Just need to rant

Hiya, this is my first post, I don’t really know why I’m making it but I really feel like I just need to rant and it would make me feel a little bit better.

I’ve got a couple things bothering me but firstly I guess I’ve not really felt a proper emotion to its fullest extent in a while. I was a super emotional teenager, I would have super disproportionate reactions to everything but as of recently I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt anything or remember what it even feels like. If someone asked me what it felt like to be happy or sad I wouldn’t be able to tell them because i genuinely don’t know. I haven’t cried in so long and sometimes I really want to because I feel like it would be such a release but I just can’t, I don’t have any tears. I just feel both so emotion and so emotionally numb at the same time and it’s exhausting. I can’t really talk to anyone about it because I can’t describe it and I also don’t think anyone I know would understand. It’s not like I’m a sad person, everyone thinks I’m so happy and energetic and I almost trick myself into thinking that too but as soon as I’m alone I know that’s not true.

on another note, my parents separated early this year and they have each been talking to me about it for years. I’m an adult but I still live with them because the housing market is shit and because of this they still live together too. My dad is an absolute angel and he has been looking after the house and spending time with me but my mum on the other hand who used to be my best friend is dating someone my age now and I can’t even look her in the eye anymore. She disgusts me I’m so disappointed in her. I used to tell her everything and now she sleeps in the room next to me and I talk to her maybe once a week. She’s so emotional, bitchy and so unaware of the fact that I’m actually her daughter and not someone to be her friend. She’s always treated me as more of a friend than a daughter and it used to be fun but sometimes I just really want a mum and I don’t have that.

I also think there’s something wrong with me in the sense of potentially autism or adhd. I meet all the criteria for both and without the subject even being brought up people have asked me if I am both or one or the other. I’m a very extroverted person but I do have autistic traits and it runs in my family, my brother being diagnosed with autism when he was young. I struggle so much with my attention and bed rotting, especially with my university work and my school work, I feel like being medicated if I were adhd could help me immensely however getting diagnosed is so expensive and I worry so much that if I were to try to get diagnosed that they would just tell me it’s just my personality and that I’m crazy for thinking I was and then I’ve just waisted thousands of dollars to be told I’m just a little nuts.

i want to seek therapy to get my emotions back in check but that’s so expensive as well, I’m a student with a casual job and I can’t ask my parents for help because they would think I’m fine and don’t need to waste money. I don’t even know if it would help because the last time I saw a psychologist they told me the reason why I wasn’t eating and was always tired was because I needed to take multivitamins and I had a massive crash out over it.

thanks for coming to my ted talk