CavingDreamerSenior Contributor
Haunted by depression
I don't know about you, obviously each experience is unique, but for me depression haunts me. Without rhyme or reason it comes and goes seemingly at will.
TW: Suicide ideation
On the Friday, for the first time in a long time, I went out to stump palm trees. Damn, am I out of shape. I used to go all day, reluctantly taking breaks. I'd work until there wasn't enough light left to see and sometimes beyond. By the time I called it a day, you would swear I was drunk as I couldn't walk a straight line. But now I longed for my breaks. I set a timer for 30 minutes, rested (collapsed) for 10 minutes. Originally, it was 15 minute breaks but some of the old spirit must still be there, because I couldn't hack that long laying on that wonderfully cool concreate.
Seven hours later, spud-bar 1 palm tree stump 0. Too heavy to get out of the hole, even after I cut it down as much possible without getting into the dirt - instantly blunt chainsaw if you do. Cut up a large palm tree trunk I'd already stumped before and a palm crown. Then, as a help to the nice lady I'm doing the work for - she has an autistic son - I cut down a large tree that was dead and dangerous.
By the time I loaded 80% of it into the Ute tray the sun was well and truly out for the night. I was exhausted. Trembling as I had been at different times during the day. But I was pleased by the work I'd done and the fact that my mental and physical reliance are still there waiting to be tapped as needed.
I share all this for one reason, to point out how for some of us depression cannot be connected to external events. Nothing is better in my life compared to when I was deeply depressed and now. It has to be internal, some type of chemical imbalance perhaps.
When I go through a minor mania - Bipolar 2s don't have that crazy high that Bipolar 1s tend to experience - or now when I am calm, I search inside myself and I cannot locate my depression or desire to go dance with the angels. This is the first time I'm aware enough to watch to see if there are any signs of their return. For example, today I've had more intrusive thoughts to push away than in the past few days. I think I don't feel quite as solid inside which may indicate a weakening of the foundations.
Whether my depression and its beloved is always there, waiting in the depths beyond my reach, or they only exist for a set period of time, they never fail to return no matter how good I might feel. The longest period without them was about three months. It was amazing! Got so much done. Exercise everyday. [edited by moderator]. Went to Thailand for three weeks and actually took yoga classes everyday - then forgot every single move when I returned...sigh.
The day I was due to fly home, an hour before I was due to board the plane, I had a nervous breakdown. Getting on the plane was touch and go to say the least. My guess was that because the extended holiday I'd had from work was ending and I was returning to a toxic work environment, my mind was doing everything it could to prevent that happening.
This week I started weaning myself off of one of my drugs. [edited by moderator] The drug is possibly doing me more bad than good. On October 8th, I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist to ask him to refer me for ECT. After more research I'm feeling more and more positive about it and looking forward to the experience. I'll share about my experience with it in the forum. If it fails, I guess the next step is going overseas where you can get legally try the type of mushrooms that you rarely ever see on a pizza.
It must be a year or more since I listened to music. Over the last week I've returned to listening to Latin songs - I adore the sound of Spanish, don't understand a word of it but it seems to call to my soul. If reincarnation was a thing I'd want to come back as a kind of Ricky Martin only straight - damn I wish I could dance. He's amazing.
Until my next meandering diatribe, or intense depression,
Hasta luego,
CD
