Feeling gutted, overwhelmed and defeated

I can feel the pain in your words, and I want to gently offer a different perspective on what's happening here. You mentioned this relationship is coming up to a year, but you've been in relationship with yourself for 15+ years of struggling. That relationship with yourself - the one that's been carrying you through all of this - deserves your attention and compassion first.

When Self-Attack Becomes the Norm - What I notice in your post is how quickly you turned all that hurt and frustration inward. Every sentence beginning with "I hate myself for..." is your nervous system doing what it's learned to do - attack yourself before anyone else can. This isn't your fault; it's a survival pattern that developed to try to keep you safe from rejection.

But here's what your nervous system doesn't realise: you cannot hate yourself into being lovable.

You mentioned trying so hard to be a better partner, to shield him from your struggles, to manage only saying yes 50% of the time but feeling like it's not enough. But here's what I'm not hearing - any mention of you being kind to yourself, accepting where you are, or recognising your incredible strength.

You've been surviving and fighting for your well being for 15+ years. That's not failure - that's heroic persistence.

One Year vs. A Lifetime - Your partner has known you for less than a year. You've been in relationship with yourself through 15+ years of struggle, growth, setbacks, and small victories. Which relationship deserves more of your energy and attention right now?

When someone dismisses your mental health care as "medical crap," they're dismissing your commitment to healing. They're dismissing 15 years of you refusing to give up on yourself.

The Truth About Deep Connection - You can't give someone access to a heart that you're constantly attacking. You can't create genuine intimacy when you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand or respect your healing process.

Real intimacy requires you to be in loving relationship with yourself first. It requires a partner who sees your mental health care as an investment in your shared future, not a waste of money.

Your Nervous System Right Now - What you're experiencing - the shame spiral, the self-attack, the fear of abandonment - this is your nervous system in full protection mode. It's trying to figure out how to be "acceptable" enough to avoid rejection. But this isn't love; it's survival.

What if, instead of asking "How can I be better for him?" you asked "How can I be kinder to myself today?"

What if your 15+ years of fighting for your mental health isn't something to be ashamed of, but something to honour?

What if the right person for you would see your commitment to healing and think "This person values themselves enough to do the hard work - that's exactly who I want to build a life with"?

You're not high maintenance for needing mental health support. You're not broken for struggling with intimacy after trauma. You're not a failure for having limits around activities.

You're a human being doing the courageous work of healing, and that deserves respect - especially from yourself.

The relationship that needs your attention most right now is the one with yourself. When you can hold yourself with compassion, you'll naturally attract people who can do the same.

You've been fighting for yourself for 15 years. Please don't stop now...... @StillTrying