Trying to figure myself out

@Kris_stars1 im not qualified give proffesional advice i have been given a fair bit og it last few years yjough after a work incident and a company that always said i had a job for life turned on me by means of blame and gaslighting.

i relate to your post and the reason you feel betrayed is because seems like you were.

and that sucks, and its going to Jurt anybody that has it happen, we all different and take different timeframes and respond to different methods to recover.

try not worry about how long it takes or use other times as a measure,

i have had 0 work capacity for 2 years and worked my whole life till thati day and understand associating self-worth to work its a bad thought process and took me over a year to learn validation isnt just pacifying.

giving so much of yourself and being turned on creates space to think its our flaw when it isny.

if you are able to stay off work financially then its the best time to learn skills of coping and heal at same time.

i hope your able to see your worth and not let the shitness of others bad form be how you see yousrlf.

people are doing to respond to your post in the morning if not earlier with genuine support and lived experiences.

please be ok, for you no one else you wont feel so alone by tommorrow afternoon im sure.

takes courage to post

be safe!

Hi @REDLINEZ750 Thank you so much for responding it means a lot.

I'll try not to worry about how long it takes me to get better since of course everyone is different and we have all been through different things.

I've been trying to work towards my art business plan again but it's been hard having the motivation to keep it up but anytime I show people my art I receive a lot of postive feedback so perhaps I need to get out of my head and just enjoying making art like I used to so maybe one day it can become something that can earn me some money.

Money wise things are okay I mostly focus on paying for my therapy appointments since I did wait 4months to see her and even from the first session I had with her she helped me a lot so I know I need to keep it up.

Hoping I can try to see things in a better light soon and to try not to focus so much on what I'm not doing and also comparing myself to others.

Again thank you for replying I wish you the best and a good morning~

@Kris_stars1 most wellcome, do you know of care plans?

gp can give you a number of psychologist sessions government fundedif you werent aware

self compassion is more powerful than it sounds and believing little of ourselves causes us to see things through a negative lens, possible if your giving yourself a hard time then anything you create is going to be critisized by yourself, your art could be best youve done and you not allow yourself to see it, hard get motivated do somethiing when lens is negative,,,, maybe why everyone has positive feedback for your work and even if you get some negative its only one opinion what type of art if you dont mind saying?

is it digital or more conventional?

I have a care plan but it doesn't help with the cost that comes with the therapist I'm seeing it's $240 per fortnight to see her.

Sadly I've always had a negitive lens and I've been told I'm very hard on myself when it comes it doing anything which is why I'm working with my therapist to see things in a more positive way but it's hard to change the thinking I've had since I was basically a kid.

I create digital art hoping to sell designs on online stores like redbubble so my designs can be printed without the extra worry and all I'd need to do is just focus on the design side but I'm still thinking of other things to do as well since I like to write I always think about writing my own visual novels.

@Kris_stars1 , I agree with both you and @REDLINEZ750 re: everyone having their own timeframes for recovery and healing. Its OK if you take longer than other, and its OK if you recover quicker too. Its also OK if you feel that you have recovered for awhile but then have another cycle and need to take time again to recover again. 🥰

I personally love your idea of taking time to heal (given you financially can) and also do art for the enjoyment of it -- and maybe (but no pressure) you can later earn money from it. In the mean time, your art may even be part of your recovery and healing process through either/both expression or just enjoyment activity (self care).

The year i had without working (well, mostly not working) was the healthiest year i have had in my memorable life. I have decided next time I get reallt bad again, I will do it again for sure. That was a hard thing for me to accept to do, but with discussion with others I was able to come to accept that yes it truly is the best option for *me* next time.

I hope you can talk about the options with your doctor and/or therapist, and come to whatever you feel is the right choice for you. 🥰

Would part-time work be an option to consider?

Hey @AlwaysMyself thanks for responding and for your reply yeah your right everyone takes there own time to heal I've been thinking lately and I think most of it is because I've never actually taken the time to fully heal and address what truama has done to my mind I was told my mental is very fragile and that I always need to be careful.

I did think about part time but at the moment I can't handle anything too well I cry everyday, I don't sleep, sometimes I don't eat and spend most of my time thinking and regretting the past...and always asking myself Why? why was I always the one treated differently? why was everything put onto me to deal with? why? it's become a real loop lately and it's starting to bother me a lot more daily I plan to talk to my therapist about it when I see her this week.

Glad you are able to have time without work pressure then, @Kris_stars1 . Definitely helps to have the time to process and not the pressure of work if you are not coping generally as you note. Just take it day by day by day then week by week and see where you end up. Life is not a race, and there is also no set path.

I think those "why" questions are really good ones to discuss with you psych. 🙂 I am curious as to what your thoughts are re: answers.

To me, there are the "emotional answers" - which tend to be negative, blame, etc "because im not worth it" or "because they don't care about me" or "because I deserve it", or "I'm not cut out for life", or "no one understands how i see things, my mind is broken" (Thankfully I don't believe these things any more and my brain doesnt usually even try to tell them to me).

Then, there are the "rationalised answers" - which can sometimes help frame a more realistic picture, but sometimes can also be too understanding and almost making excuses. E.g. "they're so busy with their own stress; they don't really mean what they said" or "they're not coping themselves, and they are reacting out of their emotions" or "they don't have the same values as I do, so their actions and priorities are different".

I was brought up to always consider from the other persons perspective and what might be influencing their behaviours too. But understanding it does not mean permitting or excusing it - and i think that is an important distinction. Understanding it helps me plan how I will respond, to try to get the best outcome.