The 5 Apology Languages

what a great post @ccau_82!

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@ccau_82 wrote:

What's fascinating is that we often apologise the way we would want to receive an apology, rather than speaking the language the other person actually needs to hear.

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this is really interesting hey, and i reckon that's pretty accurate for me. tagging some member below, curious to hear everyone's responses!!

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@ccau_82

@rav3n

interesting topic - I have been reflecting and tbh i’m not sure what my apology language is - I might need to think some more on this.

What I need to hear is that the other person has understood my pain and what has caused it - rather than them being sorry. I think as a kid I learned to hide my emotions to save other people’s feelings so now I find it really hard not to be seen and heard if I have put myself “out there” and showed my true feelings.

@Magpie22

You've identified something really interesting, you need to be 'seen and understood' before any apology can land. That's not just an apology language - it's a prerequisite for healing when you've spent a lifetime making yourself small to protect others' feelings.

The courage it takes to finally show your true feelings after years of hiding them? That vulnerability deserves to be fully met and acknowledged, not just glossed over with "I'm sorry."

Your insight about needing the other person to understand your pain first - that's your nervous system asking for proof of safety before it can even consider forgiveness. It's incredibly wise.

I'm curious... does this pattern show up in how you speak to yourself too? Do you find you need to truly acknowledge and understand your own pain before you can offer yourself any compassion?

Thank you for bringing this depth to the conversation. This is exactly the kind of reflection that helps us all understand ourselves better!!!! Juicy conversation that I personally love ....

@Magpie22 i really resonate with what you've shared. on top of hearing the words 'i'm sorry', i need that acknowledgement and understanding too.

i've also noticed that hearing the specific words 'i'm sorry' (or similar) really matters to me. my parents didn't use those words while i was young, my dad still has never apologised to me before. i think i picked up on their behaviours (around not apologising) and became defensive in my responses instead (i.e instead of saying sorry, i'd try explain myself every time). outside of my family, i found it easy to apologise (and sometimes i over-apologised) but at home, those words were hard to utter. once i entered adulthood, i started realising this and now unlearning a lot of poor habits - i'm getting a bit more comfortable with saying sorry to my parents now!

curious to know your apology language? @ccau_82

That's such a powerful observation about picking up defensive patterns when apology wasn't modelled at home. The way we learn (or don't learn) to repair relationships in childhood shapes so much...

My experience mirrors yours in interesting ways. I had a fawning, non-communicating mother figure who modelled over-apologising - so I learned to say "sorry" constantly, even when it wasn't mine to own.

Interesting on reflection~ I could always feel when apologies (mine or others') lacked authenticity. They felt hollow, performative, fake.

I've realised I can now feel a 'real' apology deeply when it's genuine - and that's helped me understand my apology language.

I think mine is 'Accepting Responsibility' combined with 'Expressing Regret' - but only when there's true understanding behind it.

It's not just hearing "I'm sorry" - it's sensing that the person actually gets what happened and owns their part without deflection or excuse. When someone can say "I was wrong" and mean it, without the over-apologising performance I grew up with, that lands for me. That feels like truth.

The over-apologising I learned? That was about managing other people's emotions, not actual repair. Now I'm learning the difference between authentic accountability and fawning disguised as apology.

Hope that makes sense @rav3n @Magpie22

@Magpie22

@ccau_82 what you've mentioned makes complete sense! it had me reflecting on my over-apologising behaviour too, and like what you said here:

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@ccau_82 wrote:

The over-apologising I learned? That was about managing other people's emotions, not actual repair. Now I'm learning the difference between authentic accountability and fawning disguised as apology.

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it was definitely about managing other people's emotions and keeping their peace (even if it meant losing my own sense of peace). there was also an interesting respect dynamic - my parents grew up with the mentality that elders/parents are always right, and if a child challenges something or speaks up, it's 'disrespectful'. so even in times that my parents were 'wrong', we were expected to apologise for challenging them/upsetting or angering them.

i resonate with what you said about sensing a genuine apology. i really dislike fake, performative ones too - i'd rather not receive an apology if it's not coming from a place of honesty! my parents on the other hand, they don't really care about whether its genuine or not. if they hear the words 'im sorry', they're satisfied and feel like they've 'won' and move on. my parents and i have different cultural upbringings (i was brought up in australia, my parents were brough up overseas) so i think that plays a big role in how we both perceive apologies.

also i noticed you mentioned in your first post that there's an online assessment to find your primary love language - do you have a link to it by any chance? 😊

just realised how much i typed up, apologies for the long read! but i really love this topic, thank you so much for sharing 💜

I have the book here, plus the audiobook for kids on the love language. Did apology on Audible ...

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

@rav3n @Magpie22

Oh @ccau_82 there is so much truth in your response. I don’t even know where to begin other than saying you have seen me and I appreciate you for that. Thank you.

thanks for sharing the link @ccau_82! it would make sense that our love language and apology language overlap. i'll look into audible soon too 😊