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I dont feel like i exist right now

The-red-centaurSenior Contributor14 Sept 2025, 8:51 pm AEST

I dont feel like i exist right now

Im not sure how to put my thoughts into words but im going to try to get a few things out. I have been bottling things up the last few weeks, I feel teary yet I feel so numb and empty.

I feel a weight on me to keep pushing myself to say afloat and just keep on swimming. Like this pressure to say I'm ok and be bubbly and positive.

I have been getting so dazed and confused lately, I have been disassociating into the other a bit and forgetting simple things. I feel dark stabbing thoughts and feelings that I keep pushing down and I feel scared to let it out or express.

September brings memories of things I wish I could forget, and then the 25th is a reminder of how dark things became and how my physical disability is my fault.

The pangs of that hit me this evening as I told my coach what caused my injuries in a slip of tongue at the soccer league wind up thing.

I hide that part of me from most people who know me outside of my support workers. Like letting people see my scars is easy but them knowing why I have them still fills me with shame.

Anyways, I have been swallowed by my pain and past so many times that I am scared it will overcome me if I let out. But I also know that the more I push it aside the worse it will eat me until I regress so much it could take a while to come back.

The weirdest symptoms I feel is the detachment from my body and reality in general. My skin feels abnormal. My mind feels like its floating but my body so physically heavy. When I feel my limbs with my hands its like they dont exist. Even in clasping my hands in each other my fingers dont feel real. I look in the mirror and feel like I dont recognise the face in the mirror.

I have put my body through so many horrors and it went through a lot of other horrors too. I cant feel it anymore and it scares me. I took a while to try to heal my mind before and connect it to my body and repaired a lot of the disconnect. I feel it slipping away again. I feel life slipping away. I cant even feel the warm sun on my face or the soft rain on my hands.

I feel like I feel nothing anymore, and lots of memories have faded that I'm wondering did any of it actually happen. Maybe I just made the last 30 years up.

Idk what I'm needing or anything. I have tears welling in my eyes but I feel nothing. Im not sure if I'm sad or just tired. Or wishing for a reason to just let it all go and take myself back to those years when I had nothing but destruction.

14 replies

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In response to: I dont feel like i exist right now

-wanderour-Casual Contributor07 Oct 2025, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: I dont feel like i exist right now

hey,

its really hard, especially if someone is trying to help you, but they say there is benefit to helping someone else, could you open a door, or look for an opportunity to help someone in any small way. How do you think someone could reach you, and be impactful in a positive way..

In response to: I dont feel like i exist right now

-wanderour-Casual Contributor07 Oct 2025, 11:33 pm AEDT

Re: I dont feel like i exist right now

I think the fact you are here speaks volumes and this effort is recognised, knowing there are others who feel a similar way to someone close to me, helps, but it's also very lonely as it's hard to find anyone in the community who gets it and understands, and trying to get that support when you are so mentally exhausted to keep waking up and have lost that enthusiasm for a time. It's hard, I hope for a day when it's all better, but it's becoming an occurrence that seems to be getting deeper each time and more often. It's becoming more the norm that being okay is. I think our bodies get so used to it, we expect it like muscle memory, and some how in some way we have to introduce wins, situations that have a win outcome, like a high chance of having a positive interaction, or outcome. I can't think of anything off top of my head, but would love to hear of suggestions.

In response to: I dont feel like i exist right now

Breakfast68Senior Contributor08 Oct 2025, 12:00 am AEDT

Re: I dont feel like i exist right now

@Rhymster @The-red-centaur

Those exact feelings are with me constantly, even in my home with my wife. Being invisible and to an extent, feeling needed within the household. But, it’s my step kids who keep me going at the same time as me trying to negotiate the minefield of a wife/mother who sees being with her friends and at a local football club as more important.
I have tried speaking to her about it, but then I get blamed for trying to control her and telling her what she can and can’t do. That’s not the husband I am and don’t want to be. The kids come first for me and I am content with that role as their step dad. But at what point do I say enough is enough??? Being hurt and blamed for being content and wanting to spend time with my kids, comes back to bite me because she wants the freedom to do what she loves. At the expense of forcing me to the background and becoming irrelevant

In response to: Re: I dont feel like i exist right now

RhymsterSenior Contributor08 Oct 2025, 7:40 am AEDT

Re: I dont feel like i exist right now

@Breakfast68 I have been where you now are in the past

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