A little of my life

TW: discusses abuse, neglect, childhood trauma & abuse, etc

Well here I go

I need to tell you about my life so we can get to the punch line……

I grew up in a family with 2 elder brothers. I’m sure I was never wanted. My father said to my mother do not show them any emotion. I want them to grow up tough. Never a cuddle, nothing, I had no idea what they were back then.

For sure I didn’t even think my parents were my parents. Surely all families don’t live like this. But I figured they did. Never knew for sure as I was never allowed to go anywhere.

My father said to me once. In this house the word NO will not come out of your mouth. You will do as your told and when your told. If I was told to do something, might add I was never shown how, but if it wasn’t done right or to their liking, I was physically hurt by my father [edited by moderator]. I eventually learnt how to do it properly after each time being hurt. But I had no one on my side in that house. My father was an alcoholic & a Punter. We did not have any running hot water. We did not have carpet, no fridge. I just remember Lino in my bedroom and that old carpet with stripes as a mat in the lounge. I never remember getting any new clothes. I think they must have all come from 2nd hand shop somewhere.

My father would go for months without talking to my mother. He would ask me to ask her if I could do this or that. But if she gave the wrong answer, he would stop talking to her for months longer. It was a very quiet house. I know that I wasn’t allowed to open my mouth unless I was spoken to.

If anyone came to the door to see my father. Always, get in your room. I was not allowed friends, I was not allowed to talk, I had to eat my tea in silence.

I remember once that he cooked tea & he put Pineapple in with the meat. I just don’t like them together. I said I can’t eat it. So I was made stand out the back of the shed with my face against the shed, in the long grass & beer bottles, until midnight. Then I was told to get inside n get to bed. Nothing to eat. Because I was the girl I was always punished. Boys never ever got into trouble.

i was mentally abused, sexually abused emotionally abused, you name it I got it, by any male relative that I came into contact with. I’m not allowed to say NO, do as I’m told. I had no one to turn to.

If anything went wrong in that house, my mother said who done it. The eldest brother always said that I had done it.

He and my mother would hurt me [edited by moderator]. I would never know what I had done. It was him that always done it all.

I use to say I didn’t do this or that but I was never believed. All my life he made me out to be a liar. Never did I lie. No one to turn to to help me. If I would try to laugh I would be punished [edited by moderator].

I can not ever remember a happy time

Everyone takes for granted growing up being told things about life. Being shown things, being talked to. Well I grew up knowing nothing. I had no friends no one to talk to or tell me anything about anything. This is why to this day I am a recluse. I do not know much about anything out in the world. I feel so foreign & different to people so I keep to myself as I can not have conversations as I really don’t understand what to talk about, I know nothing. I have social fobia, anxiety, depression. I have never been able to fix anything. When I was around 34 I was taken to counselling. How could I understand I had no idea what they were saying to me, I didn’t know any of those words.I had never been taught anything so I really didn’t know why I was there. I didn’t know what happened to me were rapes and abuse. No one to teach me these things.
‘My father done something to me once, how could I speak up, who to, I would have been told I was lying & get another punishment [edited by moderator].
‘I never had any interest in doing anything out in the world, I didn’t know what there was to do. I have no friends. I was never taken anywhere or allowed to go anywhere, who would I go with?

I have cptsd from all the trauma I was faced with being in that family

My father told me I was a piece of shit & I would never amount to anything

I always had problems in my working life. There were always certain things I could not do. I wondered what was wrong with me. I lacked confidence I was very withdrawn but years later I figured out why I couldn’t do things. Because he was always in my head saying that I would never amount to anything. So I didn’t

I get married I didn’t know that you talk to your other half, I had never seen that before.
‘I asked this woman why was she playing game with her son? Answer was he likes me playing with him. I said I have never seen anything like that before.

Are you getting the idea yet how many problems I got out of that house. How much physiological damage they done to me?

Well I was married then along the line I was pregnant. What’s pregnant? No one to tell me anything even about marriage.
So this is why I’m writing this I have a 48 year old daughter

I told her my story last year. She is not interested in understanding why I am the way I am. She can not accept me. I am tainted, not what she wanted for a mother

The way she treats me is disgusting. Her teenage children follow by example. All they say is hello Nan, sometimes. I have tried & tried to connect with them but because I have no communication skills or no idea how to relate to them I really have no connection to them. It makes me very sad.

I have no one. My daughter just brings up so much of my childhood the way that she treats me. I have high blood pressure whenever I am near her. She will not take her guard down. I could not show her any affection when she was growing up. I did not know what it was. I wasn’t talked to so how do I know that you talk to your kids

We are not talking again as she abused me on the phone so I hung up on her. This is the second time she has abused me now. How dare she disrespect me. I have never done that to her. I did not bring her into this world to treat me like she does. She shows her family heaps of love. Been married for 18 years. Gets everything she wants but I’m damaged goods. She has no place in her life for me. When were we’re together at times she is so distant. We are like strangers. She shows me nothing. I have tried to show her heaps now I know how but she is closed off to me. I am too much drama in her perfect life

The big question

What do I do? Do I just leave her alone? I have tried many times over the years to get through to her but she just keeps closing me out.

i left 1 state to come live near her as I said to her I will only come if we have a relationship. She said she would try. But that has never happened

what I want to know is what do I do?

Just leave her alone with her happy family or what?

I have had so many discussions over the years asking her to drop the walls & let me in

But I always hit a brick wall. She says she will try. But I feel she has no interest. Do I leave her alone.

It’s my birthday soon. I don’t know if she will come here or send me flowers delivered so she doesn’t have to be near me.

Any help about what to do about my daughter would be greatly appreciated

Think I have got enough off my chest for 1 night.

Thank you for reading

Night ❤️