Living with a disability

I’m really not sure where to start or if I’m posting in the correct forum.
I really don’t want to get into things entirely but long story short I have a disability that only gets worse. The deterioration is something I’m really struggling with. I’ve got so much else stressing me out on top of it and I’m really struggling.
I want to go back in time when my disability wasn’t so bad and I had a life. Before all this other stuff.
I’m having really bad thoughts but I’m also afraid of judgement day if that is how I go. I know not everyone has religious beliefs and that’s okay. I believe that I’m being tested and that it’s because god wants me to be a good person, but at the moment it just feels like there’s so much bad happening and I really don’t know how to get through it.
I tried reaching out to friends and they assumed I wanted them to come and help me with something physical. I just wanted to talk but it made me realise how much of a burden I and my disability are on them and I feel awful.

edit: I just realised I can edit posts.
I had a read through the recovery focused posting and realised my wording in my post wasn’t the best.

I am safe. I’m just dealing with a lot of thoughts and then conflicting ones.
I’m nervous to talk specifics because I know religion and mental health can be a difficult topic.
I’d really like to hear from anyone who struggles with their mh and practices religion. Also anyone living with a disability. What helps you keep going?