Just needing to talk

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure I'm in the right place and I apologise if this is not the appropriate way to do things. I just need someone right now, and it's 2 AM where I live and no one is awake.

I have been having issues with depression all my life and for about a few weeks now it's worsened. To give you some background, I'm in my 20s and live in South East Asia. I live with my parents since that's what the custom is where I'm from, but I'll tell you more on that later.

I come from a completely dysfunctional family: narcissist mother, demanding father that resulted in a couple of suicidal children. Living in Australia for about 5 years however has taught me that this is not what it's supposed to be like, and for the first time, I actually felt that I deserved to be happy and be in peace.

Growing up was filled with angry outbursts, emotional bullying and blackmail, and me being the black sheep for everything wrong. I left when I was 16 to live alone overseas, on and off. Now I've been back here for around 3 years, and every time I'm back here I'm treated like I was treated when I was 16. No matter how much I try to be mature or logical, nothing worked. I am the punching bag and no matter what I do or say, I'm only here to serve my purpose as the punching bag.

To this day the abuse I'm getting have been emotional ones. Until today when I'm physically prevented to leave my room, and was locked up in the room so that I can hear more abuses. I was literally on the floor screaming and hyperventilating, and my parents really don't give a crap. They told me to be quiet so the neighbours can't hear me and proceeded in blaming me for everything until I called my sibling in another city to tell them to leave.

I felt so sick. Physically and mentally ill and so powerless that I can't even leave the room. What parents see their children like that and not think to calm her down? Instead, they united together to physically pushed me from the door and locked the door. It's sickening to see.

Why am I still living here, you might wonder. I haven't been here all this time. I work in other cities and it's a waste to have an apartment to myself, when travel all the time. It's also a strategic area that has all the services I need for my five cats. It's not easy to find a safe place where I can take them with me and take care of them properly.

They also have been blackmailing me with my father's alleged depression. I don't know what's going on with him and if they're lying to manipulate me. I would have helped him if he asked me, no need to manipulate me. All I know is after witnessing my breakdown tonight, he asked me if I finally wanted to change, as if it was all my fault. As if having a full on breakdown at midnight is all normal for me, that I'm the one who wants to keep things that way.

I just want them to leave me alone. That's it. I just want them to stop telling me I'm the worst person on earth and that I don't deserve happiness. I just want the yelling to stop. The manipulation. The lying. The abandonment. I don't even need them to like me or support me, or care for me. Just stop using me as a doormat. And then maybe I could stop seeing myself through their eyes.

Sorry for the long post. Like I said, I have no one to talk to. There is no suicide hotline in my country and all the crisis hotlines cater for their own geographical base. I looked for an international number but I couldn't find anything. Anyone knows about a number I can call or a crisis chat service I can use?

Thanks so much for reading and I really hope your day has been better than mine 🙂