Running out of rope to cling on with...

Hi everyone,

I can't remember the last time I opened up like this, but in finding it more increasingly difficult each day to carry on anymore.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia officially more than 10 years ago without realising that I had been living with it since childhood. Mainly audio hallucinations, with visual hallucinations occuring when my anxiety or heart rate is constantly high. While I can't blame the condition for the mistakes and problems I have caused over the many years, it certainly has been there for every moment. The impulsivity, the bad decisions, addictions, recurring habits, the disorganisation of everything, etc, etc, it goes on. I have been the best of good and the worst of all in my time. With all the moments that shaped how I am, I can't help but think about how many times I cried for help, but no one wanted to listen well enough or properly.

I have my parents, my brother's, a son and the mother of my child. But in reality, I can't talk to them. My parents want to blame the way I am on anything else but how I wasn't raised. My son and the mother of his child have seperated connection with me after being blamed for the way things are for them, when I have done nothing but constantly put them before myself. I have broken myself in many ways, tried to fix and mend, relearn my ways and in the end still being a pariah of the family.

I have tried to speak up when I tell everyone what's happening with my condition but all conversations end the same way. Blame, generalising or minimising like everyone is going through it, "I don't know how to fix it", or just making out like its just me being a baby who can't handle anything.

I have no one to talk to properly, my life story is not pretty by any means, I have owned my mistakes, fixed what I could but it seems either life or people around me just want me to shut up or remind me of my failures. The only thing I ever wanted from my so called support was an ear to listen or just a hug, a simple hug.

I'm at an age now where it gets difficult to make friends, not to mention my life does not leave space to make proper connections. My last relationship was less than three months and I ended it by ghosting because I was too ashamed to admit that I couldn't commit properly because of how much I had to still help my ex partner. I think that was the start of my mental downfall as I became more introverted, more nihilistic, skipping med times, excuses, excuses. Three years since and I'm still reminding myself that I'm just the maker of my own demise, but if I don't my ex will, if not my parents will remind me. I can't remember at any time another good word, a sympathetic thought, or something just positive was said to me from those I love around me.

I can't take being alone with my thoughts, I know this sounds like incoherent un-contextualised ranting, I find it difficult to put things in the correct way to properly explain myself. There is just too much and I am drowning in my own head. I hate that when everyone is upset, angry or stressed, that I end up pushing my thoughts, feelings and emotions aside to listen and show empathy. Why can't that be the same for me?

I get told I'm being aggressive, angry, upset, but never asked "is everything alright? Do you need to talk about anything?". When I say my feelings, I'm told to shut up and just be happy, literally. When I'm visibly lethargic from meds, work, or helping my ex the previous day, I get told I don't have a right to act or be tired.

I don't know what to do except keep on doing this in order to help get it out of my head. I apologise if what is said here just sounds like one big whinge. I just can't keep going on waking up everyday knowing that whatever voices I talk with upstairs, and there's a few up there, are the only ones listening and trying to comfort me, that dangerous for schizophrenics. This is why I'm afraid and finding it hard to keep going on.

Everything is attacking, nothing is comforting, and I feel like there are only two possible certainties for me: I keep going living and reminded that no matter what I do, it doesn't mean jack squat because I am the sum of my mistakes. Or I finally get that long uninterrupted sleep I keep asking for.

Gonna go now... Thank you for listening.