I can see how this would be difficult and triggering.
Something that has helped me has been practicing communicating assertively.
There are some good resources online from This Way Up (part of their stress management program) which help you practice this skill.
It can certainly be uncomfortable to start communicating assertively at first but it has definitely helped me - at work, in social situations, with social anxiety in general, and with dealing with issues between myself and others.
It breaks down different communication styles and offers clear guidance on how to communicate more effectively.
Communication Styles
First, you need to figure out how you generally communicate. There are four typical communication styles:
Aggressive
People who communicate aggressively express their opinions forcefully and rudely, and dismiss others’ feelings and wishes, or regard them as not important. They often get their own way, but hurt and alienate others.
Passive
People who communicate passively do not generally express their opinions, wants or needs, defer to others, and often apologise unnecessarily. They can feel hurt, unimportant, and resentful, don’t have their needs met, and may have low self-esteem.
Passive-aggressive
This style involves being indirectly aggressive, for example, agreeing to something you don’t want to do in an annoyed tone of voice or using sarcasm ineffectively. People who use this communication style might get their needs met, but will often irritate others or be seen as manipulative.
Assertive
People who communicate assertively express their opinions and feelings respectfully, make their own choices, and allow others to make their own choices. They usually have their needs met, get along well with others, and have healthy self-esteem.
Assertiveness Is Effective
Assertiveness is generally the most effective communication style, but that doesn’t mean you need to be assertive in everysituation. Sometimes being passive (e.g. agreeing with your boss) or being aggressive (e.g. fight back when you’re in danger) is appropriate.
How Do You Communicate?
Ask yourself the following questions:
What style of communication do I usually use (passive, aggressive or assertive)?
How does that tend to make me feel?
Do I want to communicate in another way?
We all communicate using these different styles at times, and we’ll often act differently depending on who we’re talking to. But, if you use the passive and/or aggressive styles of communication more often, you might find it harder to get on with other people.
Accepting Being Assertive
Some people hold unrealistic beliefs about assertiveness, without even realising it. It’s important to remember that:
You don’t have to always agree with your friends to be a good friend (in fact, often people prefer honesty!)
You don’t have an obligation to agree with or say “Yes” to people
You don’t have to offer reasons or ‘excuses’ for saying “No”
Your needs are as important as other people’s needs
Saying “No” to something means saying “Yes” to something else (like self-care)
You are allowed to say, “I don’t care”, “I don’t want to”, and “I don’t know”
People can’t read minds so they won’t know what you are thinking unless you tell them
Being passive is not the same as being humble
Being aggressive is not the same as being confident
Everyone has the right to say “No”
Saying “No” does not mean you are being hurtful or selfish
Tips for Communicating Effectively
You can use the following guide to speak assertively:
Say what the problem is and how you felt about it (use ‘I’ statements)
Say what you would like them to do about it
Say what the consequences will be
Some Key Things to Remember
Be specific. What exactly is the problem?
Talk about or propose a solution. What exactly do you want done about it?
Be objective. Tell the person how you feel and why, remembering that you have the right to express your feelings.
Remember that they don’t have to do what you want, but it’s important that you know that you have the right to an opinion as well.
Example 1
If your co-worker often makes decisions about important projects that you’re both involved in, you could say the following:
I feel confused and disrespected when you don’t consult with me on projects.
In future, I’d like you to talk through the projects with me.
That way, we’ll be on the same page in future, which will lead to better quality work.
Example 2
If someone says something rude to you, like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” you could say the following:
I felt dismissed when you said that I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I don’t want to be treated like that in the future.
If you can respect my opinion, even if you don’t agree with it, we will get on better.
A Note on ‘I’ Statements
Using statements that begin with ‘I’ (e.g. “I don’t want to go out tonight”) tend to be better received than statements that begin with ‘you’ (e.g. “You know I’m tired and want to stay home tonight”).
‘You’ statements often make other people defensive, meaning that they will be less likely to listen to you, or change their behaviour.
Practice Example
Think of an example where you’d like to communicate effectively with someone. What could you say to them?
Problem: _____________________________________________
I feel (describe how you feel): _____________________________________________
When you (describe the other person’s behaviour): _____________________________________________
I would like (describe what you would like the other person to do or say): _____________________________________________
Source: thiswayup.org
Let me know what you think
