I really dont know wat to do. I love my partner more than oxygen itself.

That has been perhaps the biggest struggle for us @Beermoney .... the fact that you can't try to help them to see what is happening through their smoke cloud without risking the relationship .... and that is, in fact, one of your choices .....

Always remember that you do have the choice to leave .... I had the choice to leave, and I can still leave even now .... but that would have had consequences of its own, and that is part of my reality.

Usually choices are not about the choice itself. Every choice has consequences and it is the consequences you need to weigh up and work out what you can live with. For instance, telling the person that you love them, but you won't live with them the way things are can sometimes cause them to seek advice or support, and in doing that it begins to show up the true nature of the problem .... but they might turn around and leave you instead, or not believe that you love them and tell you to go ....

It ain't easy ....

Advice I was given by e.d. support services was to learn as much about my hubby's eating disorder as I can (without jumping at every shadow) because it helps you to see past the illness to the person trapped within it. You can begin to see the purpose or path the illness is taking, and the behaviours and reactions start to make sense within the context I the illness, instead of being just random events without rhyme or reason.

There is also a behaviour model that can be used to understand the changes that have occurred, and where they are heading ..... learning about this model really gave me some hope when I didn't know how to hold onto any ..... because I have heard of eating disorders lasting a lifetime. This Stages of Change model helped me to see that the first stage of change - marked by denial and hostility - doesn't last forever, which means that the person does eventually wake up to the fact that they have a problem. After that, they need to become active in trying to overcome it.

And that can result in a lifetime of struggle.

If you choose to stay with her ..... get educated about what you are dealing with .... go into it from here with your eyes open. This link takes you to the Eating Disorders Victoria website, so the Stages of Change model is spelled out for eating disorders, but the same stages apply to disorders in general. It sounds like your lovely lady is in the first stage of denial and hostility.

https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/stages-of-an-eating-disorder

This book also helped me, even though my hubby doesn't have BPD. I go to see a psychologist every few months for emotional support to live with our situation. He said that the general principles offered in the book, about how to deal with dysfunctional behaviours, will help me anyway, and they have.

Hope this helps. Here if you want to chat.

Hi @Beermoney,

Great advice @Faith-and-Hope. I find that stages of changes of model really helpful too as a way of comparing where I'm at in the stage of change in comparison to my loved one. Often, I find that it's the mismatch that can create conflict - I'm ready for them to make changes, but they are a few stages away. So I need to work with they're at, I can't push them any further, just like they can't pull us to where they are at. But I can support them and hopefully motivate them to move forward showing them that there are some consequences for their behaviour. I also find it important to remember that it's a linear progression, one day they can be looking for ways to change, the next day they will be back to denial. This is a normal part of change.

@Faith-and-Hope you mentioned in your post this struggle for a life time. This can seem like a daunting and tiring prospect. May I ask how you work with this (feeling like it could go on for lifetime)? For me, it's about maintaining hope. But I'm curious about what keeps you going, as it might also be helpful for others, like @Beermoney, too.

As my forum name suggests @CherryBomb .... faith and hope are my calling cards .... but it's not always easy .....

Whike it is Christianity that underpins my faith .... I believe that faith principles work wonders in and of themselves, and hope has its own very powerful dynamic.

For me it is a combination of thankfulness .... being thankful about blessings, large or small .... like having the type of skin that means you can walk in the sun without being slathered, covered and sheltered .... which happens to be my lot in life. I am a melanoma survivor ....

Thankfulness is appreciation, and that it linked to mindfulness .... appreciating the taste and texture of food you put in your mouth ... the feel of a cool shower on a hot day .... the soft cuddles of a fur-baby.

The next part of focussing on faith and hope is looking for the positives in life, even when thing seem really hard and negativity is all you can see .... sometimes I light a candle just for that thought alone .... a tiny flicker can drive back the darkness .... just the smallest of flames .....

Turning lemons into lemonade is another analogy .... looking at what positivity can be derived from something damaging or hurtful .... and that can be simply helping someone else to avoid the same pitfall .... or sharing your experiences to show them there is light at the end of the tunnel where they couldn't see any before.

The lifetime struggle I referred to is the eating disorder that has ensnared my hubby .... for some people this becomes a lifetime struggle of trying to maintain a healthy relationship with food .... or beyond the food (which is symptomatic) it's about fears and control issues. I guess like addictions it becomes a daily set of choices .... choosing the path that is self-nurturing over the one that you know leads to trouble and a sense of being stuck.

Even a small effort in the right direction can bring positive results. Seek the light, like a plant does.