cPTSD managing partners cPTSD

Hey all,

I'm just touching base to talk about something that's been happening and I realised I need some support around.

Both my partner and I have cPTSD and theirs is severe enough it has resulted in significant social and life disruptions. They've made it pretty clear I'm the only person they feel they can disclose everything with, and it puts me in a position where I'm their only emotional outlet at times. Including when my behaviour is the thing causing grief/triggering them (you can imagine how productive those conversations are when we're both activated...).

They have trouble adapting their language to be able to speak to professionals about their issues, while also feeling emotionally safe, it's something I've gently encouraged working around, because it's really important they do get support with some things.

I ended up supporting them through a PTSD episode last night, on the evening of my birthday, because I had asked them to slow down with some sexual intimacy (they fully supported the boundary, to be clear), however this brought some stuff up surrounding rejection, which we attempted discussion around, and that emotional response then further spiralled into guilt and shame and just, kept going until they were fully unresponsive and I had to switch into care mode.

They were somewhere where I wasn't, completely unrelated to the discussion, and they're still stuck there a day later.

How do you look after yourself, and your emotional needs, in these kinds of situations, where someones having a legit health episode, and can't be reasoned with logically, and you're the only person they will talk to about it.

They keep apologising and self-flagellating and all I want them to do is acknowledge that maybe it wasn't the time and place to go deep into trauma discussions on my birthday. I wasn't interested in punishing them for it, I wasn't asking for them to apologise endlessly for it. Simple acknowledgement and, oh you're right this wasn't the right time. I'm sorry.

So, it kinda did make things worse. It was a self fulfilling prophecy and I can't just tell them that. I can't say 'hey i know you're already worried your trauma made things worse but it kinda made me miserable on a day where I was already feeling miserable because no one really showed up for me except you' that's not for them, that's my stuff.

I just wanted them to feel safe and seen. now I just have to wait out their rebound cycle for a day or two until I can get any closure on it, and I just feel utterly unprepared to support them, especially when this happened in response to my own needs.

I felt unheard, like things weren't about me at all, like my needs were just secondary to what was happening in their mind. I know they can't control it, i know it wasn't voluntary. That's why i'm coming here. Not to them.

I don't know what to do, when expressing boundaries, expressing that they've made a mistake, or said something that hurt me, in a reasonable, non-blaming way, end up costing me days of emotional labour.

I love them so much. And I don't have the skills or resources to support them in the ways they need. I don't know what to do with that.