HopesmumContributor
Stuck in a rut
Hi. I have just joined this group after reading about BPD. Previously I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist mentioned BPD group therapy might be useful, but........... any kind of group activity is extremely anxiety provoking for me and if I am expected to speak and interact...... ??????
My brief history is... I'm the youngest of 4. Was an extremely shy child who saw everything but spoke and interacted little. I was a rule follower and peacekeeper. My Dad worked long hours and was strict. My mother was quiet and indifferent alot of yhe time. I was sexually abused by both of my brothers, a cousin and a family friend's son between the ages of 4ish to 11. It is still a secret from my Dad. My sister and Mother know, but they like to bury their heads in the sand. Me...... I still desperately need the illusion of a happy family to cope with my thoughts and feelings.
Now in my 40's I lead a very secluded solitary life. My 21 year old son still lives at home. He is very understanding even with his own issues with Aspergers. He is very smart and is a qualified machinist.
I feel so stuck in a place with no way out. I have zero motivation or will or want. Everything feels too hard and exhausting to do. Even going to the toilet or getting a drink takes hours to work up to and all of my energy. And I feel like I am failing at trying to get better. I see a Psychiatrist weekly (a new one for the last 6 months, previous one for 5 years) and my GP fortnightly. I am extremely well practised at hiding all emotion from showing on the outside and find speaking impossible often. I guess I do not have a question..... more a need to say I am stuck in a bad place and I do not know how to get out.... Sorry if this is not the place to air this.... I just need someone to 'hear' me
My brief history is... I'm the youngest of 4. Was an extremely shy child who saw everything but spoke and interacted little. I was a rule follower and peacekeeper. My Dad worked long hours and was strict. My mother was quiet and indifferent alot of yhe time. I was sexually abused by both of my brothers, a cousin and a family friend's son between the ages of 4ish to 11. It is still a secret from my Dad. My sister and Mother know, but they like to bury their heads in the sand. Me...... I still desperately need the illusion of a happy family to cope with my thoughts and feelings.
Now in my 40's I lead a very secluded solitary life. My 21 year old son still lives at home. He is very understanding even with his own issues with Aspergers. He is very smart and is a qualified machinist.
I feel so stuck in a place with no way out. I have zero motivation or will or want. Everything feels too hard and exhausting to do. Even going to the toilet or getting a drink takes hours to work up to and all of my energy. And I feel like I am failing at trying to get better. I see a Psychiatrist weekly (a new one for the last 6 months, previous one for 5 years) and my GP fortnightly. I am extremely well practised at hiding all emotion from showing on the outside and find speaking impossible often. I guess I do not have a question..... more a need to say I am stuck in a bad place and I do not know how to get out.... Sorry if this is not the place to air this.... I just need someone to 'hear' me
