New Here - is this the avenue I should take for help

hey @Lee7710 welcome to the forums!

it's love to e-meet you. sorry to hear about your relationship, it's tough when things don't work out. it's really great to see you eager to work on your behaviour and improve yourself 😊

sane forums is a space for individuals with complex mental health, or family/friends/carers of those with mental health issues, who are looking for connection and support. we are a peer space, so we use of lived experience to help each other out.

from your post, it seems like you have some great qualities: caring, thoughtful, loyal! i'm wondering, what behavioural traits were you looking at changing/working on?

I have a fault, not just with this relationship that ended, can appear at work, family and in my past marriage (ended 1 year ago close to exact but not due to my fault, due to her having a few affairs over the 5 years before breakup).

I get anxious / emotionally not in control when too much builds, I loose perspective and start saying things that are mean and untrue or very over exaggerated - it usually a no holds barred type of thing for the subjects I would bring up - would be the littlest things included. I would definitely change my voice. But never past just talking, nothing like anything further. The final part is I dont remember almost all of the conversation afterwards.

That is how my current relationship ended, didnt get a chance to correct anything I had said, she wont see me, we did a lot of text but by that point everything I said was a problem and I couldnt take it back from her. And that is all completely my fault 100%, no matter the reason for the argument (there was a reason).

I need to change that behavior, over the years I have tried ways, with humor because I love a good much around. But more commonly with recognising the feelings, contain and then suppressing - but this over time makes it worse, next time the feeling come harder, faster. I am day to day a gentle and meek person and shy, always forgiving - but I know others cant be of this behavior. I need to get rid of this trait that wreaks everything.

I did a bit of AI and trying to plan changes with logs of occurances that unsettle me and how I responded. But AI was just a tool, it won’t fix this behaviour- it also won’t help in the way I have felt and do feel struggling.

Hi @Lee7710,

Not sure if this helps but I was in a similar sitiuation, but with a friend that was a girl, not a relationship though. But however I stopped taking medication and was unstable during this time which is why I lost her as a friend. I started taking medication again and improved my life with family, but however I lost a nice girl that was a good friend. Sometimes medication just helps? But not entirely medication because I started doing a lot of community groups with my local Library and got involved with the local community.

Conclusion is, when I stopped taking medication for mental health, I wasn't good to be around. Maybe something worth thinking about?

Thankyou, that is an option - but that would have to be a lifetime on medication. Many years ago I did go on meds but found they would change to much other things of me (didn’t go on meds for the issue I am mentioning)

it sucks to hear that your ex had a few affairs... i imagine that it would've been really hard to trust her and there might've been some resentment throughout the relationship? @Lee7710

i can relate to feeling out of control when i'm feeling overwhelmed too, i've said some things i've regretted to loved ones as a result and it's still a work in progress for me. recognising my tone and volume is one i'm working on right now, it is hard cos in the heat of the moment, i don't even realise! then my mum or sister picks up on it and i have to take a moment to breathe, and cool down. have you found strategies helpful for this? i've found that journaling's really helped me process things and understand my triggers.

being gentle, and forgiving, are such lovely traits to have. but sometimes we experience shitty situations that take advantage of our kindness... and we end up getting hurt. creating healthy boundaries can be helpful in protecting our peace and having a good balance.

I have the first part of recognising and halting when I feel it coming working fairly well and have for a long long time. But when it goes past that (particularly in face to face interactions), that’s where I fall over. I even don’t remember the conversations mostly. It falls over when I can’t get the control to do methods to stop it (like taking a break, or putting in some humour). Sometimes my mindset is completely wrong to take it up again for many days. That’s what happen this breakup. went in with a good mindset, but it was too soon.

but all this didn’t matter to her, so I have lost her. The words were said and she took them to heart that I believed every word exactly as it was said.

yeh the affairs were brutal and have not helped, it got to the stage where she choose the same guy 3 times over me (twice in one week).I’m sure that has a lasting impact but shouldn’t impact someone that doesn’t deserve it. She has been chasing me the whole time I was with the new partner, which didn’t help but definitely turned me of the Ex.

@Lee7710

sorry your going through that, just want to say im past middle age and 23 was first time i have needed meds for nental health reasons so didnt know how to discern right from wrong and kept taking wrong until psychiatrist changed them and all the changes of first ones, ie stuttering, bouncing legs and just a sense of not firing right reacting out of charachter went away

had lost some what i believed close friends along the way through changes of behaviour, i just mention it as possibly meds werent right matchfor you and could t be newer options now.

answer to your question id say is yeah your in the right place but again thats been my experiance i hope you its beneficial for you also

Hi @Lee7710 ,

Medication is only a suggestion. Not everyone needs medication, some people are better off without it. I take medication, but, however I hear voices.