Connection

@Magpie22

I have the same problems. I often feel lonely. I have two friends but they are really busy and don't often have time for me. I feel like it's always me reaching out for connection too. I don't know how to make friends as an adult. I am lucky that my hubby is now retired so we spend a lot of time together.

Hello @Magpie22 This really resonates with me. That distinction you're making between alone and lonely lands for me also - you're noticing something significant there....

I had to find connection with myself deeply before it fully came back to me through others. Without that internal connection, I found myself doing seeking behaviours to fill what felt like a void - alcohol, relationships that were toxic or fleeting because I didn't have the relationship I needed with myself first.

What you're describing about always being the one reaching out -yep.... here's something I've learned ~ try if it feels good for you...

What's wrong with asking for what you want within a friendship and allowing that person to respond, or not?

That's actually clarity, better communication. You're being honest about what you'd like, and you're giving your friends the space to show up how they can.

Their response (or lack of one) gives you information, but it doesn't mean you were wrong to reach out.

The loneliness you're feeling, even when surrounded by people - that's your system telling you something important. For me, it was often signaling that the connections around me weren't quite meeting what I actually needed, or that I was still disconnected from myself even in company.

Does any of this land for you?

@Magpie22, I used to struggle to make connections, but I’ve learned to enjoy my own company, spend time with my dog, and get involved in volunteer work where I’ve met people with similar interests. Lately, I’ve also joined a Facebook social group that gets together for in-person catch-ups.

If you’re the only one trying to keep a relationship going while others make little effort to reach out, it might be worth thinking about whether those connections are really serving you.

I've really struggled with this in the past, @Magpie22. When you're a kid you're around others at school, so it feels easier to make friends. I felt like that at uni as well. I've felt that in workplaces too, but when I stop working somewhere it's SO much harder to maintain those friendships.

I've made friends online, and in some online spaces I've been able to translate those friendships into F2F / "real-world" friendships. I usually make friends with people with similar interests, values and life experiences to me. The connections start off "surface level", which is still a valid form of connection on its own, but sometimes I can build upon things that start pretty light.

I definitely relate to @BecomingOkay! If something feels REALLY one sided, I sometimes have to let that relationship go and just appreciate it for what it was at the time.

@0ddsidian @BecomingOkay @ccau_82 @Oaktree

Thanks for your responses. It does resonate. Especially about finding things I enjoy first and then making connections through common interests.

@Magpie22 since learning about rejection sensitivity I realised that when I felt my friends were avoiding me it turned out it was just my perception of things. I was waiting for friends to reach out to me, but when I reached out to them they hadn’t reached out to me because they were super busy at work or had a sick family member or were really stressed and didn’t want to put that on me! When friend groups are a bit neurospicy or any kind of mental illness is involved we can all get a bit sensitive and perceive things differently. But when we end up in the same place we find out we’re ALL struggling! Haha!

Regarding meeting new friends, I find that can happen in any social setting. We just have to get to the point where we make the effort to go to new places and talk to people we don’t know. My barrier in the past was me making excuses not to do those things.

Forcing myself to try new things and stop being so worried was step 1.

I still have my moody days where I’ll sit at home and sulk about feeling alone and lonely, don’t get me wrong. I don’t always get it right.

@Magpie22 @BecomingOkay @Azalea @0ddsidian @ccau_82

Hi everyone,

You guys all make good points. I think I just need to put myself out there more and do more social things. Maybe it's as easy as going to a cafe and actually saying hi to people. I have been ringing my friend a bit more often and trying not to worry that it's always me reaching out. I have come to terms with the fact that she is very busy and usually so tired. I try to fit in with her schedule and ring her when she is in the car on the way to or from somewhere because that is when she has time. I do have rejection sensitivity because I have suffered a lot of abandonment in my life and I guess my schemas are getting in the way somewhat. I think sometimes it's worth trying to look at things in a different light or from someone else's perspective.

I love the amount of reflection you've been doing, @Oaktree. I also have an abandonment schema. I also have a pretty strong "unrelenting standards" schema, so I know I often put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and this also reflects in my relationships and ability to connect. I experience pretty intense rejection sensitivity at times too, like you @Azalea.

@Magpie22 What are some things that you enjoy doing or some things you're interested in? I often find it SO hard to answer that question, particularly when my mental health is bad. Suddenly I've forgotten everything that I've ever enjoyed 😂

@0ddsidian ahhh yes those unrelenting standards…

They are probably why its easy for me to tell others to be kind to themselves but when it comes to taking my own advice its not that easy!

@Azalea Story of my life. Self-compassion can be very difficult when you feel you've got to reach those super high expectations, and when your self-worth is linked to them.