TW: Not Sure Which Way To Turn?

Hey @JPEG1998, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment and perhaps for some time. It's really brave of you to be vulnerable with the community and to reach out to your peers.

I just wanted to check in with you if you have regular supports or maybe sometimes reach out to crisis support services? It can be really beneficial to talk with someone when feel like we are not able to do this anymore. I will pop a few support services here in case you don't have them handy:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Lifeline Chat

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 or Beyond Blue Webchat

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732, www.1800respect.org.au

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or Online Counselling

Samaritans: 135 247 (24/7)

If in immediate danger: 000 www.triplezero.gov.au/triple-zero/How-to-Call-000

Do you know about the Hering voices and psychosis thread: https://saneforums.org/t5/Useful-resources/Hearing-voices-and-psychosis-%EF%B8%8F/td-p/1682014? It would be great to hear from you in there too if you would like to connect with your peers who have a similar experience.

Take care

RiverSeal

Hi JPEG,

Familial relationships are some of the toughest relationships on earth. It is well established in empirical psychological studies that families can be aggitators/risk factors instead of protective factors in our lives.

I am sorry to hear that the relationship your parents have has such a negative impact on you. They should have done better to shield you from their problems. You didn't and don't deserve to be dragged into their mess. You needed safety, security, and support and it is terribly sad that you did not get those things from them.

But I am here to give you hope. I am neurotypical, and I talk to myself all the time. I think it is healthy and normal to have a discussion with yourself. It's one of those things to me that if you don't want to talk to yourself, why would anyone else? Talking out loud is a very productive strategy to hear your own words, to better evaluate what you are thinking, and to work things out.

Now, you did mention Schizophrenia - are you talking out loud to any of the voices you hear? That, in and of itself, is not problematic either. So long as you are not indulging in the negative conversations. I have often been told there is a lot of negative chatter, and I would like you to remember that the negative chatter is moulded by society's negativity and persecutory way and not a true reflection of you. Have you ever looked into the cutural study of Schizophrenia? It is one of the diagnoses in mental health that researchers study experiences to tease apart how much of the experience is biological and how much is culturally influenced. To date, the subvocal tract is the only biological universal amongst experiences world wide - the tone and how one feels about their experience is fully tied to the culture one lives in. Industrial countries tend to influence Schizophrenic presentations to feel paranoid and insecure because our culture does not provide the space or safety you need. But, those in, say, Tanzania, are wholly supported in their Schizophrenia - it is framed as a gift from their Creator, and their experiences and subvocal tracts are far more positive. I highly suggest reading up about Schizophrenia and culture. You don't need to change, darling, our culture does. And there are small things you can do to change the culture around you. I have met many folks with Schizophrenia living happy, productive, fulfilled lives with the right medications and a direction/purpose in their lives.

POTS is a really serious health condition that effects a lot of people and is receiving far too little attention. My friend also has it and she really struggles to manage it. With the growing interest in POTS, I am hoping more help will become available to you in time and I am noting more and more resources and conversations about it online recently.

You may have given up on a lot of things to survive up until this point, but you are still capable of going on to do great things. To share a personal experience, I quit highschool in grade 9 because of my homelife, I moved out at 15. I took the loooong way around, but then I challenged the university at 27 and am now 38 with a Master's Degree. It is never too late to pick up what you put down. Sometimes some things are better left behind, other things will need adjustments or replacing, and some things you can pick right back up. You have more power than you think.

As for romantic relationships, the dating world is incredibly complicated filled with people who harm others. Guard your heart accordingly, but don't completely close it. Protect your interests by writing a list with three columns: (a) what I don't want - put in here all the things you do not want in your partner, your home, and your life. For example, I do not want a partner who is capable of leading me into legal troubles, (b) what I do want - put all of the things you cannot live without in this list. (c) what I can negotiate - put in here things you like and want, but could negotiate on. Once you have this list drawn up, embrace it and live it. Say no to anything that doesn't match your vision of your dream partnership, dream home, and dream lifestyle. You are not here to collect people like pokemon, it is absolutely healthy to steer clear of anyone who stands in the way between you and your vision. It is easy to brush off people's bad behaviours with reasons why they might be like that - trauma, for example. But that is not for you to fix. They need to fix it. Find yourself someone whose done that work for themselves and arrives at your doorstep ready to be a strong and loving partner. I, too, let myself be hurt by men until I realized I played a role because I let them sit at my table too long instead of asking them to leave when it was revealed they did not fit my vision. With the above list, I got better at saying no to what isn't mine and I didn't meet my husband until I was 36 and he was well worth the wait.

