AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
How people show care - how to know they care
Hey all,
This is something thats been playing on my mind for awhile. Not entirely sure which "space"/hub it fits best in, so I dont mind in an admin wants to move it to where they feel is best - permission granted in advance.
I know people show care in many different ways; e.g. the concepts of the 5 love languages (service, gifts, time, words, touch). And sometimes it can be hard to recognise actions that show care, or sometimes being the recipient its can be hard to know how genuine it is.
I am naturally a very empathetic person and make an effort to be considerate of others and show I care through a number of ways. I also know that I am up the extreme end of caring for others, and I had to learn as a youth not to expect this level of care from others generally. This can still be hard for me emotionally with some friends even if I know it logically and remind myself of this (my emotions dont follow my thoughts on this).
I think it comes from a place of wishing/wanting more social and practical support in face-to-face life; especially from people who aren't "paid to care". I've struggled since before teen years to be motivated or interested in "normal activities" for my age (school, work, housework, hobbies), and I often find surface-level chitchat (how's the weather? What's for dinner? Celebrity discussions) banal and feel socially "different" and disconnected. I find it rare to find people who I really enjoy social time with (admittedly there are more here than in F2F life - and I think its because of the nature of lived experience wisdom and talking about how life *really* is for people), and those I do tend to be too busy to connect unless there is a crisis.
That's the wider context of why I often *feel* alone, even though I am not isolated.
I have a husband who i do believe cares, but I very rarely feel it. He is not a conversationalist, he doesnt share how he feels (he bottles up, even though I try to encourage him to talk to someone even if its not me) - to be fair a lot of the time he doesnt even know/recognise how he feels, he buys me gifts that are more his interests than mine (which makes me feel like he doesnt even fully know me. He does get things that are my preference within his interest area though - e.g. if its pokemon, it will probably be a gengar), he barely does his house chores (which stresses me because I physically cant do extra, and I pay a cleaner out of my own money to ensure I am pulling my own weight of chores), and spends most of his non-work time playing video games or watching shows (which I have no interest in). I deliberately watch some shows with him and ask him about his games to try to "connect". But if ai ask him to participate in an activity I enjoy he won't because he doesnt enjoy it (and yes I have expressed to him that sometimes I do things i dont enjoy with him just to connect and spend time together). He has learned to ask "how was your day?" most days when getting home at least. Even that was not natural for him. I often can't safely tell him how I am feeling about all this because he will internal it, blame himself, feel helpless and worthless, and get depressed and withdraw. I'm encouraging him to talk to free support through EAP - and even though he says the first one was helpful he didnt rebook. He has finally rebooked after I have suggested it few times over the in-between 3 months of him not seeming to be coping with work-life balance. But I dont want to be pushing him to seek his own help. And I dont feel I can ask him to go to joint counselling for these issues if he isnt prepared to do it by himself where he can more freely talk about stresses of living with me.
We moved back into my mother's home earlier this year because I needed more social and practical support. She helps with cooking two meals a week. And often in the evenings I can go sit with her and chat or watch tv (we have more similar tv interests). But she works as a counsellor, and listens to people's problems all day, so whilst I can talk about life stress safely with her, I dont want to often because I know she is mentally tired and her work can be emotionally tiring already. As she is getting older she is also having less energy to do things, so she doesnt usually want to go out anywhere. I know she cares, but she is also caring practically for her mother which is a lot of work and tiring. I dont feel I can ask her for more help or support.
And the friends I do have, I often feel they dont care too much because I am not a priority for them to: a) reach out to initial contact with me, or b) ask how I am, or c) schedule time to spend with me.
And i know there are many reasons it is not a priority for people and that is OK. But to me that also means there are things more important to them when this happens longterm. And that is ok, but it does mean to me that they do not care deeply as much as they may verbally say.
If a friend does make time despite being busy, even if its not frequent, I recognise this and value that. Once per month would be a nice way to show they care without being too much of a burdon I would hope.
I dont feel my extended family really care, other than my grandma. They take no interest in knowing what my interests are (i still recieve candles and scents as gifts.. ) or in asking to meet up outside of large family events. I have learned to accept this an be ok with that. But they are not a source of social support for me or friendship.
What am I missing? Is there ways that these people are trying to show they care that I am missing?
I know this is a long post and abit complex, and may take awhile for people to read, reflect and respond. That is ok. 😊
