Gab93Contributor
My thoughts
Hi,
*trigger warning ⚠️
*I have followed my safety plan - i am safe at home, i have notified my safe person and have had PRN*
Im struggling today, my thoughts have been consuming me. And as always the only solution It has, is suicide. I was diagnosed with OCD - persistent suicidality at 13.. so the feeling isnt something I havent battled before. I have had a safety plan drilled into me since my first daughter.
I think its that this time I am completely alone. In my journey of trying to heal my complex trauma I made the decision to remove family and people who promoted a lifestyle that was harmful to my recovery, including drugs, alcohol, gaslighting, manipulation and just flat out control.
I have spent years talking about my trauma and disability, tried the treatments, medications and hospital stays. I feel im moving forward and learning who I can be without the trauma and cables taking front seat.
But these thoughts suck, makes me feel like im back to step 1 again.
But today, after my medications are sig. Delayed by post, no other authoritie scripts can be written for more, these appointments cost so much!
im feeling lost inside my mind, begging myself not to spill myself. Spiralling into plans and ways I could keep my children safe but still end my life. Im exhausted, I want sleep and I want company. Or non judgement. I want to feel safe without being sent 3 hrs away to a ward.. feeling heard is hard, people either dont take you seriously or take you too seriously.
Idk, this probably makes no sense at all, but im trying to empty my mind before I head to sleep. tHankyou guys for reading, stay safe. Ill check in later when I wake up
