Another casualty

Hi @Breakfast68

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

The team sent you a check-in email.

If you feel unsafe at any time, please reach out to:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

ADF All hours support line: 1300 628 036

If urgent: 000

Remember, you are not alone. We are here to support you.

@Breakfast68

I saw your post when you posted it a while ago but was overseas and you can’t use the forums overseas so I have been wanting to reach out and see how things are tracking. It seemed like you were in a pretty low place.

Relationship breakdowns / breakups are so hard - it really can feel like things are never going to improve. The hurt is real, and it can feel so lonely. Reach out if you like and let us know how you are going and if there’s anything we can help with.

Hey there @Magpie22

Really appreciate you still following through with the contact.
Things have been extremely tough and I was lucky to survive the night, with red flags going up and a police welfare check and ambulance attending.

In a private clinic and getting by.
Isolation is just as much a killer when loved ones have other priorities rather than visiting. But I understand their lives have to continue and move forward.
In a place where I would prefer not to be, but at least it is probably the safest

@Breakfast68

Thank you so much for letting us know you are safe. It sounds like things have been really hard, and I am glad you are somewhere safe and that you did survive the night, and the nights since.

Isolation is something I understand. There are periods in my life where I have felt so alone, even when surrounded by people. I hope in some small way this little Shoulder to Shoulder community can lessen the feeling of isolation just a little.

I am truly glad you are still with us.

Following on from an earlier post a couple of weeks ago. Nothing has changed in regards to being excluded/invisible to what my wife has a focus on.

On Saturday morning I received text message from the wife of a dear friend of over 40 years. I had been ringing him and just thought he was busy. Instead, his wife messaged to tell me that he had passed away 3 days earlier following some surgery.

I was devastated and felt numb. Being in a safe space in a clinic, I reached out to my wife and let her know. I was expecting some support and a visit for comfort and companionship. Of course this want the case and I was genuinely hurting and sad.
Instead, I was met with hostility and blamed for lying and using it as an excuse to get her to visit.
My wife had a daylong activity planned with her friends to go on a drinking picnic from 8am until whenever. I said it wasn’t the case and just wished her all the best and to have a great time with her friends. Even though I was hurting more from her dismissal of my needs to be supported.
it only got worse at night when she was very drunk and then decided it was my fault because I caused her anxiety and stress, that made her drink so much. I was damned if I told her I didn’t really want to go, but also damned anyway because I didn’t say I wanted her to visit me. Have never considered myself to be a controlling husband and telling her who she can be friends with or not etc, or when she can go out or what time to be home. I am completely the opposite and very content to remain at home with my step children.
But, I was blamed for both.
Today - I gave her the wedding ring to hopefully get it fixed after a small stone was lost quite some time ago. But that I turn became an issue. With her stating in a text message later that I had given it to her because we were done. I never ever said that. I just wanted it fixed whilst inside here getting treatment.
Being in here and now not allowed to leave the facility has definitely stopped me from revisiting a step from a few weeks ago.

How does one go from being so happy and in love, with beautiful step children whom I adore - to wanting to just end my life due to total rejection and zero support from a wife more interested in friends and drinking. Even to the point where she blamed me for making her drink with her friends so she wasn’t sad or anxious. All whilst trying to process dealing with losing a dear friend of 40years?

I am safe stay in the clinic but just devastated, lonely and hurting for my friend. Not a visit or care from someone whom I thought would drop her friends to support her hurting husband - which never happened.

This time I truly am done. Safe, but done

Oh @Breakfast68 my heart hurts for you. To reach out for comfort and to be met with further hurt, that is really hard. And to lose your friend - I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your wife is not able to hear your pain and when you express your needs to her she feels it as an attack or a demand. I wonder if your clinic or doctor can recommend some family therapy that can help improve your communication with each other so you can both express your needs and feel heard? And whether that is even something your wife would do with you?

Every time you speak of your step children I can see your love for them shine though your words. How old are they? I’d love to know more about them (within forum rules of course - no identifying information). And how are they coping with this situation?

Take care, you’re in my thoughts

@Breakfast68

I am glad that you are safe and that you are receiving help.

I am so sorry to hear about your longtime friend. That is so hard.

Your wife doesn't sound like a very compassionate person. I would characterise her actions as a little narcissistic. Of course, I don't know her so it's hard to say. I hope that you continue to focus on yourself for now and maybe get some couples or family counselling down the track.

@Magpie22 @Thank you for your caring and very thoughtful response.

My children and 3 absolutely amazing and loving individuals, each with their own personalities.
My 20 yo is a well mannered and so respectful young man. Just finished all his testing and evaluations to join VicPolice.

I say respectful, but that doesn’t cover half for him. He welcomed me into his mum’s life and we have formed a special bond together. So much so, that his Dad and I enjoy each others company also. Regularly joining us for Sunday roast. It is never about me or him, but about the 3 of us. Things like movies. dinners out and him kindly exposing me into his Greek heritage celebration, by inviting me for Easter this year with his whole family. What an experience and amazing people.
I also have a 14yo daughter who loves hanging out and accompanying me to sports events, dinners, afl games and basketball m. As well as coaching her under 16 afl team.
Lastly is our 10yo pocket rocket who loves his PS5 and playing footy. Again, to make sure both the younger ones are happy and well adjusted, their dad visits almost as much as possible and joins us for celebrations and meals. I quickly realised I had to put aside my differences and welcomed him into the home also, so the kids felt happy and content knowing their dad is welcome into the home.

@Breakfast68 Xx I'm so sorry about your friend. Losing someone you've known for 40 years—that's huge, and you deserve space to grieve that properly.

I've been in a similar place in the past, feeling invisible, dismissed, and like I was losing my mind trying to make sense of someone else's reactions. So I'm sharing this not from a textbook, but from what I've lived through and learned the hard way.....

Your body is trying to tell you something important. That devastation, the numbness, the hurt you're feeling, it's not just emotions. It's your system showing you what feels safe and what doesn't. Mine did the same thing, and I spent far too long ignoring those signals.

Here's what I had to accept - I couldn't control or change my partner's behaviour. I could only be in the driver's seat of my own. The blame-shifting, the hostility, the wall that went up, that was their choice, not mine to fix. And honestly? Those behaviours you're describing aren't considerate of your needs or your words. She's put a wall up and isn't letting you in.

The game-changer for me was ... I had to bring all my focus and attention back to myself. What did I value? What did I want and need in life? How could I honour that? The TRUTH is ... we can only fully receive love from others when we genuinely love ourselves first.

And we don't actually need others to make us happy. Yes, connection is beautiful, but true peace? That comes from within. All the answers we're desperately seeking outside ourselves are actually already inside us.

You're safe in the clinic. You're grieving a mate. And you're seeing patterns clearly now. Listen to what your body is telling you about what feels right moving forward. You've got this.

You've poured so much care, consideration, and selflessness into creating this stable, loving environment for these kids @Breakfast68 .... You've shown up consistently. You've put their needs first. You've built bridges instead of walls.

Important Question for you > Are you receiving that same care and consideration back? Is your emotional wellbeing being prioritised the way you've prioritised everyone else's?

Because from what you shared in your first post, it sounds like you're giving from an empty cup. And those kids, who clearly adore you, they need you to be okay too. They need you regulated, healthy, and whole.

You've proven you know how to create safety and connection. Now it's time to make sure you're receiving it too. Your body's been trying to tell you something, and those kids need the version of you that's genuinely cared for, not just the version giving everything away.

You're doing an incredible job as a stepdad. Now do that same job for yourself.