LostbookwormContributor
I hate the nightmares
Hi,
So my brother died last year by suicide. We were best friends, and it still isn't really *real* in an emotional sense that he's gone. Logically I know, but emotionally, he's just Elsewhere, but in a very non-religious way. He's away on holidays, or at work, or just Somewhere Else.
Anyway, I frequently dream about him, just as I frequently dream about other family and friends. However, sometimes I have nightmares where he's died. And these are the worst, because they're fundamentally not nightmares. I can wake up and know that no, what I dreamt isn't how he died - but he still died. That isn't a nightmare I can wake up from, but for that split-second upon waking, I have to go through that process of returning to reality, realising it was just a dream, but then remembering that the worst part of it *wasn't* just a dream. It's like dreaming that you're falling, waking up and realising it was just a dream that you were falling, but being in the process of falling out of bed.
Talking to my parents doesn't help - they mean well, but they're also still mourning his loss, and they became overly protective the last time I mentioned nightmares in general, so I just tell them I sleep fine now.
I just hate being alone with it, and on the days after the nightmares, his loss is Real again. It hurts, and there's no solution. Nothing will fix it. It just hurts.
I miss him.