Hello I relate to "living with the demons of the past"....it feels like I have a hateful parent (mother) stuck inside my head like a demon, watching and judging every move I make - just like she did when I was a child, never there to show me how to exist but ALWAYS watching, judging, criticising.

There was a point in my recovery I broke down a lot of her judgments and criticisms by doing self growth. A lot of the things she told me that I couldn't or shouldn't do, I kept resisting the voice of criticism in her head.

I struggle a lot of EMPTINESS in my own head, I think that my mother screamed at me so loudly I didn't get a chance to have many ideas about my own life. I tend to drift along with no motivation, existing and responding to reality but with no motivation of my own. I see if that she robbed my inspiration and motivation, but after undoing her abuse I like myself and feel "blank" whereas before I hated myself and felt self loathing and criticism.

Hard to explain but old internal narrative: "Mothers voice: you are a worthless piece of shit 24/7"

(Did internal work to expand my capabilities)

New internal narrative: "No voice, no motivation, no criticism"

I am doing NEUROLINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING work at present. It has been reported as a pseudoscience but I think NLP has been very effective in prompting my brain to think and talk.

You sound like you are doing some really good, purposeful work within yourself. That takes motivation and a sense of purpose to do. You're prioritizing this work over other things at the moment because of the incredible amount of energy this takes, so please don't be too hard on yourself that you feel no motivation or purpose for much else. In time, my dear. And it sounds like you have the patience for it.

Once the critical mother voice was removed, maybe you revealed yourself tto be part of the group of people who have emptiness in the minds. It wasn't well know before and it was assumed everyone has an inner narrative but a large number of people don't. Those with an overactive narrative would see this as a blessing, but I can also recognize how it could leave a person wanting a little more.

Oh! Language matters for sure. Neurolingustics is a very important realm of knowledge and don't let labels on reprogramming therapies by those who profit from mental health issues deter you from the great work you are doing.

You present yourself as a very aware and intuitive individual. Strong traits to help you through your experiences.

Hi @RiverSeal ,

Last night, I used the webchat service from Beyond Blue. It was nice to speak to someone who took the time of our their day to listen to me. Although, I prefer face-to-face counselling because it feels more personal. I have been linked to a mental health worker, and we have gelled. However, I only have them until the end of the year. I am also part of my local community mental health centre, and my care coordinator has been fantastic for me. Also, my current psychiatrist has been beneficial for my mental health, but they too will be leaving at the end of the year. I hate having to part ways with people who demonstrate genuine care for me.

Hi JPG I relate to your story on several levels.

1. the parents constant screaming and fighting/money fighting: TRUE.

I see them as awful primates who did a primal deed then NEVER grew into fully formed people. Each parent was a liar to their own parents, they were each manipulators in their jobs, they were each lazy and abusive parents who battled each other constantly over 'whos responsible for those damn kids' instead of just taking care of the damn kids. They hid their drug abuse, self abuse, relationship abuse from the community.

2. An element of Factitious Disorder: In my constant readings of scientific literature, there is an irrefutable link between abusive/disruptive childhood and mental health/developmental delay/failure to thrive issues. The way I see it NOW: is that nearly every person who fails to thrive has got poor quality parents in their life. To raise good quality children is an artform that requires constant attention.

3. (My assumption not your words but I feel this is a situation in your life, one that I feel very deeply)

TO BE WHOLLY ABANDONED AND LEFT PICKING UP THE PIECES OF YOUR LIFE....

BECAUSE in school you watched all the other kids grow up and become normal.

And you had to go home every day to the wasteland of loser parents. And you didn't get to grow up with all those other kids, your body was there but your heart was broken at home with the arguing parents who wouldnt give money or attention or resources to you but they could definitely afford smokes and junkfood and all types of crap that is not related to contentment.

4. MENTAL HEALTH AND RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

This one here is a doozy and it makes me cry a lot of recent times. Because, the healthier and stronger I get, the more I am distanced from people around me and in my income bracket. So I am tortured, the people I like are fairly wealthy, and also healthy, and the people available to me are few and far between. I crave to be doing things with the wealthy peoplle but I am really poor and really hurt so i dont like being a bitch to others, I just do hobbies by myself and makeup fantasy friends and do whats available with my real friends.

