people will say, DONT think about the pain of the situation but for me, thinking about the pain, embarrassment, disappointment etc allowed me to think, I gave the relationship a good effort and he failed it every time. That I didn't really miss him, I missed the comfort of a reliable partner yet, it was his unreliability that i a) chose to put up with and b) also chose to remove the unreliable and disappointment factor from my life by sticking with the breakup.

7 years later he has not grown at all and he lives a stunted existence, sometimes he comes up on social media looking happy and carefree at the pub but I know that the same happy, carefree pubgoer comes home angry about his life and wakes up an angry, sour person who then goes and goes the same thing next week. A fake happiness on top of a real disatisfaction, spending all his money on the fake happiness.

7 years later, I have removed another addiction from my life and I have ironed out all my emotions and traumas so that when I feel dissatisfied, I just have a think about whats really going on then I can figure out what I need to do to get back to centred again.

And I know, that in the same time I could have thrown away my future for the comfort of staying with my ex or now, I can open doors that I never thought were obtainable to me.

So I wish you a great day and to have belief that today you are kicking two addictions:

You are kicking an addiction to alcohol and;

You are kicking an addiction to a person;

Tomorrow you will be 24 hours ahead of your goals 🙂

Yes you will ride an emotional rollercoaster.......but think of any other rollercoaster, it's a lot better when you land at the end, get an ice cream and think "wow I survived that crazy ride"....:)

@Sugarshack @It absolutely blows my mind that strangers like yourself take the time to help ease my pain giving me loads of lived experiences and advice. I never knew being on this forum would help me as much as it has. Instead of reaching for my phone to over share with family and friends that honestly have no idea about mental health I can focus my time on beautiful people who actually get me.

im starting to realise I have unhealthy attachments to toxic people. My ex, smoked drugs, drank heavily, had horrible mood swings, was obsessed with pawn, was forever asking me for money. Had absolutely nothing to show for 38 years of life. But always had some crazy insight into why it's good to have nothing. Not a cent in the bank to pay for his mobile phone habits, sore teeth he couldn't afford to fix. Quite happy to bludge of his partner. But the odd morning cuddles, having a presence in the house so I didn't feel alone were my excuses to stay in this unhealthy relationship. After 20 years of hard yards as a police officer I have always taken pride in the fact I was able to support myself, pay my bills, get my health looked at when needed. It hasn't been an easy ride, but I do know I need to work hard to get through these emotions cause I'd rather be alone then in an unhealthy dependant relationship. I can buy myself flowers!!!!

You're an absolute blessing and thanks for sharing your journey and time with me.

@MG2879 You are doing so well - you are a real trooper! I reckon taking the dogs for a walk is a fantastic idea and compromise. I reckon the dogs will agree too! 😛

If you feel comfortable to share, I'd love to see a photo of your dog(s) and/or what breed they are. 😍 I am an animal-lover. I have a borzoi and a borzoi-cross myself.

@Sugarshack I love reading the advice you have given, and your story. Your story is an encouraging inspiration. 😍. You are also a proven trooper in your journey.

@MG2879 Not having people around you who are understanding, caring and genuinely safe can make it much more difficult for sure. I'm glad people here can help fill that void in connection and advice and understanding. 😍

I wonder what traits would you picture in your "ideal friend"? Or "ideal partner"?
(These may be things you miss about the 'good' times spend with your ex. I am wondering if thinking about this might help you define what you need/want in a true, healthy friendship/relationship and then set you on a path of where/how to meet people to see if you can develop some solid healthy relationships that can also be supportive face-to-face? Totally easier said than done! I am always on the lookout for people I meet face-to-face that I 'click' with and would be solid two-way healthy friends, but only once in a blue moon meet someone where it is mutual).

@AlwaysMyself @Sugarshack

@CalmOwl @Mindee @Shaz51

I was doing so well this morning but as the day has crept on my body has frozen and I've become overwhelmed with emotion. I can't work and I just get so lonely. I don't want to go to the beach on my own or take the dogs for a walk on my own. Besides I've been crying my eyes out and just need to try and relax.

Hey there @MG2879 , it sounds like the shock of realisation has hit you, and this has been a massive change in the period of "less than two weeks"...

Maybe today isn't the day to start pushing yourself through the grief zone but it is a day to lean into "whatever it takes to get though the day without breaking the new rules"...new rules being 1) not going back to drinking and, anything else you have set for yourself.

MAybe today is a day to indulge in self care, waste/invest money in comfortable things such as getting a massage or an escapist pursuit....lie in bed watching TV, whatever it actually takes to 'self parent' your way through a really hard time on every level.

You mentioned your job as well, that's a tough gig on the best days from my understanding and I would like to thank you and all in the force for the important work that is done in peoples hardest moments.

Is there possibly an employee assistance programme to help support you through a big life change, as well as all the other supports which help through these moments and days, phone counselling is beyond valuable in my life it helps to break the cycle of despair when it flares up. Which is less and less over a journey of 15 years but it still crops up in my world and when family and friends are quite content living their half lives, it can be very isolating, very lonely and very confronting to realise you're trying to do better, and they're trying to take you backward. I don't really have an answer for that level of loss but I tell myself "I wanted and needed to evolve into a more complex society so that i could survive and I feel sad that the others didn't want to, their lives are different to mine and my life demanded that I had to change in these ways which I started, finished and still are going through some of those changes..."

Hi @MG2879 , *safe friendly hugs*. I don't think I have anything in terms of advice onto what @Sugarshack said above (wow, I loved those words and agree it is totally OK to be patient with yourself and take the adjustments slowly and give yourself grace and compassion). But I also just wanted you to know I read, I hear you, and I care.

I will be away from tomorrow for almost 3 weeks - please do not take my absence as lack of care or support. I will be overseas and thus unable to use the forums.

I'll be hanging out to see "xx days" upon my return. Today is Day 11 yeah (Monday)? I think it will be "28 Days alcohol free" when I return. 😍