RELATIONSHIP I have given up putting myself out there because I feel too depressed and unstable to ever get dumped. If someone/a man LIKES me I just say now, my upbringing was to tortured and I am unable to have close personal relationships so thanks for being interested but we can't go there.

CONSTANT ANGER being reminded about how much I have had robbed from me when other people grow up and I am stuck on a low income with nowhere to go, noone calling me away from my normal life.

HATRED OF OTHER FAMILY..I am so disappointed in my 'other' family and I see them as relics of domestic abuse. Wealthy, cold and performative people who ring me up to brag about their newest venture. I no longer speak to extended family, they bring up a large dose of self loathing that I could be the same disgusting values as those people and that they abused and neglected my mum and her kids.

HURT BY SOCIETY when every second headline is of family abuse or some type of societal abuse. I feel like society is a horrible place run by paedophiles and abusers, that there is nowhere to run or hide.

FRUSTRATED BY LACK OF PROGRESS IN LIFE....other people get things very easily, their parents buy them a car, a holiday, their friends give them a job, their uncle rents them a house. My life, I am 5th generation Australian and I live like a refugee except I have NO ONE who is helping me.

ANGRY AT COUNSELLORS AND THERAPISTS I dont think I will ever pay another therapist again as they seem to enjoy talking to me but I never get emotionally healed. I feel that my trauma is like a volcano inside that if I had all my money back from therapists, I would be less angry. I can't tolerate paying a person who listens to me complain, makes me angry, and I pay them to repeat the process.

HATRED OF MOTHER...I just hate my mother, I want nothing good for her. I cannot believe that she used me as a disposable football all my life, ruined my life, and all she wanted was for me to go away. She did not adopt me, she did not murder me, she used me then threw me away when she had what she wanted: she faked in society to be perceived as a loving mother: her vile abuses are nothing but loving. She has created a myth of being a loving mother, she gets stupid men into her house with a hot meal then she asks them to do chores and tasks while she sits down and smokes dope. When they see her ways, she gets a new one. She is a 60 year old predator who offers meals to young men, my brothers friends so she can later ask them for favours because she is a poor old woman; she has been playing that trick since she was a poor young mother who is burdened by a horrible baby and just needs someone to mind the baby for 5 minutes so she can have a cigarette. 40+ years of manipulation.

SUMMARY: I TRY SO HARD TO FILL UP MY LIFE WITH GOOD THINGS AND IT IMPROVES EVERY YEAR. I ALSO GET BETTER AT TELLING MY STORY TO REAL LIFE ASSOCIATES. THEY NOW READ BETWEEN THE LINES AND UNDERSTAND I AM WIERD BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKED YOUNG LIFE AND THEY SEE THAT I TRY VERY HARD TO BE A GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON.

I ALSO KNOW THAT INSIDE MY HEAD ARE A LOT OF DEMONS WHO AFFECT MY REALITY. FOR EXAMPLE, I AM SO LONELY THAT I AM DESPERATE. SO I DONT ACT DESPERATE.

I ATTACK PEOPLE IF THEY TELL LIES, NOW I LET PEOPLE TELL A FEW LIES AND I DONT ATTACK THEM BUT, I WONT BE FRIENDS EITHER.

I LOVE DRINKING BUT, DRINKING FRIENDS ARENT TRUE FRIENDS SO I DONT DRINK ANYMORE.

MEN WILL WASTE MY TIME PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND WHEN THEY JUST WANT TO SHOW OFF TO ME. HELL NO I DUMP THESE CREEPS REAL FAST.

I like to see THE DEMONS as my greatest problems and LIVING IN REALITY as my greatest goal. I like to see myself as half dead, nearly murdered, tired and sad but still alive. I remain intolerant of child abuse, and child abusers. If people tell me the headlines, I say "thats a disgusting waste of human life and you should not think about that for your own entertainment" as I find a lot of people sensationalise crimes and abuse.

SO I RECKON THE KEY TO LIFE IS TO JUST KEEP GOING AND TRY TO GET WHAT YOU NEED.

AND PART OF GETTING WHAT YOU NEED IS LEARNING YOUR OWN LIMITS AS IN YOU DONT WANT TO GO TO THE PSYCH WARD AGAIN ETC

Then you create a comfort zone and, thats what all the kids at school had - they had a comfort zone and you and I were iceskating on eggshells just to survive.